I was searching for something IF related on google, and stumbled across this thread.
Some people are born without vas deferens. Other people are born without hearts.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
One year
It was one year ago today that my world was turned upside down.
I remember that it was already a bad day to begin with. A parent came in that morning angry about something and I had to deal with it. Then during my planning period, a teacher aide decided to leave a [very dependent] student (not mine) in my classroom unsupervised. So I had to deal with that. And then deal with the aide getting mad at me for telling him we can't leave students unattended. And with a million other things going wrong at school, I kept telling myself "I can't wait for some good news to put an end to this bad day." I was carrying my cell phone with me all day, anxious for the doctor to call me. After all, SA's can't take that long, and they'd had the whole weekend to review it, so how hard could it be to call me? Oh if I only knew.
I didn't get the call until after the students were gone, thank goodness. I was in another teacher's classroom when the phone rang, and then got all excited getting out a sticky note and pen, thinking I would want to write down some numbers and percentages....
Until he asked, "Would you rather hear an unusual finding over the phone or in person?" Well how are you supposed to wait for that?
"I just wanna know," I said, bracing myself.
"Well...we did the semen anaysis....and there were no sperm found." *shit!* I thought. It hurts. While my tears are welling up the doctor keeps going on with "This is....this is NOT something caused by *being stressed out* or *having a bad day*" Thanks doc, as if I didn't know.
After I got off the phone, I just started bawling uncontrollably. And my colleague (thankfully the ONLY person in the room at the time) tried her best to comfort me. I know she meant well, it just didn't help telling me "Well when [daughter's husband] did it he had nothing...and I mean nothing! But it's because he was taking diabetes medication." She did however convince me to ask my principal for a day off, as I'm usually really hesitant to take a day off unless I'm EXTREMELY sick. But I knew I couldn't handle work the next day, so I did go down to the office, barely able to get the words "I don't think I can come in tomorrow" out of my mouth.
Then getting ready to go home I texted DH, I knew he was waiting to find out. I think I wrote something like "It's pretty bad, but there may be hope." He was in class at the time but stepped out to call me back immediately.
"There's nothing," I said, sobbing.
".........Nothing?" That was so hard to hear the shock in his voice.
When he got home we just cried and cried and cried and cried. That was one of the hardest nights for me. Asleep, I could forget about everything. Dream nice dreams again. But I woke up several times throughout the night. Each time I woke up, reality would instantly hit me again, and I would cry myself back to sleep. I thought how will we ever go on with out lives?
Fast forward one year and what a difference a year has made. We've made such a peace with IF, in a strange way I'm almost thankful for how it has opened our eyes, and brought us closer together. I thought when this "dreaded anniversary" rolled around I would probably have a bad emotional day all over again. But it didn't even phase me. In fact I didn't even realize that today marked 1 year of living with IF (or, knowledge therof) until a few hours ago.
One thing that worries me, though, is if the only reason I feel "ok" with IF is because I'm still clinging to this hope of my dream being fulfilled. The dream of getting to experience pregnancy and giving birth to DH's child. This may sound weird, but sometimes I almost feel like we've "betrayed" our azoo brothers and sisters. Because we got the "good" diagnosis. The obstructive azoo. The supposedly easy fix. There is supposedly still hope for having our own biological child.
I'm getting the fear that this hope I'm clinging to may not be a good thing. I'm afraid I may not be as strong as I think I am. That one day all these hopes may be dashed away, and then I may not be able to swallow my own words of comfort. Looking forward to planning IVF is bringing both excitement and fear in me.
Something good that has changed in one year, is how open DH is willing to be about his diagnosis. Maybe he just thinks it's a cool conversation topic to tell a friend "I'm a mutant" and see how they react. Anyway I think this is great that he has this much peace with it and can make a step closer to advocating for IF awareness, without feeling any shame. Although I don't think it's wise to completely "out" ourselves (i.e. at work, or especially on FB).
I wonder where another year will lead us.
I remember that it was already a bad day to begin with. A parent came in that morning angry about something and I had to deal with it. Then during my planning period, a teacher aide decided to leave a [very dependent] student (not mine) in my classroom unsupervised. So I had to deal with that. And then deal with the aide getting mad at me for telling him we can't leave students unattended. And with a million other things going wrong at school, I kept telling myself "I can't wait for some good news to put an end to this bad day." I was carrying my cell phone with me all day, anxious for the doctor to call me. After all, SA's can't take that long, and they'd had the whole weekend to review it, so how hard could it be to call me? Oh if I only knew.
I didn't get the call until after the students were gone, thank goodness. I was in another teacher's classroom when the phone rang, and then got all excited getting out a sticky note and pen, thinking I would want to write down some numbers and percentages....
Until he asked, "Would you rather hear an unusual finding over the phone or in person?" Well how are you supposed to wait for that?
"I just wanna know," I said, bracing myself.
"Well...we did the semen anaysis....and there were no sperm found." *shit!* I thought. It hurts. While my tears are welling up the doctor keeps going on with "This is....this is NOT something caused by *being stressed out* or *having a bad day*" Thanks doc, as if I didn't know.
After I got off the phone, I just started bawling uncontrollably. And my colleague (thankfully the ONLY person in the room at the time) tried her best to comfort me. I know she meant well, it just didn't help telling me "Well when [daughter's husband] did it he had nothing...and I mean nothing! But it's because he was taking diabetes medication." She did however convince me to ask my principal for a day off, as I'm usually really hesitant to take a day off unless I'm EXTREMELY sick. But I knew I couldn't handle work the next day, so I did go down to the office, barely able to get the words "I don't think I can come in tomorrow" out of my mouth.
Then getting ready to go home I texted DH, I knew he was waiting to find out. I think I wrote something like "It's pretty bad, but there may be hope." He was in class at the time but stepped out to call me back immediately.
"There's nothing," I said, sobbing.
".........Nothing?" That was so hard to hear the shock in his voice.
When he got home we just cried and cried and cried and cried. That was one of the hardest nights for me. Asleep, I could forget about everything. Dream nice dreams again. But I woke up several times throughout the night. Each time I woke up, reality would instantly hit me again, and I would cry myself back to sleep. I thought how will we ever go on with out lives?
Fast forward one year and what a difference a year has made. We've made such a peace with IF, in a strange way I'm almost thankful for how it has opened our eyes, and brought us closer together. I thought when this "dreaded anniversary" rolled around I would probably have a bad emotional day all over again. But it didn't even phase me. In fact I didn't even realize that today marked 1 year of living with IF (or, knowledge therof) until a few hours ago.
One thing that worries me, though, is if the only reason I feel "ok" with IF is because I'm still clinging to this hope of my dream being fulfilled. The dream of getting to experience pregnancy and giving birth to DH's child. This may sound weird, but sometimes I almost feel like we've "betrayed" our azoo brothers and sisters. Because we got the "good" diagnosis. The obstructive azoo. The supposedly easy fix. There is supposedly still hope for having our own biological child.
I'm getting the fear that this hope I'm clinging to may not be a good thing. I'm afraid I may not be as strong as I think I am. That one day all these hopes may be dashed away, and then I may not be able to swallow my own words of comfort. Looking forward to planning IVF is bringing both excitement and fear in me.
Something good that has changed in one year, is how open DH is willing to be about his diagnosis. Maybe he just thinks it's a cool conversation topic to tell a friend "I'm a mutant" and see how they react. Anyway I think this is great that he has this much peace with it and can make a step closer to advocating for IF awareness, without feeling any shame. Although I don't think it's wise to completely "out" ourselves (i.e. at work, or especially on FB).
I wonder where another year will lead us.
Friday, September 3, 2010
PMS is a bitch
That's all there is to it. I don't ever remember it being this bad pre-BC. But seriously, I'm sick of feeling like tearing everyone's head off every time AF approaches. Alanis Morissette to the rescue...maybe...
On top of that I've been having really weird dreams lately. I'll chalk it up to anticipation/anxiety over the new job I'm starting next week, as that is usually the topic of my dreams lately. Like I will show up to work and they tell me my program has to be moved to a different building, which ends of being in the same school I taught at in OK for the last 3 years so I'm feeling like "fuck I'm stuck in this dump again." Or that we had moved back to OK after only 3 months and I'm angry about all the money we wasted.
Then the last couple nights I've had weird baby/TTC- related dreams. First it was that we had a baby girl, but everyone was saying the baby didn't look like us. Then I saw her and even DH and I were questioning if the docs had screwed up. Last night I dreamed I was learning to give myself menopur shots, and when I realized it was too early to be cycling, I was told this was a "practice round." So I kept trying to figure out the needle (which was more like a mechanical pencil) and then realized I was sitting in my classroom with all the students impatiently waiting for me to start a lesson. Weird.
Oh well I wouldn't put too much thought into analyzing my dreams. I'm sure it's just hormones. Seriously, if most of my dreams had any meaning then what a fucked up world this would be.
On top of that I've been having really weird dreams lately. I'll chalk it up to anticipation/anxiety over the new job I'm starting next week, as that is usually the topic of my dreams lately. Like I will show up to work and they tell me my program has to be moved to a different building, which ends of being in the same school I taught at in OK for the last 3 years so I'm feeling like "fuck I'm stuck in this dump again." Or that we had moved back to OK after only 3 months and I'm angry about all the money we wasted.
Then the last couple nights I've had weird baby/TTC- related dreams. First it was that we had a baby girl, but everyone was saying the baby didn't look like us. Then I saw her and even DH and I were questioning if the docs had screwed up. Last night I dreamed I was learning to give myself menopur shots, and when I realized it was too early to be cycling, I was told this was a "practice round." So I kept trying to figure out the needle (which was more like a mechanical pencil) and then realized I was sitting in my classroom with all the students impatiently waiting for me to start a lesson. Weird.
Oh well I wouldn't put too much thought into analyzing my dreams. I'm sure it's just hormones. Seriously, if most of my dreams had any meaning then what a fucked up world this would be.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Choices
This past week has been a bit of an emotional wreck for me. It really sucks to try to plan things out so far in advance when you have so many conflicting priorities, feeling like you're being pulled in so many directions.
Before we even left, a lot of family members were talking to us about planning some get-togethers for Christmas and next summer. We will definitely be going to OK for Christmas, as DH's hectic school schedule won't allow him to go anywhere for Thanksgiving. I was hoping to spend the whole break in OK. Then a couple weeks ago my BIL was trying to convince us to go to Tahoe with them right after Christmas.
[side note: my playlist just started playing "Did you ever have to make up your mind?" by the Lovin Spoonful. How convenient]
Then there is trying to make plans for next summer. My brother had been discussing wanting to go hiking in New Mexico next summer (before it gets TOO hot). I have had my heart and mind set on starting IVF next summer, but felt like DH wasn't quite as *enthusiastic* about it as I am. But I definitely want to spend time with my brother next summer so both things are important to me. I have been contemplating in my mind how on the most convenient way to work out the timing.
Then this past week I started to think about something else that's important to me: visiting DH's parents. It's just crazy that I've been married this long and have never even met my in-laws. Then I started weighing that with IVF, realizing that if we had a successful IVF, it would not be wise to go to Bangladesh while pregnant so we would have to put that off even more. I came to my own conclusion that we should try to go to Bangladesh next summer, even if it meant putting off IVF for a few months or longer.
So this past weekend we went to see our very close friend in San Diego (let's call him K). On the drive down, I brought it up with DH and we talked about it. At first he wasn't sure, then thought about it some more and was on board with planning the trip for next summer. We both started feeling pretty excited about it, but the thought of having to choose one thing over the other was getting me down. Then we got to K's place and his roommate announced there would be company over. Great, I thought. I was not really in the mood for forced socialization with strangers. Then they happened to bring their little reminder of our IF. So upstairs in K's room I just had myself a good cry because life sucks. It's so unfair to have to put so much time and energy (and money) in planning something that most other people can do without much effort. After drying my eyes I went down to socialize and play with the cute cute tiny tot, and I felt a lot better.
The next day DH and I were spending time with K when he brought up the topic of IF. We had a good talk about it and he really helped to put things in perspective for us. Basically helped us to realize that we should seize the opportunity to try IVF while we can. Even when DH talked to his mom that evening, she thought if he had to choose between the two, he should do IVF.
So now we are definitely aiming for IVF next summer. I wouldn't say that DH was not on board before, but that he just didn't seem to be taking it as seriously as I was. Like he had shut off that compartment of thoughts and emotions in his brain. Now I think he officially has "the fever" and is more serious about saving up money for this.
Now we just have to decide what to do about insurance. We already know the insurance through his school won't cover ANYTHING IF-related. I am trying to find out more about what my work insurance will cover - I already know it won't cover IVF (or any of the drugs included with that). But I am trying to find out if it will cover his MESA to see whether or not it would be worth including him on my plan. Too bad when you call the insurance company they have no clue what those procedures are or what they cover.
Before we even left, a lot of family members were talking to us about planning some get-togethers for Christmas and next summer. We will definitely be going to OK for Christmas, as DH's hectic school schedule won't allow him to go anywhere for Thanksgiving. I was hoping to spend the whole break in OK. Then a couple weeks ago my BIL was trying to convince us to go to Tahoe with them right after Christmas.
[side note: my playlist just started playing "Did you ever have to make up your mind?" by the Lovin Spoonful. How convenient]
Then there is trying to make plans for next summer. My brother had been discussing wanting to go hiking in New Mexico next summer (before it gets TOO hot). I have had my heart and mind set on starting IVF next summer, but felt like DH wasn't quite as *enthusiastic* about it as I am. But I definitely want to spend time with my brother next summer so both things are important to me. I have been contemplating in my mind how on the most convenient way to work out the timing.
Then this past week I started to think about something else that's important to me: visiting DH's parents. It's just crazy that I've been married this long and have never even met my in-laws. Then I started weighing that with IVF, realizing that if we had a successful IVF, it would not be wise to go to Bangladesh while pregnant so we would have to put that off even more. I came to my own conclusion that we should try to go to Bangladesh next summer, even if it meant putting off IVF for a few months or longer.
So this past weekend we went to see our very close friend in San Diego (let's call him K). On the drive down, I brought it up with DH and we talked about it. At first he wasn't sure, then thought about it some more and was on board with planning the trip for next summer. We both started feeling pretty excited about it, but the thought of having to choose one thing over the other was getting me down. Then we got to K's place and his roommate announced there would be company over. Great, I thought. I was not really in the mood for forced socialization with strangers. Then they happened to bring their little reminder of our IF. So upstairs in K's room I just had myself a good cry because life sucks. It's so unfair to have to put so much time and energy (and money) in planning something that most other people can do without much effort. After drying my eyes I went down to socialize and play with the cute cute tiny tot, and I felt a lot better.
The next day DH and I were spending time with K when he brought up the topic of IF. We had a good talk about it and he really helped to put things in perspective for us. Basically helped us to realize that we should seize the opportunity to try IVF while we can. Even when DH talked to his mom that evening, she thought if he had to choose between the two, he should do IVF.
So now we are definitely aiming for IVF next summer. I wouldn't say that DH was not on board before, but that he just didn't seem to be taking it as seriously as I was. Like he had shut off that compartment of thoughts and emotions in his brain. Now I think he officially has "the fever" and is more serious about saving up money for this.
Now we just have to decide what to do about insurance. We already know the insurance through his school won't cover ANYTHING IF-related. I am trying to find out more about what my work insurance will cover - I already know it won't cover IVF (or any of the drugs included with that). But I am trying to find out if it will cover his MESA to see whether or not it would be worth including him on my plan. Too bad when you call the insurance company they have no clue what those procedures are or what they cover.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Bibliography of ASSVICE!!!
Here comes a fun post full of the most ridiculous ASSVICE I've gotten from various people within the last year or so. Partly because I'm bored. Partly because I'm a little PMS-y. But mostly because some of this stuff is too hilariously stupid not to share:
First of all, I got a lot of stupid assvice, comments, and questions regarding the move to LA
Source #1: Nosy co-worker
Co-worker: I heard you might be leaving after this year....
Me: Yes. My husband got into grad school in LA so we are moving.
Co-worker: Oh! Well I guess if you wanna stay married, then that's what you gotta do.
Wow. I didn't know a spouse's education/career change was grounds to consider divorce.
Source #2: Sweet little old lady at church
"Don't let the liberals out there getcha."
Good idea. I just know those dang liberals are hiding in the dark alleys, waiting to mug me for more tax money.
I also got the: "Are there any Baptist churches in LA?"
Yes, there are actually Baptists in a city with a population of more than 4 million people. But they all meet in secret underground passageways because they're hiding from the liberals.
Source #3: my mom
I'm telling you, for some one who has never lived here, she says some of the dumbest things sometimes....such as:
"Well you know, everything is mañana in California."
What.....what does that even mean?? Mañana means tomorrow. Everything is tomorrow? What?
Or how about "You mean they let [DH]'s car into California?"
Well actually we had to smuggle DH's perfectly fine honda into a oversized coffin for 24 hours while we crossed the California state border.
I couldn't even tell her about all the cool ethnic restaurants around and eating Cuban food without her making some comment about countries where people rebel against the government......Seriously??? It's just FOOD and your political views are severely warped.
How about ASSVICE on marriage?:
Source #4: rude co-worker (who has been divorced at least 2 or 3 times, gets into a new relationship every year and almost gets married, then calls it off)
"Well if I haven't taught you anything else, you listen to this: You better get a separate bank account only in your name, don't tell anybody you have this, and every month put away $50 dollars into the account. This is for EMERGENCIES, in case you need to get out because [DH] starts beatin' up on you."
What a great idea. Because when I fell in love and took those vows I thought "hmm, now here's a guy I can't trust and who doesn't love me so much that he wouldn't dare to lay a finger on me. But what the heck, I'll marry him anyway cuz I'm lonely." And by the way this tip you call "advice," in the real world is called "financial infidelity" and it's why you can't get your own relationships to work out.
Source #5: big sister (who is very selfish & immature, thinks she's an expert on marriage just because she has a boyfriend, and has made it very clear that she does not want children and pretty much thinks anyone who wants to get pregnant is stupid)
Sister: When you get married, your primarily responsibility is to your husband. That means if your husband had a bad day at work and he comes home and the kids are running around screaming, you send them to their room and take care of your husband first.
Mom: Well you just don't know the cold hard reality
Me: Yeah. What if you have an infant? You can't just "send him to his room"
Sister: OMG! JUST PUT IT IN THE PLAYPEN! HOW HARD IS THAT?!
That's right, stereotypical wives and stay-at-home-moms of the world. You better put down that hungry nursing baby and give your stereotypical breadwinner husband his bottle.
And then, of course, there's our all-time favorite: the getting pregnant/infertility ASSVICE:
Source #6: head midwife at the medical center (this is when I was still living in my world of ignorance is bliss, and was so sure I'd be pregnant any time now so I better start researching my birthing options)
Me: (wrapping up the consultation) BTW do you have any tips on getting pregnant?
Midwife: Well how long have you been trying?
Me: About 5 months.....
Midwife: (all-knowing smirk on face) Just take it easy, relax, don't think too much about it. I guarantee you.
Too bad there was no money-back on that guarantee. But then again it was a free consultation. Still, if I had a dollar for each time I've heard "just relax" I just might have enough money for IVF
Source #7: neurologist (a DOCTOR for crying out loud...keep in mind the whole reason I started seeing him was to get off the meds so I could safely get pregnant, and this conversation was just before we found out about CBAVD)
Neurologist: Are you still trying to get pregnant?
Me: ......we can't get pregnant. My husband doesn't have any sperm. (the end)
Neurologist: Well you know, all is takes is just one to go "SHOOOOOOOOO" (making rocket-ship motion). Well I'll see you back here in 6 months.
Yes, I can see it now in the Twilight Zone: "Hello? Hello? Well I guess I'm the only sperm left." (tail snaps off) "No....that's not fair....there was....SPACE now....there was all the space I needed....THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!!"
And perhaps the most absurd of all:
Source #8: nurse/former co-worker
Nurse: So are you still taking the Depakote?
Me: Oh no, I've been off of that over a year
Nurse: Oh good. So now just watch you'll probably get pregnant before you know it.
Me:.....not exactly...
Nurse: No?
Me: My husband was born without either of his "tubes" so the only possible way we could possibly get pregnant is through in-vitro.
You're a nurse. You understand, right?
Nurse: Ohhh......Well don't be surprised if something happens one day. heehee. I'm telling you I've seen these things happen! hahaha! What's it called? vans defens? I'm telling you I've seen things happen! Cuz it only takes one, JUST ONE! teeheehee! You know cuz it's trapped in there it only takes one it's gonna go crazy! It's gonna go CRAZY I tell you! teeheehee! Just watch, don't be surprised. You're gonna be one of those people on those TV shows that goes "What? How did it happen?" And I'm gonna be laughin and goin "AH HA HA! See I told her!" Just watch it only takes one of em to go crazy and find a way!
.......And I have no words. I guess I just need to hope for a miraculous conception so I can be on Good Morning America....
Well I hope everyone got a good little chuckle or two. People sure say the *darndest* things
Friday, July 30, 2010
Change of scenery
We made it! After 4 days of driving we arrived here in LA on Tuesday.
So let me tell you about our trip:
First off, I am SOOOOO glad we went through a moving company. Packing up everything was a pain but it was worth having all that other weight off our shoulders. Literally. This guy wrapped up my coffee table in a protective blanket and hoisted it over his shoulder and carried it to the truck. Dang, it always took us 2 people to carry that thing. Plus they had everything in the truck in about an hour. Normally it would take DH and I (and our parents) all day to pack it in a U-Haul. And I couldn't imagine DH or myself trying to drive a moving truck across the country. Thank you moving company.
Friday after the movers loaded everything up we spent the rest of the day cleaning, and then went out to eat with my family. My nephew was being silly and of course not understanding that his aunt and uncle were leaving. My little sister said a prayer for us and after she was done my nephew was all "Ca-li-FORN-yah?" He thought it was some silly word. So we're all telling him that aunt & uncle are going far far away to California for a long long time. "NO WAYYY! You can't go!" Then saying goodbye I said I wanted "all the hugs and all the kisses" from him. And he says "No! You have to cry!" That's because he always pretends to be mean to me when I want a hug and he says "No, I don't like you Aunt Ruth," then I pretend to cry and he gives me a hug. Believe me that I shed quite a few real tears this time.
Well Saturday morning after having some breakfast (McD's, bleh I know) we started the drive. But fortunately my big sister saved the day before we got too far. About 45 mins from her place she texted me and even though I hate it when people text/read texts while driving, thank God I decided to look at it. Because I had left my expensive new prescription glasses at her house and would be blind without my contacts if I didn't have my glasses. So we stopped at the next exit and her boyfriend and her drove out to bring me my glasses. *Whew!*
The rest of the day it rained and rained and rained all through the Texas panhandle and New Mexico. I was soooo tired and my eyes were so fatigued from trying to concentrate on the road through the rain all day. I'm so used to trading places with DH when we go driving and I was trying to figure out how to cope and stay awake. My little sis, who was used to driving from Nashville to OKC in one day, suggested those 5 hour energy drinks...Yeah it did NOTHING to keep me awake and alert except make me sick to my stomach. I eventually just had to convince DH I needed a power nap to rest my eyes for about 20 mins, and with that and some hot cappucino I was ready to go. I had originally planned that we should aim for Gallup, NM the first night, but we ended up just staying in Albuquerque. Which is a much nicer view and turns out was a better starting point for our next day's trip. (Guess I need to plan better).
Sunday we headed for Tucson, AZ to visit one of DH's friends he hadn't seen in 5 years. It rained a little bit off and on but not as much as the day before. The scary part though was when we were going west on the I-10 in New Mexico, and then for some reason the border patrol blocked off the highway, forcing everyone to take this little road south directly towards the border. I was like wtf is going on and where are they sending us??? My gps didn't even know where we were and kept showing me roads that didn't exist. But fortunately after 1 1/2 hours of wasted time, we got back to the I-10.
We got to Tucson and DH was really excited to see his friend. So after showering and freshening up at the hotel, we went to the friends place and his roommates cooked up some REALLY good Bangladeshi food. I mean DH cooks really good, but IMO his khichuri is nothing compared to how they made it, so he's got some learning to do. The food was really really delicious, but I knew we would regret eating so much before another long drive the next day.
Monday we left Tucson around 11 and headed to San Diego to stay with another good friend of ours. I checked how the weather would be and of course, it was extremely hot through Arizona. So I wore a tank top and hoochie shorts and was still burning up on the drive. And then when we drove through the mountains just inside of CA, the sign says to turn off the a/c to avoid engine over-heating (but don't avoid human over-heating :P When we finally got to San Diego I got out of the car....and was freezing! Ok maybe not freezing but this Okie is not used to 60 degree weather in July.
So on Tuesday we left San Diego around 11, stopped in San Clemente for lunch and then got to our apt here in LA. Of course it's only been a few days but I am really liking it so far. It's obviously much busier than OKC (duh) but somehow it feels "normal" to me. Now I'm going to give it a little more time before I update you and how the city has met my expectations, but first off I am going to say that driving here came so ridiculously easy to me that it almost put me to sleep and I needed to be stuck in bumper to bumper traffic to wake up (and driving in that is not as hard as I thought). I blame it on DH for trying to scare me into thinking I couldn't drive here after he visited the first time. ("People in Oklahoma can't drive. My friend wrecked both rental cars. You wouldn't know how to drive in LA.") Plus now that I've studied the map quite a bit, I realize that when we came here last year on vacation we were kinda dumb because we were staying in Anaheim and visited UCLA, Santa Monica pier, and Venice Beach on I think 3 different days (or at least there were 3 different driving trips....D'OH!) Now I know better. And I'M the one that has to keep telling DH that he needs to change lanes and watch what he's doing. So much for me not knowing how to drive.
So now we're trying to settle in but sometimes it still feels like only a vacation and I know we're acting like tourists lol. Like the first night after we were exhausted from driving and unloading the cars I was like "we need some In-n-Out" Yum. Then Wednesday after running some errands, we wanted to go to Pothead City Venice Beach. Now I would have just worn my normal clothes, but had a little problem getting some cleaning supplies at the store because I realized too late that the bottle of Drano I was holding was leaking.... So I wanted to go home and change out of my ruined clothes and then thought "Hmm, maybe I should wear this sexy beachy dress." Well that was a bad idea because I didn't have a jacket so I was FREEZING again, plus I had quite a few Marilyn Monroe moments.
Yesterday after we got our new fridge delivered, we went grocery shopping at 3 different places and I'm sure we looked like a couple of crazy happy fools astounded by low prices. Like "Whoa! Look how cheap these strawberries are! Whoa! Look how fresh these vegetables are! Whoa! Look how cheap these steaks are!" And DH is really excited that there's a halal meat grocery just down the street from us.
Ok can you tell we're excited about LA yet?
But I have to make one more mini-pitch for this great little restaurant we went to last night called Little Dhaka. It took us about an hour to drive there in heavy traffic but it was definitely worth it for REAL Bangladeshi food. DH said he heard a lot of good things about it. I read some reviews online and there were some "iffy" reviews, but mostly from people who only know Indian food and were disappointed that it's not the same. (A lot of people think the food should be similar because it's in the same geographic region, but the spices and method of cooking is totally different. Indian food typically uses a lot more yogurt and a lot more "sauce" per meat. Bangladeshi food uses different spices, a lot more onions, and you get much more meat or vegetable than gravy). Oh plus some reviewers complained about plastic silverware, but come on- you don't need silverware for this food-you just eat with your hands! Anyway, it's just a little place and also has a little market for South Asian groceries, but the guy at the counter was very nice and friendly and the food was awesome. DH said the whole place is just like back home. Well even though I don't know what "back home" is like, I guess I've been around Bangladeshi company enough that the place just felt comfortable and normal to me. And the food was just like real homemade Bangladeshi food. Definitely worth the drive out there.
So let me tell you about our trip:
First off, I am SOOOOO glad we went through a moving company. Packing up everything was a pain but it was worth having all that other weight off our shoulders. Literally. This guy wrapped up my coffee table in a protective blanket and hoisted it over his shoulder and carried it to the truck. Dang, it always took us 2 people to carry that thing. Plus they had everything in the truck in about an hour. Normally it would take DH and I (and our parents) all day to pack it in a U-Haul. And I couldn't imagine DH or myself trying to drive a moving truck across the country. Thank you moving company.
Friday after the movers loaded everything up we spent the rest of the day cleaning, and then went out to eat with my family. My nephew was being silly and of course not understanding that his aunt and uncle were leaving. My little sister said a prayer for us and after she was done my nephew was all "Ca-li-FORN-yah?" He thought it was some silly word. So we're all telling him that aunt & uncle are going far far away to California for a long long time. "NO WAYYY! You can't go!" Then saying goodbye I said I wanted "all the hugs and all the kisses" from him. And he says "No! You have to cry!" That's because he always pretends to be mean to me when I want a hug and he says "No, I don't like you Aunt Ruth," then I pretend to cry and he gives me a hug. Believe me that I shed quite a few real tears this time.
Well Saturday morning after having some breakfast (McD's, bleh I know) we started the drive. But fortunately my big sister saved the day before we got too far. About 45 mins from her place she texted me and even though I hate it when people text/read texts while driving, thank God I decided to look at it. Because I had left my expensive new prescription glasses at her house and would be blind without my contacts if I didn't have my glasses. So we stopped at the next exit and her boyfriend and her drove out to bring me my glasses. *Whew!*
The rest of the day it rained and rained and rained all through the Texas panhandle and New Mexico. I was soooo tired and my eyes were so fatigued from trying to concentrate on the road through the rain all day. I'm so used to trading places with DH when we go driving and I was trying to figure out how to cope and stay awake. My little sis, who was used to driving from Nashville to OKC in one day, suggested those 5 hour energy drinks...Yeah it did NOTHING to keep me awake and alert except make me sick to my stomach. I eventually just had to convince DH I needed a power nap to rest my eyes for about 20 mins, and with that and some hot cappucino I was ready to go. I had originally planned that we should aim for Gallup, NM the first night, but we ended up just staying in Albuquerque. Which is a much nicer view and turns out was a better starting point for our next day's trip. (Guess I need to plan better).
Sunday we headed for Tucson, AZ to visit one of DH's friends he hadn't seen in 5 years. It rained a little bit off and on but not as much as the day before. The scary part though was when we were going west on the I-10 in New Mexico, and then for some reason the border patrol blocked off the highway, forcing everyone to take this little road south directly towards the border. I was like wtf is going on and where are they sending us??? My gps didn't even know where we were and kept showing me roads that didn't exist. But fortunately after 1 1/2 hours of wasted time, we got back to the I-10.
We got to Tucson and DH was really excited to see his friend. So after showering and freshening up at the hotel, we went to the friends place and his roommates cooked up some REALLY good Bangladeshi food. I mean DH cooks really good, but IMO his khichuri is nothing compared to how they made it, so he's got some learning to do. The food was really really delicious, but I knew we would regret eating so much before another long drive the next day.
Monday we left Tucson around 11 and headed to San Diego to stay with another good friend of ours. I checked how the weather would be and of course, it was extremely hot through Arizona. So I wore a tank top and hoochie shorts and was still burning up on the drive. And then when we drove through the mountains just inside of CA, the sign says to turn off the a/c to avoid engine over-heating (but don't avoid human over-heating :P When we finally got to San Diego I got out of the car....and was freezing! Ok maybe not freezing but this Okie is not used to 60 degree weather in July.
So on Tuesday we left San Diego around 11, stopped in San Clemente for lunch and then got to our apt here in LA. Of course it's only been a few days but I am really liking it so far. It's obviously much busier than OKC (duh) but somehow it feels "normal" to me. Now I'm going to give it a little more time before I update you and how the city has met my expectations, but first off I am going to say that driving here came so ridiculously easy to me that it almost put me to sleep and I needed to be stuck in bumper to bumper traffic to wake up (and driving in that is not as hard as I thought). I blame it on DH for trying to scare me into thinking I couldn't drive here after he visited the first time. ("People in Oklahoma can't drive. My friend wrecked both rental cars. You wouldn't know how to drive in LA.") Plus now that I've studied the map quite a bit, I realize that when we came here last year on vacation we were kinda dumb because we were staying in Anaheim and visited UCLA, Santa Monica pier, and Venice Beach on I think 3 different days (or at least there were 3 different driving trips....D'OH!) Now I know better. And I'M the one that has to keep telling DH that he needs to change lanes and watch what he's doing. So much for me not knowing how to drive.
So now we're trying to settle in but sometimes it still feels like only a vacation and I know we're acting like tourists lol. Like the first night after we were exhausted from driving and unloading the cars I was like "we need some In-n-Out" Yum. Then Wednesday after running some errands, we wanted to go to Pothead City Venice Beach. Now I would have just worn my normal clothes, but had a little problem getting some cleaning supplies at the store because I realized too late that the bottle of Drano I was holding was leaking.... So I wanted to go home and change out of my ruined clothes and then thought "Hmm, maybe I should wear this sexy beachy dress." Well that was a bad idea because I didn't have a jacket so I was FREEZING again, plus I had quite a few Marilyn Monroe moments.
Yesterday after we got our new fridge delivered, we went grocery shopping at 3 different places and I'm sure we looked like a couple of crazy happy fools astounded by low prices. Like "Whoa! Look how cheap these strawberries are! Whoa! Look how fresh these vegetables are! Whoa! Look how cheap these steaks are!" And DH is really excited that there's a halal meat grocery just down the street from us.
Ok can you tell we're excited about LA yet?
But I have to make one more mini-pitch for this great little restaurant we went to last night called Little Dhaka. It took us about an hour to drive there in heavy traffic but it was definitely worth it for REAL Bangladeshi food. DH said he heard a lot of good things about it. I read some reviews online and there were some "iffy" reviews, but mostly from people who only know Indian food and were disappointed that it's not the same. (A lot of people think the food should be similar because it's in the same geographic region, but the spices and method of cooking is totally different. Indian food typically uses a lot more yogurt and a lot more "sauce" per meat. Bangladeshi food uses different spices, a lot more onions, and you get much more meat or vegetable than gravy). Oh plus some reviewers complained about plastic silverware, but come on- you don't need silverware for this food-you just eat with your hands! Anyway, it's just a little place and also has a little market for South Asian groceries, but the guy at the counter was very nice and friendly and the food was awesome. DH said the whole place is just like back home. Well even though I don't know what "back home" is like, I guess I've been around Bangladeshi company enough that the place just felt comfortable and normal to me. And the food was just like real homemade Bangladeshi food. Definitely worth the drive out there.
Monday, July 19, 2010
T minus 5 days to take-off
Ok maybe now it's more like 4 & 1/4....Still I can't believe how fast time has flown and here we are already, ready to start the drive on Saturday and move into our new apartment next Tuesday. This last week has been filled with not us much packing as there should be, and much MUCH more time spent with family and friends....I am still not ready to say goodbye.
I'm having an especially hard time thinking of leaving my brother, SIL, & 3-yr-old nephew behind. They live an hour away from us right now, but DH and I are really close with them- I'd say closer than any of our other family members. We're just so much alike, share the same values and generally the same life philosophy. DH and I have gotten to watch our nephew grow up and he's really close with us too. But...he's only 3...and he doesn't quite grasp the concept of what it means that his aunt & uncle are "moving" or "going far far away for a long long time." I'm sure he still thinks that he'll get to come to our house all the time or that we'll still come visit him and play with him a lot. I hate that I'm going to miss watching him as he continues to grow. I'm afraid he may start to forget us the longer we are away.
On a slightly different topic, I know a few of my family and friends are equally unhappy with my departure. Maybe that's where technology can come in with it's sorry, pathetic, not-even-close attempt at filling the void. I'm considering starting a separate blog so that my family and friends can follow up with us if they like. I like this idea better than mass emailing, especially since it seems like a lot of times those emails will go to spam and never be read. The thing is, I would need to keep it completely separate from this blog, using a different profile (we don't exactly want ALL of our family and friends reading our personal IF business, know what I mean?) But then I don't really want to "abandon" this blog while there's no IF treatments happening. Actually, I know that won't happen because this blog is more personal with all my emotional ups and downs, and the one I'm thinking of starting would be a more cut-and-dry-this-is-what-we-did-this-month kinda thing. I guess I just need to re-focus on what I want to use THIS blog for so I can devote time to 2 different blogs........
Ugh, this post is too depressing. Please excuse my late-night ramblings. I'll end it with a silly story about DH:
So for the past 3 &1/2 years, DH has had a wonderful time with all the glitz and glam of working at a gas station. Yeah so what, it helps pay the bills. Plus, the benefit of being able to get anything he needs from the convenience store (say, drinks and snacks and other necessities for going on road trips) and just subtracting it from his paycheck (or sometimes for freeeee). Well everytime we've gone on a long drive, he'll always OVERSTOCK up on snacks and drinks from work. He always does good on making sure I've got plenty of cold coffee and teas. He'll ask me what kind of snacks I want. Now usually if I'm on a long trip, I will be craving [unhealthy] stuff like gardettos, chex mix, pringles, wheat crackers, those little cake donuts, and sometimes honey roasted peanuts. Every now and then I'll want fruity candies like skittles or gummy worms. (Ok yes yes I KNOW this is all very very bad stuff that I don't eat on a regular basis but it tides me over on a long drive). Well then he comes home with oh maybe 1 or 2 packages of donut, a package of skittles, maybe 1 or 2 bags of chips that I like...and a buttload of either cheese flavored or extremely spicy flavored chips or nuts(which I don't much care for) and tons and tons of CANDY...and most of the candy he stashes up on is....CHOCOLATE(!!???!!!) Ok I love DH I really do, but he can be a dufus sometimes. He still hasn't figured out that you can't bring chocolate on a long hot car ride. Yesterday was his last day of work and he came home with the stash of drinks and snacks. So I look to see what he got and sure enough, there is the bag full of chocolate bars. I grabbed a kit-katbar mushy package and asked him how long this had been in the car. He said 30 mins to an hour...then he says "Hey we can just put these in the freezer and then they'll be solid again"...... *SIGH* For someone who tries to logically analyze everything, you'd think he'd figure out that if his favorite chocolate bars won't last an hour in the car, they won't even last 1 day of driving. The candy is still in the freezer. I guess he'll get to handle that chocolate surprise in his car if he still wants them.
I'm having an especially hard time thinking of leaving my brother, SIL, & 3-yr-old nephew behind. They live an hour away from us right now, but DH and I are really close with them- I'd say closer than any of our other family members. We're just so much alike, share the same values and generally the same life philosophy. DH and I have gotten to watch our nephew grow up and he's really close with us too. But...he's only 3...and he doesn't quite grasp the concept of what it means that his aunt & uncle are "moving" or "going far far away for a long long time." I'm sure he still thinks that he'll get to come to our house all the time or that we'll still come visit him and play with him a lot. I hate that I'm going to miss watching him as he continues to grow. I'm afraid he may start to forget us the longer we are away.
On a slightly different topic, I know a few of my family and friends are equally unhappy with my departure. Maybe that's where technology can come in with it's sorry, pathetic, not-even-close attempt at filling the void. I'm considering starting a separate blog so that my family and friends can follow up with us if they like. I like this idea better than mass emailing, especially since it seems like a lot of times those emails will go to spam and never be read. The thing is, I would need to keep it completely separate from this blog, using a different profile (we don't exactly want ALL of our family and friends reading our personal IF business, know what I mean?) But then I don't really want to "abandon" this blog while there's no IF treatments happening. Actually, I know that won't happen because this blog is more personal with all my emotional ups and downs, and the one I'm thinking of starting would be a more cut-and-dry-this-is-what-we-did-this-month kinda thing. I guess I just need to re-focus on what I want to use THIS blog for so I can devote time to 2 different blogs........
Ugh, this post is too depressing. Please excuse my late-night ramblings. I'll end it with a silly story about DH:
So for the past 3 &1/2 years, DH has had a wonderful time with all the glitz and glam of working at a gas station. Yeah so what, it helps pay the bills. Plus, the benefit of being able to get anything he needs from the convenience store (say, drinks and snacks and other necessities for going on road trips) and just subtracting it from his paycheck (or sometimes for freeeee). Well everytime we've gone on a long drive, he'll always OVERSTOCK up on snacks and drinks from work. He always does good on making sure I've got plenty of cold coffee and teas. He'll ask me what kind of snacks I want. Now usually if I'm on a long trip, I will be craving [unhealthy] stuff like gardettos, chex mix, pringles, wheat crackers, those little cake donuts, and sometimes honey roasted peanuts. Every now and then I'll want fruity candies like skittles or gummy worms. (Ok yes yes I KNOW this is all very very bad stuff that I don't eat on a regular basis but it tides me over on a long drive). Well then he comes home with oh maybe 1 or 2 packages of donut, a package of skittles, maybe 1 or 2 bags of chips that I like...and a buttload of either cheese flavored or extremely spicy flavored chips or nuts(which I don't much care for) and tons and tons of CANDY...and most of the candy he stashes up on is....CHOCOLATE(!!???!!!) Ok I love DH I really do, but he can be a dufus sometimes. He still hasn't figured out that you can't bring chocolate on a long hot car ride. Yesterday was his last day of work and he came home with the stash of drinks and snacks. So I look to see what he got and sure enough, there is the bag full of chocolate bars. I grabbed a kit-kat
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Infertility-friendly Songs
Lately, as I've been doing stuff around the house while listening to my diverse and random playlist of songs on itunes, I get to thinking that what this world needs is a lot more lyrics for the infertile. Especially those sappy love songs about getting married and having a baby.....Or especially sleazy rapping lyrics about contraception.
I mean, don't you all think Gin & Juice would have been much better if Snoop said:
"So what you wanna do? Sheeit,
I got a missing pair of tubes and my homeboys do too!"
Then my thought about infertility-friendly songs got me curious, and with a quick search: Voila! Someone has already made a MUSICAL about infertility and all the fun and exciting invasive proceedings that go along with it. I could only find 1 video on youtube, but it's pretty hilarious. I need to find the whole recording of this musical, it looks awesome.
I mean, don't you all think Gin & Juice would have been much better if Snoop said:
"So what you wanna do? Sheeit,
I got a missing pair of tubes and my homeboys do too!"
Then my thought about infertility-friendly songs got me curious, and with a quick search: Voila! Someone has already made a MUSICAL about infertility and all the fun and exciting invasive proceedings that go along with it. I could only find 1 video on youtube, but it's pretty hilarious. I need to find the whole recording of this musical, it looks awesome.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Packrats
I have moved 4 different times in the past 5 years and this one is definitely the biggest pain in the butt, packing wise. All other times we used a U-Haul and/or my dad's truck. We were going to get a U-haul this time, but then decided to go through a moving company because we figure the extra cost is worth not having the hassle of packing/unpacking it ourselves, driving it and paying for the gas for 3 days, plus having to get someone else to drive our 2nd car and pay for their hotel/flying back expenses. But the cost of moving stuff per weight + all the additional "fees", plus the size of the apt we're moving to is forcing us to REALLY cut down on what we're keeping....
And it's making me realize how much of the "trait" I've inherited. My mom is a classic hoarder. Not as bad as most that you see on those TV shows, but it's pretty bad. And I can tell from my other relatives that the justifying of "holding on to things" definitely runs in our family. DH and I used to be pretty messy and lazy and so with the first couple moves it was like just shove random things in a box and take it along. A couple years ago, I finally went through my closet and gave away a lot of clothes-some I'd had since high school! And then last summer I did some serious heavy-duty cleaning out of everything, throwing away unusable stuff, donating un-needed clothes and other stuff, and neatly organizing everything else. I was pretty proud of myself but for the last couple days I've been going through more stuff and been thinking, why did I decide to keep this? For example I had THREE file boxes of papers. One has the most current stuff and I use that but discarded some older things we don't need. But the other 2- well one of them had papers from when I was a freshman in college: why did I keep that??? And I talked DH into helping go through stuff because he kept a lot of papers and notes from college. He got rid of a lot but still wants to keep some.
Then I'm making some tough decisions about things to keep- whether or not the "sentimental value" is worth the space it's taking up. For example some gifts that I never used, and most likely never will get to or want to, I'm donating. And then yesterday I decided to throw away stuff from my wedding box- I kept the guestbook, napkins, and flower petals (oh and my mom insisted she pay to get my wedding dress preserved so that helps a little with space) but got rid of the unity candle, cake topper, things like that. I know they're supposed to be "keepsakes" but I decided it's just not worth it.
We've given away a LOT of stuff but I feel like we still haven't made much of a dent in anything. Tomorrow DH wants to go through the kitchen and thinks we can "make everything half." But as we both love cooking, I can definitely see this being an issue. We already had a tiny spat about which big stew pots to throw away. DH says "we're getting rid of everything we don't use" but the tough decision will be about a few glass serving dishes that we have never used, but they were a wedding gift from my friend who died a couple years ago. I don't know if I can let go of them.
And it's making me realize how much of the "trait" I've inherited. My mom is a classic hoarder. Not as bad as most that you see on those TV shows, but it's pretty bad. And I can tell from my other relatives that the justifying of "holding on to things" definitely runs in our family. DH and I used to be pretty messy and lazy and so with the first couple moves it was like just shove random things in a box and take it along. A couple years ago, I finally went through my closet and gave away a lot of clothes-some I'd had since high school! And then last summer I did some serious heavy-duty cleaning out of everything, throwing away unusable stuff, donating un-needed clothes and other stuff, and neatly organizing everything else. I was pretty proud of myself but for the last couple days I've been going through more stuff and been thinking, why did I decide to keep this? For example I had THREE file boxes of papers. One has the most current stuff and I use that but discarded some older things we don't need. But the other 2- well one of them had papers from when I was a freshman in college: why did I keep that??? And I talked DH into helping go through stuff because he kept a lot of papers and notes from college. He got rid of a lot but still wants to keep some.
Then I'm making some tough decisions about things to keep- whether or not the "sentimental value" is worth the space it's taking up. For example some gifts that I never used, and most likely never will get to or want to, I'm donating. And then yesterday I decided to throw away stuff from my wedding box- I kept the guestbook, napkins, and flower petals (oh and my mom insisted she pay to get my wedding dress preserved so that helps a little with space) but got rid of the unity candle, cake topper, things like that. I know they're supposed to be "keepsakes" but I decided it's just not worth it.
We've given away a LOT of stuff but I feel like we still haven't made much of a dent in anything. Tomorrow DH wants to go through the kitchen and thinks we can "make everything half." But as we both love cooking, I can definitely see this being an issue. We already had a tiny spat about which big stew pots to throw away. DH says "we're getting rid of everything we don't use" but the tough decision will be about a few glass serving dishes that we have never used, but they were a wedding gift from my friend who died a couple years ago. I don't know if I can let go of them.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Expectations
Ok so I'm still not quite over the surreality of this big move we're about to make in less than 2 months. It probably won't feel real until we're driving across the country with our bags packed. But the more I pack and the more I search for jobs and apartments, the more I get to thinking "Holy crap! I'm actually going to be living here, living out of Oklahoma for the first time in my life!"
Lots of mixed emotions with that. Yeah I've been living "on my own" since I was 18, but only about 90 miles away from home. And I've got nothing on DH, moving halfway across the globe and completely on his own when he moved here. At least I've got somebody to be with, but this is going to be one of the biggest changes in my life. Some days I'm feeling really excited about it. Other days it gets me down in the dumps.
I decided to make a list of my expectations of our new home, the pros and cons. (Some things obviously will be more about our housing situation than the general culture/atmosphere of the area). Then after we get settled in, I'll see what I was right about, what I miss, and what I never expected. So here we go:
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO:
Lots of mixed emotions with that. Yeah I've been living "on my own" since I was 18, but only about 90 miles away from home. And I've got nothing on DH, moving halfway across the globe and completely on his own when he moved here. At least I've got somebody to be with, but this is going to be one of the biggest changes in my life. Some days I'm feeling really excited about it. Other days it gets me down in the dumps.
I decided to make a list of my expectations of our new home, the pros and cons. (Some things obviously will be more about our housing situation than the general culture/atmosphere of the area). Then after we get settled in, I'll see what I was right about, what I miss, and what I never expected. So here we go:
WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO:
- The beautiful weather out there. And walking on the beach. No more tornados, hailstorms, or bipolar Oklahoma weather.
- That feeling of "starting fresh" when you move into a new apartment. Getting rid of old/unneeded furniture/decor and getting to redecorate (little by little, as finances will allow, of course).
- FOOD: fresh produce, fresh fish, more culturally diverse groceries and restaurants, etc. (We can't wait to eat at The Stinking Rose again. Mmmmmmm)
- Much more interesting variety of "where to go," "things to do," and "places to see" when we're bored.
- Meeting new people. Getting acquainted with a new culture in general.
- Getting to see how DH's career develops in an awesome location.
WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO:
- DRIVING! I have NO IDEA how to drive on the highways out there. Hopefully I can find a job close enough that I can just take the city streets because I'm so scared I'm gonna wreck the car on my very first attempt to merge and/or change lanes on the freeway. The driving *rules* are so different out there, but I'll have to learn.
- The extremely expensive cost of living.
- I suppose I'll be trading Oklahoma tornados for California earthquakes. And you can't prepare for earthquakes. But maybe it won't be so bad.
- The crammed/congested feeling of the city. I guess I am somewhat of a country girl at heart, wanting *wide open spaces.* Even as I search for apartments I'm wondering what the heck we're going to do with 2 cars, as all the places only allow for 1 parking space (if even that).
- Having to use the *apartment laundromat.* I've come to grips with the fact that I won't be able to do laundry whenever I want in the comfort of my own home, but I don't like it. I've had bad experiences in the past. Hopefully the apt we get will have the laundromat in a convenient location and not where we have to walk far far away to get there.
- I have this feeling that I'm really gonna stick out like a sore thumb wherever I go. I don't usually care so much about "fitting in" and I couldn't care less about all the Hollywood glam. I just hate being somewhere new and feeling clueless about everything. There are probably some cultural/lifestyle differences between Okies & Californians that I don't even know exist that will throw me off.
- Feeling alone. Of course DH is right there with me, but I'm really gonna miss my family, especially my bro, SIL, & nephew. Starting over with making new friends, I don't even know where to begin. Plus DH's school schedule for the 1st semester is apparently really hectic, so I'll probably be crying myself to sleep for a while.
Ok there's my *list.* I'll revisit this in a few months and see how my feelings and expectations of the new home have changed.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
And yet, another reason to hate insurance companies
DH got an e-mail from the new school, explaining enrolling procedures, registration fees, yada yada. AND it mentioned the student health insurance plan that's included in the registration fees, unless we waive it.
So being a "student health insurance" I figured it's gotta be pretty limited on coverage, on what is considered a medical necessity. Of course infertility won't be covered.
Looking through the list of benefits:
Elective abortion: covered. Well yeah, insurance companies don't want to pay for another human being. No surprise there.
Transgender surgery: covered. What? Really? Oh are CA insurance companies really going to be accepting of people's differences? Surely the infertile won't be overshadowed now- where does it mention infertility?
Oh here it is.....under "Exclusions & Limitations".
ABSOLUTELY NO BENEFITS PAID FOR:
So being a "student health insurance" I figured it's gotta be pretty limited on coverage, on what is considered a medical necessity. Of course infertility won't be covered.
Looking through the list of benefits:
Elective abortion: covered. Well yeah, insurance companies don't want to pay for another human being. No surprise there.
Transgender surgery: covered. What? Really? Oh are CA insurance companies really going to be accepting of people's differences? Surely the infertile won't be overshadowed now- where does it mention infertility?
Oh here it is.....under "Exclusions & Limitations".
ABSOLUTELY NO BENEFITS PAID FOR:
Fuck.Reproductive/Infertility services including but not limited to: family planning; fertilitytests; infertility (male or female), including any services or supplies rendered for thepurpose or with the intent of inducing conception; premarital examinations; impotence,organic or otherwise; reversal of sterilization procedures
Monday, May 17, 2010
The stash
Today I have this horrible sinus headache, plus itchy nose/sneezing. I'm going through all my OTC meds, trying to find something to help me out....
And I come across my long lost secret stash. You know: the prenatals, the Omega-3 fish oil, the EPO, the B6, the fertility blend (for women AND for men)..... All those things that were supposed to magically help me get pregnant. Ha.
Anyone need some pre-seed?
And I come across my long lost secret stash. You know: the prenatals, the Omega-3 fish oil, the EPO, the B6, the fertility blend (for women AND for men)..... All those things that were supposed to magically help me get pregnant. Ha.
Anyone need some pre-seed?
Saturday, May 8, 2010
New Favorite Proverb
Ok, I know it. I've been a bad blogger. I didn't mean to leave the blog hanging with my anger at insurance companies. I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but just kept putting it off, trying to figure out just how I wanted to say this. Afraid of just rambling and not making any sense.
And while I've put it off, a lot has happened. DH got accepted into the grad school he wanted, so we're definitely planning out this exciting move to California, and know exactly what location to aim for in the job/apt hunt. We are both so blessed to have this opportunity for something new in our lives....
Yet....
There is still an emptiness, a longing inside of me. And people all around me tend to minimize it. For example, recently at my workplace, they threw a baby shower for several new moms. And I let a close co-worker (not a "new mom") know that I was getting some gifts, but that I don't think I'm ready for baby showers again yet. To which her words of comfort are: "You couldn't do what you're doing right now (moving to a new state) if you were pregnant." Of course not. And yes it's nice to not have to worry about anything happening at an inconvenient time. But what wouldn't I give for DH and I to BE ABLE TO conceive even "accidentally."
And then there's Facebook, ever faithful in reminding me of what I don't have. What I can't have without a LOT of intervention (and $$$). What I may never have if those interventions do not work. Announcements seem to pop up unexpectedly everywhere. Oh hey, there's that long-time-ago friend. Wonder how she's doin n-....wonder why she's asking for a good newborn photographer.... How is so&so nowadays?....oh....it's a boy....
And with that comes the huge wave of guilt. The why am I so upset over a friend's huge blessing? Why do I feel so empty when I have so much?
That's what brings me to my new favorite Proverb:
(But first, a mini-pitch): In what little spare time I have, I've been reading The Infertiliy Companion, by Sandra L. Glahn, Th. M. & William R. Cutrer, M.D. I found this book in the Christian Inspiration section at a bookstore, and so far I just love it. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a good read on IF from a Christian perspective.
Anyway, I was reading the chapter on "The Spiritual Struggle," where the author was discussing the often-quoted "fertility" verses that get pulled out of context. You know, the "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child" (Isaiah 54:1) or "[a woman] will be saved through childbearing..." (I Tim. 2:15).
Then it pointed out one of the least-quoted "infertility" passages:
The leech has two daughters-
Give and Give!
There are three things that are never satisfied,
Four never say, "Enough!":
The grave,
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water-
And the fire that never says, "Enough!"
And while I've put it off, a lot has happened. DH got accepted into the grad school he wanted, so we're definitely planning out this exciting move to California, and know exactly what location to aim for in the job/apt hunt. We are both so blessed to have this opportunity for something new in our lives....
Yet....
There is still an emptiness, a longing inside of me. And people all around me tend to minimize it. For example, recently at my workplace, they threw a baby shower for several new moms. And I let a close co-worker (not a "new mom") know that I was getting some gifts, but that I don't think I'm ready for baby showers again yet. To which her words of comfort are: "You couldn't do what you're doing right now (moving to a new state) if you were pregnant." Of course not. And yes it's nice to not have to worry about anything happening at an inconvenient time. But what wouldn't I give for DH and I to BE ABLE TO conceive even "accidentally."
And then there's Facebook, ever faithful in reminding me of what I don't have. What I can't have without a LOT of intervention (and $$$). What I may never have if those interventions do not work. Announcements seem to pop up unexpectedly everywhere. Oh hey, there's that long-time-ago friend. Wonder how she's doin n-....wonder why she's asking for a good newborn photographer.... How is so&so nowadays?....oh....it's a boy....
And with that comes the huge wave of guilt. The why am I so upset over a friend's huge blessing? Why do I feel so empty when I have so much?
That's what brings me to my new favorite Proverb:
(But first, a mini-pitch): In what little spare time I have, I've been reading The Infertiliy Companion, by Sandra L. Glahn, Th. M. & William R. Cutrer, M.D. I found this book in the Christian Inspiration section at a bookstore, and so far I just love it. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a good read on IF from a Christian perspective.
Anyway, I was reading the chapter on "The Spiritual Struggle," where the author was discussing the often-quoted "fertility" verses that get pulled out of context. You know, the "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child" (Isaiah 54:1) or "[a woman] will be saved through childbearing..." (I Tim. 2:15).
Then it pointed out one of the least-quoted "infertility" passages:
The leech has two daughters-
Give and Give!
There are three things that are never satisfied,
Four never say, "Enough!":
The grave,
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water-
And the fire that never says, "Enough!"
-Proverbs 30:15-16 (NKJV)
Now I think it's easy for most people to focus on the negative aspect of this proverb concerning the leeches' greed, especially when it's talking about wildfires and death. But we as IFers can see another meaning to this:
Four NATURAL forces (not necessarily evil) created by God are described in parallel to each other, INCLUDING the cry of the barren womb. We are created to desire children, and the emptiness we feel when we don't have a child is just as natural and inevitable as the need for the earth to drink up rainwater to be fruitful.
So when I hurt for what I don't have, or when I begin to fear that I never will have, I find peace and comfort in this verse. Knowing that it is perfectly OK to feel this way, because it's how I have been created. And knowing that if our IVF procedures don't work out in the future, it has to be for a greater purpose.
Four NATURAL forces (not necessarily evil) created by God are described in parallel to each other, INCLUDING the cry of the barren womb. We are created to desire children, and the emptiness we feel when we don't have a child is just as natural and inevitable as the need for the earth to drink up rainwater to be fruitful.
So when I hurt for what I don't have, or when I begin to fear that I never will have, I find peace and comfort in this verse. Knowing that it is perfectly OK to feel this way, because it's how I have been created. And knowing that if our IVF procedures don't work out in the future, it has to be for a greater purpose.
Friday, March 26, 2010
**** you, BCBS!
DH just got this copy of a letter from his insurance company in the mail today:
NO SHIT IT"S A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION! HE WAS FUCKING BORN THAT WAY!
We're now looking at having to pay at least $750 for ONE appointment. DH is calling first thing Monday morning and canceling the insurance. If this is the shit we have to go through for a few piddly little blood tests, I am not looking forward to IVF.
Not like "Obamacare" is gonna help any with fertility treatments.
"Dear Board of Regents:
In reviewing the claims for this patient, we found that a payment was made to you....of $156.36. However, we have determined that these services were for a preexisting condition, and under the patient's benefit plan, benefits are not available. If we do not receive the overpayment of $156.36 within 30 days..." yada yada yada
NO SHIT IT"S A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION! HE WAS FUCKING BORN THAT WAY!
We're now looking at having to pay at least $750 for ONE appointment. DH is calling first thing Monday morning and canceling the insurance. If this is the shit we have to go through for a few piddly little blood tests, I am not looking forward to IVF.
Not like "Obamacare" is gonna help any with fertility treatments.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
To the flag....
Exciting news today: DH passed his citizenship test!!!
Not like it was hard or anything (although I'm sure quite a few natural-born citizens may even miss some of the easiest questions...) But the whole process of getting PR status had been quite a journey, and now he's made it to citizen; it feels great to put these worries behind us now.
DH was a little bit sad about having to "give up" his home country, as the U.S. does not recognize dual citizenship. That means he will now have to get a visa when he goes back to visit his own family. How weird is that?
Not like it was hard or anything (although I'm sure quite a few natural-born citizens may even miss some of the easiest questions...) But the whole process of getting PR status had been quite a journey, and now he's made it to citizen; it feels great to put these worries behind us now.
DH was a little bit sad about having to "give up" his home country, as the U.S. does not recognize dual citizenship. That means he will now have to get a visa when he goes back to visit his own family. How weird is that?
Monday, March 1, 2010
Maybe it's better
The other day we got DH's insurance "EOB" in the mail. And gee wouldn't you know, practically NOTHING was covered. So we may owe over $500. What's the point of insurance then? Now these are all for the lab services on Jan 11th. Can't wait to see what they try to do about the renal u/s visit. If they try to not cover that I will be raising some hell. Can you imagine if someone actually is born with only one kidney, and their insurance wouldn't want to pay for any treatment cuz it's a "pre-existing condition?" Well no shit. Stupid insurance.
So maybe it's good that we won't be doing the MESA here cuz this insurance sucks ass. But then again, it may not be any better in California. I read online about some states that have "mandatory infertility coverage" but from what I see there's still no guarantee.
On a positive note, DH is flying back in from CA tonight. I missed him a lot this weekend.
So maybe it's good that we won't be doing the MESA here cuz this insurance sucks ass. But then again, it may not be any better in California. I read online about some states that have "mandatory infertility coverage" but from what I see there's still no guarantee.
On a positive note, DH is flying back in from CA tonight. I missed him a lot this weekend.
Monday, February 15, 2010
From Either/Or to Neither/Nor
Today we went to the urologist again for the bloodwork results & renal ultrasound. As it turns out, both kidneys are there and intact. All his hormone levels came back normal, AND he tested negative for all 36 panels of CF screening. The Dr. said there's no way to test for ALL genetic possibilities, so there may still be a possibility of a mutation in the CFTR gene, but for now things are looking good! Just an unexplained mutation. Maybe DH should join the X-Men ;)
BTW, for those of you who were wondering, we finally got a chance to talk to my parents this past Friday. And, it actually went pretty well. My mom was starting to tear up a little but was fine. (I'm definitely glad we decided not to tell them back when all we knew was "0 sperm"). The only weird thing she said was "So there's no way they can do any kind of.....transplant for that?" Um, no. My dad was pretty quiet, only spoke up when we talked about IVF. When we said we would not selectively abort any embryos, he said that's the only problem he has with IVF. And also said "And if it doesn't work out, you can always adopt." To which I replied we still have intentions to adopt, even if we are able to have a biological child.
Really my parents were only judgmental and giving stupid advice regarding our likely move to California. You know, stuff like "It's too liberal out there" or "You don't want to teach in their schools" when they haven't really seen it for themselves.
So now, we're just on pause. Just going to relax and let "TTC" take the back seat as we start preparing for the move. Gotta find something to blog about in the meantime...
BTW, for those of you who were wondering, we finally got a chance to talk to my parents this past Friday. And, it actually went pretty well. My mom was starting to tear up a little but was fine. (I'm definitely glad we decided not to tell them back when all we knew was "0 sperm"). The only weird thing she said was "So there's no way they can do any kind of.....transplant for that?" Um, no. My dad was pretty quiet, only spoke up when we talked about IVF. When we said we would not selectively abort any embryos, he said that's the only problem he has with IVF. And also said "And if it doesn't work out, you can always adopt." To which I replied we still have intentions to adopt, even if we are able to have a biological child.
Really my parents were only judgmental and giving stupid advice regarding our likely move to California. You know, stuff like "It's too liberal out there" or "You don't want to teach in their schools" when they haven't really seen it for themselves.
So now, we're just on pause. Just going to relax and let "TTC" take the back seat as we start preparing for the move. Gotta find something to blog about in the meantime...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Wagon Wheels
Two years ago this May, I lost a very dear friend of mine to kidney cancer. Even though we were not related, I always thought of her as a "Grandma" to me. Some of my earliest memories at church are those of falling asleep in the pew beside her. I think that as a younger child, I just always wanted to sit by her because she gave me candy every Sunday. As I got older, I began to really just cherish her company. The day I was saved, I asked her to come to the altar with me. As a teenager, I could talk to her about all my secret crushes. I told her when DH and I were engaged before I even told my mom! In a small church environment bustling with gossip and judgmental attitudes, this woman simply offered her practical service to God through her sweet, humble, and caring spirit.
IF has gotten me thinking more about her lately. You see, I had always noted that she didn't talk about children. She never had any family come to visit at church like everyone else did. But I never knew why until my junior year in high school. We had a writing assignment, where we had to interview a senior adult about their life growing up, the most important things they learned in life, that sort of thing. So I chose to write about my "Grandma." She told me about her life growing up on a farm with lots of siblings, about all the chores they would do to help out. Then she told me about the accident. When she was about 8 years old, a young man that worked on their farm somehow ran over her while he was driving a wagon or buggy... She smiled as she told me "He felt so bad about it that he bought me a brand new dress and some shoes." (Or something like that...I just remember it was pretty miniscule). But the accident left her incapable of having children. She said she and her husband wanted/tried to adopt, but they just couldn't get around to it or it didn't work out.
Of course as a high schooler, the thought of infertility was, in a way, over my head. All I could think about was that must have been so sad for her. Now that it hits quite a bit closer to home, I wonder how she really dealt with it. Because of somebody's careless mistake, she was robbed of the ability to experience pregnancy, to experience birth, to experience motherhood. Did she really just humbly accept a pair of shoes in its place? I wonder how she really felt during her younger years, as she watched all her friends have children, and watched them grow up.
There are some days I wish I still had her shoulder to lean on, that we could talk about this. I miss you Grandma.
IF has gotten me thinking more about her lately. You see, I had always noted that she didn't talk about children. She never had any family come to visit at church like everyone else did. But I never knew why until my junior year in high school. We had a writing assignment, where we had to interview a senior adult about their life growing up, the most important things they learned in life, that sort of thing. So I chose to write about my "Grandma." She told me about her life growing up on a farm with lots of siblings, about all the chores they would do to help out. Then she told me about the accident. When she was about 8 years old, a young man that worked on their farm somehow ran over her while he was driving a wagon or buggy... She smiled as she told me "He felt so bad about it that he bought me a brand new dress and some shoes." (Or something like that...I just remember it was pretty miniscule). But the accident left her incapable of having children. She said she and her husband wanted/tried to adopt, but they just couldn't get around to it or it didn't work out.
Of course as a high schooler, the thought of infertility was, in a way, over my head. All I could think about was that must have been so sad for her. Now that it hits quite a bit closer to home, I wonder how she really dealt with it. Because of somebody's careless mistake, she was robbed of the ability to experience pregnancy, to experience birth, to experience motherhood. Did she really just humbly accept a pair of shoes in its place? I wonder how she really felt during her younger years, as she watched all her friends have children, and watched them grow up.
There are some days I wish I still had her shoulder to lean on, that we could talk about this. I miss you Grandma.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Ch-ch-ch-changes!
As you *may* have noticed, I decided to change quite a few things on the blog. It was time for a new look, plus I decided to edit a few things for the safety/privacy of DH and I.
DH also helped me come up with a different title for my blog. It's a phrase that reflects how we all need to value ourselves as part of infinity, no matter how insignificant we may feel.
Hope you all enjoy the new look!
ETA: Changed the template again because the comments didn't work on the last one (thanks Emmy for the heads up!)
DH also helped me come up with a different title for my blog. It's a phrase that reflects how we all need to value ourselves as part of infinity, no matter how insignificant we may feel.
Hope you all enjoy the new look!
ETA: Changed the template again because the comments didn't work on the last one (thanks Emmy for the heads up!)
A pressssstigious award!
Thanks so much, Missy for nominating me for this award! First ever blog award:
1. I love to listen to all kinds of music except country, which most people find strange that an Okie doesn't like country music. My absolute favorite decade for music is the 60's, closely followed by the 90's.
2. Growing up, my family didn't get into competitive sports activities. Instead we were extremely competitive musicians. I was doing piano contests from 5th-12th grade, and started doing voice contests in high school. All my hard work payed off my senior year when I won state contest for vocal solo and piano concerto.
3. Part of the reason I never played sports (except required basketball in 5th & 6th grade....*shudder*) is because my motor coordination has always really sucked. I used to dread being called in class to demonstrate something that required good coordination and I always got made fun of in P.E.
4. I grew up in the country and we always had a lot of pets including cats, dogs, rabbits, and ducks. Now I sometimes wish we had a dog, but DH refuses to have cats or dogs as pets. But we may consider someday getting a rabbit, turtles, or a bearded dragon. He's said maybe he wants a pet snake and I say NO WAY! ;)
5. DH and I love to travel: sight-seeing road trips are kind of our mutual addiction! I haven't been out of the country yet :( but so far we have been to Corpus Christi, Colorado Springs/Pikes Peak area, Grand Canyon, and last summer we traveled a lot of places in CA. This May we're planning on driving to MN (where my Grandma and some other relatives live).
6. We also love food: cooking and trying out different kinds of food. DH has become quite an expert at Bengali/Indian food, and I like to cook Mexican or Italian style. Plus we always like to add to our repertoire of different meats we've eaten. Other than the usual stuff (including different kinds of fish), I've had: bison, deer, antelope, elk, ostrich, quail, duck, goose, goat, rabbit, shark, alligator, and rattlesnake.
7. I'm addicted to crossword and variety puzzles. My favorites are diagramless crosswords and logic problems, but I personally think Sudokus are overrated. :)
Well I unfortunately don't have enough people to nominate 7. I nominate Missy and Alison, but I know you guys have already done this one :)
Also nominating:
Kassidy
Emmy
Ruby
"The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:* Thank the person who nominated you for this award.* Copy the award and place it in your blog.* Link the person who nominated you for this award.* Tell us 7 interesting things about you.* Nominate 7 bloggers.* Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate. "
1. I love to listen to all kinds of music except country, which most people find strange that an Okie doesn't like country music. My absolute favorite decade for music is the 60's, closely followed by the 90's.
2. Growing up, my family didn't get into competitive sports activities. Instead we were extremely competitive musicians. I was doing piano contests from 5th-12th grade, and started doing voice contests in high school. All my hard work payed off my senior year when I won state contest for vocal solo and piano concerto.
3. Part of the reason I never played sports (except required basketball in 5th & 6th grade....*shudder*) is because my motor coordination has always really sucked. I used to dread being called in class to demonstrate something that required good coordination and I always got made fun of in P.E.
4. I grew up in the country and we always had a lot of pets including cats, dogs, rabbits, and ducks. Now I sometimes wish we had a dog, but DH refuses to have cats or dogs as pets. But we may consider someday getting a rabbit, turtles, or a bearded dragon. He's said maybe he wants a pet snake and I say NO WAY! ;)
5. DH and I love to travel: sight-seeing road trips are kind of our mutual addiction! I haven't been out of the country yet :( but so far we have been to Corpus Christi, Colorado Springs/Pikes Peak area, Grand Canyon, and last summer we traveled a lot of places in CA. This May we're planning on driving to MN (where my Grandma and some other relatives live).
6. We also love food: cooking and trying out different kinds of food. DH has become quite an expert at Bengali/Indian food, and I like to cook Mexican or Italian style. Plus we always like to add to our repertoire of different meats we've eaten. Other than the usual stuff (including different kinds of fish), I've had: bison, deer, antelope, elk, ostrich, quail, duck, goose, goat, rabbit, shark, alligator, and rattlesnake.
7. I'm addicted to crossword and variety puzzles. My favorites are diagramless crosswords and logic problems, but I personally think Sudokus are overrated. :)
Well I unfortunately don't have enough people to nominate 7. I nominate Missy and Alison, but I know you guys have already done this one :)
Also nominating:
Kassidy
Emmy
Ruby
Friday, January 29, 2010
Still here
Hello blogworld! It's been a while since my last post so I thought I'd just let everyone know that I'm still alive. Not much happening here, except that I've been a bit of an emotional wreck for the past couple of weeks. Usually, it takes a LOT to make me physically cry, but lately just the littlest things get the waterworks going. I should be happy after finding out what is wrong with DH, and believe me I am SO thankful for all we do have. I guess the "novelty" has worn off and reality has struck back. I am still an outsider, awkwardly separated from people wherever I go: work, church, etc. Can't even be happy and positive without getting shot down.
Probably what is getting to me the most is realizing how extremely difficult this process is going to be, with no guarantee that it will work. On top of that, it's almost certain that we are going to be making the big move to Cali this year. So there goes our "Oklahoma baby." Pretty sure that after the u/s in 2 weeks, any other TTC efforts will be put on hold. I mean sure we COULD try to go ahead and do the MESA and get some little swimmers frozen while we're here (and I know it sounds bad, but I would almost feel more secure doing that). But what if after we move they won't allow the sperm to be shipped halfway across the country? Or what if something goes wrong in the shipping process? I'm not going to make DH get his balls sliced open twice. Besides, he's already said that if we're moving, he's not going to do the procedure here. So that means that technically we'll be kicked back to "waiting to try" status.....and who knows how long that wait will be.
BTW, for those of you who are wondering, I still haven't told my parents yet. I wanted to last week, but DH really needed to finish his work for his final grad school application. Today would have been perfect, but my dad couldn't even drive up from TX (and no way were we going on the road) because of the ice/snow storm. Hopefully next weekend my dad will be there and we can drive down and get it over with.
Sorry for such a melancholy post. I hope I'll be in a more cheerful mood on my next post. In the meantime, enjoy a snow/ice pic. (I just hope these frozen trees don't fall on any power lines!)
Probably what is getting to me the most is realizing how extremely difficult this process is going to be, with no guarantee that it will work. On top of that, it's almost certain that we are going to be making the big move to Cali this year. So there goes our "Oklahoma baby." Pretty sure that after the u/s in 2 weeks, any other TTC efforts will be put on hold. I mean sure we COULD try to go ahead and do the MESA and get some little swimmers frozen while we're here (and I know it sounds bad, but I would almost feel more secure doing that). But what if after we move they won't allow the sperm to be shipped halfway across the country? Or what if something goes wrong in the shipping process? I'm not going to make DH get his balls sliced open twice. Besides, he's already said that if we're moving, he's not going to do the procedure here. So that means that technically we'll be kicked back to "waiting to try" status.....and who knows how long that wait will be.
BTW, for those of you who are wondering, I still haven't told my parents yet. I wanted to last week, but DH really needed to finish his work for his final grad school application. Today would have been perfect, but my dad couldn't even drive up from TX (and no way were we going on the road) because of the ice/snow storm. Hopefully next weekend my dad will be there and we can drive down and get it over with.
Sorry for such a melancholy post. I hope I'll be in a more cheerful mood on my next post. In the meantime, enjoy a snow/ice pic. (I just hope these frozen trees don't fall on any power lines!)
Monday, January 18, 2010
2 down, 2 to go
Had an awesome time last night. We had a double date with my bro & SIL. We watched "The Lovely Bones" (which was ok but not as good as I expected) and went to eat at Macaroni Grill. At dinner, DH decided to talk to them about our situation. Had a good conversation about it and they were very respectful and understanding and I love them for that! :)
DH had already planned to tell his parents, so after we got home he called them. I tried listening to what English I could pick up from the conversation, but ended up falling asleep. I guess he was on the phone with them for a couple hours because he woke me up at 12:30. He said his parents were ok, his mom cried a little bit and said "I don't want anything else, just get a kid as soon as you can." (Um...ok....we'll see what we can do...)
He also found out/was reminded about some distant male relatives who never had children. But his parents told him there was nobody they knew of in their family who ever had cystic fibrosis or any lung problems for that matter. I know there is still a possibility of him carrying the gene, but the URA (unilateral renal agenesis) explanation is starting to seem more likely. From what I have read, a fetus's kidneys and ureters develop at the same time as the vas deferens, so that would explain why missing vas deferens would be related to a missing kidney. Also, adults who have URA tend to develop high blood pressure. Almost all of DH's relatives (on both sides of the family) have HBP. Hmmm. Ok I know, I shouldn't jump to any conclusions. Just got to wait a month until we do the u/s and see the bloodwork results.
Next step on the list: telling my parents. We want to tell them in person, maybe as soon as this next weekend. Now I just gotta prepare myself for the possibility of my mom asking stupid questions about IVF or my dad asking stuff like "have you been tithing?" or "this is because you married someone who's not a Christian."
DH had already planned to tell his parents, so after we got home he called them. I tried listening to what English I could pick up from the conversation, but ended up falling asleep. I guess he was on the phone with them for a couple hours because he woke me up at 12:30. He said his parents were ok, his mom cried a little bit and said "I don't want anything else, just get a kid as soon as you can." (Um...ok....we'll see what we can do...)
He also found out/was reminded about some distant male relatives who never had children. But his parents told him there was nobody they knew of in their family who ever had cystic fibrosis or any lung problems for that matter. I know there is still a possibility of him carrying the gene, but the URA (unilateral renal agenesis) explanation is starting to seem more likely. From what I have read, a fetus's kidneys and ureters develop at the same time as the vas deferens, so that would explain why missing vas deferens would be related to a missing kidney. Also, adults who have URA tend to develop high blood pressure. Almost all of DH's relatives (on both sides of the family) have HBP. Hmmm. Ok I know, I shouldn't jump to any conclusions. Just got to wait a month until we do the u/s and see the bloodwork results.
Next step on the list: telling my parents. We want to tell them in person, maybe as soon as this next weekend. Now I just gotta prepare myself for the possibility of my mom asking stupid questions about IVF or my dad asking stuff like "have you been tithing?" or "this is because you married someone who's not a Christian."
Monday, January 11, 2010
No Plumber Necessary
So today was our long-anticipated initial appointment with the urologist. We went in expecting it to be just a consultation, probably he'll just order some bloodwork and we'll wait a few days to hear that, right? Well it turns out we have made another huge discovery today, which is kinda good and kinda bad.
Of course, we had to start with ALLLLL the paperwork. Then the doctor came in and asked us about our reproductive history, any family history that we know of, yada yada. Then the fun part when DH got to drop his pants. So the dr. is feeling around for a while, then asks DH to lay down. All the while he is feeling him up, he again asks DH if he is sure there wasn't anyone in his family who had difficulty conceiving, and if he is sure that nobody in his family had cystic fibrosis...
You know what's coming next, don't you?
After DH is re-clothed, the dr. started drawing a diagram of what the typical male reproductive system looks like. Then goes on to tell DH that HE WAS BORN WITHOUT THE VAS DEFERENS ON EITHER SIDE(???!!!!) If you're wondering what the heck are vas deferens- those are the tubes that transport sperm from the epididymis to the urethra.
I'm going SERIOUSLY? You can tell that just by feeling aroud his balls? (Dang if only I'd known how to look for 'em maybe I could've figured that out already LOL)
Now the good news is the dr. says everything else feels fine and most likely he is producing healthy sperm that they could retrieve for IVF. The bad news: absence of the vas deferens is usually caused by a mutation in the gene code if he is carrying the gene for cystic fibrosis. Actually, I don't know that there's anything else that would cause that unless he is carrying that gene.
So of course, he had bloodwork ordered: testosterone, FSH, & LH, and of course testing for that CF gene. The doctor also ordered to do a renal ultrasound next month because there could also be a possibility that DH has only one kidney (???!!!)
Mentally, we are both feeling a lot better now knowing the cause. There could still be some tough decisions ahead of us if DH has the gene. When we first started seeing the RE, they did some genetic testing so I know I don't carry th gene. If he has it, and we have kids, they will not have CF, but there will be a good chance they could be carrying the gene. It's a pretty big ethical decision to make. Let's see what happens.
Of course, we had to start with ALLLLL the paperwork. Then the doctor came in and asked us about our reproductive history, any family history that we know of, yada yada. Then the fun part when DH got to drop his pants. So the dr. is feeling around for a while, then asks DH to lay down. All the while he is feeling him up, he again asks DH if he is sure there wasn't anyone in his family who had difficulty conceiving, and if he is sure that nobody in his family had cystic fibrosis...
You know what's coming next, don't you?
After DH is re-clothed, the dr. started drawing a diagram of what the typical male reproductive system looks like. Then goes on to tell DH that HE WAS BORN WITHOUT THE VAS DEFERENS ON EITHER SIDE(???!!!!) If you're wondering what the heck are vas deferens- those are the tubes that transport sperm from the epididymis to the urethra.
I'm going SERIOUSLY? You can tell that just by feeling aroud his balls? (Dang if only I'd known how to look for 'em maybe I could've figured that out already LOL)
Now the good news is the dr. says everything else feels fine and most likely he is producing healthy sperm that they could retrieve for IVF. The bad news: absence of the vas deferens is usually caused by a mutation in the gene code if he is carrying the gene for cystic fibrosis. Actually, I don't know that there's anything else that would cause that unless he is carrying that gene.
So of course, he had bloodwork ordered: testosterone, FSH, & LH, and of course testing for that CF gene. The doctor also ordered to do a renal ultrasound next month because there could also be a possibility that DH has only one kidney (???!!!)
Mentally, we are both feeling a lot better now knowing the cause. There could still be some tough decisions ahead of us if DH has the gene. When we first started seeing the RE, they did some genetic testing so I know I don't carry th gene. If he has it, and we have kids, they will not have CF, but there will be a good chance they could be carrying the gene. It's a pretty big ethical decision to make. Let's see what happens.
Friday, January 8, 2010
J-Lo no-no
So I was just sitting here at home browsing Facebook when I saw one of my friends posted a link to his blog. His blog posted a link to this site. My friend then went on to applaud J-Lo for recognizing the true Author and Creator of Life.
My response: Of course anybody would "prefer" the "natural method" of conceiving if it was possible for them. If a man or woman has a condition preventing them from conceiving through "natural methods," it is not necessarily God's way of divinely sterilizing them. God is still the Creator of life when sperm meets egg, regardless of whether it gets there "naturally" or in a petri dish.
Now I suppose in light of the plot of her new movie ("The Back-Up Plan") one can appreciate her decision IRL to not pursue IVF because of "not finding Mr. Right yet." Maybe she didn't mean it as a judgemental comment, but it's just so funny how someone who has no trouble getting pregnant can say of those who can't, that it's "not meant to be."
My response: Of course anybody would "prefer" the "natural method" of conceiving if it was possible for them. If a man or woman has a condition preventing them from conceiving through "natural methods," it is not necessarily God's way of divinely sterilizing them. God is still the Creator of life when sperm meets egg, regardless of whether it gets there "naturally" or in a petri dish.
Now I suppose in light of the plot of her new movie ("The Back-Up Plan") one can appreciate her decision IRL to not pursue IVF because of "not finding Mr. Right yet." Maybe she didn't mean it as a judgemental comment, but it's just so funny how someone who has no trouble getting pregnant can say of those who can't, that it's "not meant to be."
Monday, January 4, 2010
One more week
Finally. One more week until we start to get SOME answers. I am so tired of waiting with this diagnosis and not knowing what is causing it or if it can be fixed. These past few months I have been trying to get my mind prepared (as much as possible) for any possibility, but I know it will still be hard. I don't want to get my hopes up only to have a major let-down....again.
DH still doesn't want to tell his parents or mine. He says we shouldn't have to "answer" to anybody. I wish he would understand that I would like to have the support and prayers of my family. Maybe he will be ready to tell them if we find out he needs to have a biopsy. Let's see how this goes....
DH still doesn't want to tell his parents or mine. He says we shouldn't have to "answer" to anybody. I wish he would understand that I would like to have the support and prayers of my family. Maybe he will be ready to tell them if we find out he needs to have a biopsy. Let's see how this goes....
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