Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Bibliography of ASSVICE!!!

Here comes a fun post full of the most ridiculous ASSVICE I've gotten from various people within the last year or so.  Partly because I'm bored.  Partly because I'm a little PMS-y.  But mostly because some of this stuff is too hilariously stupid not to share:

First of all, I got a lot of stupid assvice, comments, and questions regarding the move to LA

Source #1: Nosy co-worker
Co-worker: I heard you might be leaving after this year....
Me: Yes.  My husband got into grad school in LA so we are moving.
Co-worker: Oh! Well I guess if you wanna stay married, then that's what you gotta do.
Wow.  I didn't know a spouse's education/career change was grounds to consider divorce.

Source #2: Sweet little old lady at church
"Don't let the liberals out there getcha."
Good idea.  I just know those dang liberals are hiding in the dark alleys, waiting to mug me for more tax money.

I also got the:  "Are there any Baptist churches in LA?"
Yes, there are actually Baptists in a city with a population of more than 4 million people.  But they all meet in secret underground passageways because they're hiding from the liberals.

Source #3: my mom 
I'm telling you, for some one who has never lived here, she says some of the dumbest things sometimes....such as:
"Well you know, everything is mañana in California."
What.....what does that even mean?? Mañana means tomorrow. Everything is tomorrow? What?

Or how about "You mean they let [DH]'s car into California?"
Well actually we had to smuggle DH's perfectly fine honda into a oversized coffin for 24 hours while we crossed the California state border.

I couldn't even tell her about all the cool ethnic restaurants around and eating Cuban food without her making some comment about countries where people rebel against the government......Seriously??? It's just FOOD and your political views are severely warped.

How about ASSVICE on marriage?:

Source #4: rude co-worker (who has been divorced at least 2 or 3 times, gets into a new relationship every year and almost gets married, then calls it off)
"Well if I haven't taught you anything else, you listen to this: You better get a separate bank account only in your name, don't tell anybody you have this, and every month put away $50 dollars into the account.  This is for EMERGENCIES, in case you need to get out because [DH] starts beatin' up on you."
What a great idea.  Because when I fell in love and took those vows I thought "hmm, now here's a guy I can't trust and who doesn't love me so much that he wouldn't dare to lay a finger on me.  But what the heck, I'll marry him anyway cuz I'm lonely." And by the way this tip you call "advice," in the real world is called "financial infidelity" and it's why you can't get your own relationships to work out.

Source #5: big sister (who is very selfish & immature, thinks she's an expert on marriage just because she has a boyfriend, and has made it very clear that she does not want children and pretty much thinks anyone who wants to get pregnant is stupid)
Sister: When you get married, your primarily responsibility is to your husband.  That means if your husband had a bad day at work and he comes home and the kids are running around screaming, you send them to their room and take care of your husband first.
Mom: Well you just don't know the cold hard reality 
Me: Yeah.  What if you have an infant? You can't just "send him to his room"
That's right, stereotypical wives and stay-at-home-moms of the world.  You better put down that hungry nursing baby and give your stereotypical breadwinner husband his bottle.

And then, of course, there's our all-time favorite: the getting pregnant/infertility ASSVICE:

Source #6: head midwife at the medical center (this is when I was still living in my world of ignorance is bliss, and was so sure I'd be pregnant any time now so I better start researching my birthing options)
Me: (wrapping up the consultation) BTW do you have any tips on getting pregnant?
Midwife: Well how long have you been trying?
Me: About 5 months.....
Midwife: (all-knowing smirk on face) Just take it easy, relax, don't think too much about it.  I guarantee you.  
Too bad there was no money-back on that guarantee.  But then again it was a free consultation.  Still, if I had a dollar for each time I've heard "just relax" I just might have enough money for IVF

Source #7: neurologist (a DOCTOR for crying out loud...keep in mind the whole reason I started seeing him was to get off the meds so I could safely get pregnant, and this conversation was just before we found out about CBAVD)
Neurologist: Are you still trying to get pregnant?
Me: ......we can't get pregnant.  My husband doesn't have any sperm. (the end)
Neurologist: Well you know, all is takes is just one to go "SHOOOOOOOOO" (making rocket-ship motion).  Well I'll see you back here in 6 months.
Yes, I can see it now in the Twilight Zone: "Hello? Hello? Well I guess I'm the only sperm left." (tail snaps off)  "No....that's not fair....there was....SPACE now....there was all the space I needed....THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!!" 

And perhaps the most absurd of all:
Source #8: nurse/former co-worker 
Nurse: So are you still taking the Depakote?
Me: Oh no, I've been off of that over a year
Nurse: Oh good.  So now just watch you'll probably get pregnant before you know it.
Me:.....not exactly...
Nurse: No?
Me: My husband was born without either of his "tubes" so the only possible way we could possibly get pregnant is through in-vitro.
You're a nurse.  You understand, right?
Nurse: Ohhh......Well don't be surprised if something happens one day. heehee.  I'm telling you I've seen these things happen! hahaha! What's it called? vans defens? I'm telling you I've seen things happen!  Cuz it only takes one, JUST ONE! teeheehee! You know cuz it's trapped in there it only takes one it's gonna go crazy! It's gonna go CRAZY I tell you! teeheehee! Just watch, don't be surprised.  You're gonna be one of those people on those TV shows that goes "What? How did it happen?"  And I'm gonna be laughin and goin "AH HA HA! See I told her!" Just watch it only takes one of em to go crazy and find a way!
.......And I have no words.  I guess I just need to hope for a miraculous conception so I can be on Good Morning America....

Well I hope everyone got a good little chuckle or two.  People sure say the *darndest* things


  1. Oh man, those are some good bits. People are great.

    You really better watch out for all the liberals coming to get you in a state with a republican governor that voted to ban gay marriage last November.

    Please let me know if those sperm find a way to magically teleport out. You could make a lot of money from that!

  2. Nice Collection. Although - speaking of space - I bet a transporter (a la Star Trek) would be a lot pleasant than "going to the source" (my DH's euphemism)

  3. hehe - these had me laughing out loud and receiving funny looks from my husband. love your good humor!