Saturday, November 21, 2009

What not to ask

I had a lot of fun last night and today spending time with my nephew.  This morning, my brother asked him how old he is now and he says, "I'm terrible....3!"  Too funny!  He's always being goofy and brightens my day. was mom had to go and piss me off.  After the birthday party we all went back to my bro & SIL's house and were just trying to relax.  And my mom just flat out says, "So Ruth, this is your 3rd year teaching.  After this year, are you going to get pregnant?"  >:(  No matter how many times you try to "rehearse" a response in your head, the emotions take over.  I was so pissed and just snapped,
"That's a personal question mom, you don't ask this kinda stuff!"
"But I'm your mother"  (!)
"That doesn't matter, it's a personal question!" And I made my escape to the bathroom.  And she's saying something like "Well, I wasn't the one who said...."  I don't know what she was trying to say that I've said.  Thank God for my brother for interjecting and telling her to just stop and leave it alone.  Maybe I shouldn't have been so....mean about it.  But I just knew it was coming.  Every time I see my mom she has to randomly bring up baby or pregnancy stuff and I have to try to politely get her to change the subject.  And I am not ready to tell her about IF/azoo, not until at least we know what's gonna happen.  Because for one thing, I know she will tell everybody about it when I don't want the whole world to know.  And then she will be constantly trying to give us her (usually very unhelpful and rude) advice. 
(WARNING: EXTREMELY bitchy rant coming up next)
I know everyone who has gone through/is going through IF has the pain in the butt of dealing with people asking stupid questions.  I don't know what it is making me feel so agitated today.  If you are reading this and you have ever been one of those people that asks somebody "When are you gonna start having kids?"  or especially a random "Are you pregnant?"  Maybe you think you're just having an innocent conversation, but please: DON'T ASK!  Regardless of who it is you're talking to, because:
  1. It's none of your business!!  If they want to tell you about their personal life, they will tell you
  2. Have you ever stopped to think just how stupid such a question is in the first place?  "When are you gonna *start* having kids?" Or in my mom's case "Are you gonna get pregnant after this year?"  Like anybody, IF sufferer or not, can tell you when they're going to conceive like the weather forecast?  As much as people would like to think it's as easy as just having unprotected sex, we DON'T have control over what happens.  So ask a stupid question, expect a stupid answer.  And,
  3. If the first 2 reasons weren't good enough, you may not know the circumstances surrounding the person you're talking to.  Maybe they haven't really thought about having kids and think nothing of such a question.  But maybe they really want to have kids but know it's not their time to "try" yet.  Or maybe they are trying and it hasn't happened yet.  Or maybe they just found out they have serious IF issues and need treatment.  Maybe they had or keep having miscarriages.  When you ask them that question, to them it's like you're implying that they must not want children and need to *start having kids* when it's the exact opposite case.  Or if it's a friend you know that is dealing with IF, please don't be that person that keeps asking "So are you pregnant yet?"  It only makes the pain worse. I feel a little bit better after all my bitching.  I hope I have not offended anybody who reads this.  Bottom line, I just wish everybody could understand there are some things you just should not ask about unless given an open invitation to discuss it.


  1. Yes, that question always gets me, even if I plan in advance what to say. It's like it freezes me. Sorry your mom has been adding to your pain.

  2. This may make me sound like an evil hag but in response to the "When are you going to get pregnant" question I usually pop off "I already have been...twice actually". Yea I do think it's kind of a rude comment...BUT if someone is going to be rude and ask such a question without taking other forces into consideration, then I don't really think I should try to sugar coat it for them. I have made peace with the fact I have miscarried twice so maybe it's easier for me to retort in such a way. I also kind of look at it as since I am at peace and am a very outspoken person, maybe me answering that way will teach this person to think before they ask the question of someone who hasn't recovered from the news yet. Wow....novel sorry :)

  3. I'm so sorry your mom is adding to your pain like this and I agree...all of those questions are so so personal. Any questions about getting married, TTC, PG and babies are so personal for everybody. I'm sorry that she won't be a source of support for you during this journey. Hugs!

  4. I don't think there's ever a "good" way to answer. I know I always have to work to not sound kinda bitter. But after a while, you just get tired of being asked.

    I'm sorry your mom has been nosing around. Families are sometimes the worst, because they think it is their business.