I've been feeling particularly down in the dumps these last few days. It's probably all these raging hormones since AF finally showed up after 43 days. This is the first time that instead of feeling sad when AF shows up, I just feel extremely bitter. Bitter knowing that this time around (and any time before) we never even got a chance to "try" like most couples do. And I'm becoming more and more skeptic that we will ever get a chance at having our own child....at all.
Lately, I don't even feel like being around people anymore. I feel so separated and awkward, even though most people in real life don't know what's going on with us. For some reason at work I am fine, but everywhere else I go I am constantly reminded of the harsh reality that is my life. It's probably because most people in my small circle of friends have kids or are pregnant, and it just hurts knowing that many of these people take their blessings for granted without realizing it. But I feel I can't really open up to them and receive any understanding. How can you be understanding, or why should I expect you to "be there for me" if you never have and never will experience the pain I am going through? I know there are good supportive "fertile" people out there. But I feel I can't go certain places, even when I'm feeling positive and happy, without becoming the awkward one, the outcast, the "downer."
The bad thing is my church is one of these places. Going to church and being around other Christian people used to really lift my spirits. I haven't even told anyone at church about IF, never even told people there that DH and I had been TTC. But for some reason lately when I go, I feel like I am somehow being judged by those around me. Maybe there's been a change in my persona or my attitude that needs working on. If so, that will take some time. Right now I think I just need a little break from "people" until I'm ready to handle these awkward situations.