Friday, November 13, 2009

Me in the Corner

I've been feeling particularly down in the dumps these last few days.  It's probably all these raging hormones since AF finally showed up after 43 days.  This is the first time that instead of feeling sad when AF shows up, I just feel extremely bitter.  Bitter knowing that this time around (and any time before) we never even got a chance to "try" like most couples do.  And I'm becoming more and more skeptic that we will ever get a chance at having our own all.
Lately, I don't even feel like being around people anymore.  I feel so separated and awkward, even though most people in real life don't know what's going on with us.  For some reason at work I am fine, but everywhere else I go I am constantly reminded of the harsh reality that is my life.  It's probably because most people in my small circle of friends have kids or are pregnant, and it just hurts knowing that many of these people take their blessings for granted without realizing it.  But I feel I can't really open up to them and receive any understanding.  How can you be understanding, or why should I expect you to "be there for me" if you never have and never will experience the pain I am going through?  I know there are good supportive "fertile" people out there.  But I feel I can't go certain places, even when I'm feeling positive and happy, without becoming the awkward one, the outcast, the "downer." 
The bad thing is my church is one of these places.  Going to church and being around other Christian people used to really lift my spirits.  I haven't even told anyone at church about IF, never even told people there that DH and I had been TTC.  But for some reason lately when I go, I feel like I am somehow being judged by those around me.  Maybe there's been a change in my persona or my attitude that needs working on.  If so, that will take some time.  Right now I think I just need a little break from "people" until I'm ready to handle these awkward situations.


  1. Oh Ruth. ((hugs)) I went through exactly the same thing, as did many other people.

    Take the break. Take the time you need. You should read yesterday's post on grief if you haven't yet.

    Be good to yourself and do what makes you feel good. Take care.

  2. I think that is completely normal. IF is something that can make us feel like we are to blame and we are the outcasts, when that is not true at all. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself during this time.

  3. Ruth, it's definitely a hard transition from "it could happen" to "it's not gonna happen without a LOT of help". But I definitely agree that you have to protect and take care of yourself first and foremost. I'm only a few steps ahead of you on the azoo road, and there are days when it hits me over the head and the pain feels brand new.

    (BTW, you know me as AlisonTalking over on IV, my blog is

  4. Hi. I came over from LFCA.

    I get it, on the faith community thing -- I (basically) left mine when ttc and have only recently returned (now 3.5 years after a successful IVF, and about 7 after starting). I'm so sorry you're in the same place; it's difficult to lose that support at a time when it's so needed.

    I don't know if this is helpful or not, as our source of male factor problems was different and perhaps unpleasantly so -- my hubby had had a vasectomy (the reversal for which failed), so we did know the why and he had chosen it, albeit in a very different context from the one in which we were ttc. But for whatever it might be worth, if they can find sperm, they can generally use them, with IVF + ICSI -- even if they're really "messed up" (vasectomies basically cut off the development of the sperm at a very early stage, so they're very immature and would be useless without ICSI). Good luck to you as you pursue your journey toward parenthood.

  5. Just wanted to throw some support to both you and your significant other. My wife and I have been trudging down the IF road for over a year now (I have Azoo, she has PCOS). We have had our share of ups and downs and ups and downs and are in the midst of the two week wait following our first IUI cycle using Donor Sperm. She and I have both blogged our experiences ( and and would be happy to answer any questions you might have. Good luck and take the time you need to do whats right for both of you.


  6. Hi Ruthie,
    Welcome to the blogosphere! I can relate to what you are going through - my husband was dx with non-obstructive azoo about five years ago. We've been through a lot, but happily found about 20 sperm and were able to have a successful IVF/ICSI cycle (due next month). We also worked with a known donor as a backup for donor sperm. If you want to read our story, it's all on my blog.

    I'm sorry, I know how difficult it can be. Just remember to communicate with each other as much as you can, and hang in there even when things get really tough. Good luck to you, and if you have any questions, just let me know!
    Betsy, Its A Zoo Around Here