Expectations

Ok so I'm still not quite over the surreality of this big move we're about to make in less than 2 months.  It probably won't feel real until we're driving across the country with our bags packed.  But the more I pack and the more I search for jobs and apartments, the more I get to thinking "Holy crap! I'm actually going to be living here, living out of Oklahoma for the first time in my life!"
Lots of mixed emotions with that.  Yeah I've been living "on my own" since I was 18, but only about 90 miles away from home.  And I've got nothing on DH, moving halfway across the globe and completely on his own when he moved here.  At least I've got somebody to be with, but this is going to be one of the biggest changes in my life.  Some days I'm feeling really excited about it.  Other days it gets me down in the dumps.

I decided to make a list of my expectations of our new home, the pros and cons.  (Some things obviously will be more about our housing situation than the general culture/atmosphere of the area).  Then after we get settled in, I'll see what I was right about, what I miss, and what I never expected. So here we go:

WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO:

• The beautiful weather out there. And walking on the beach.  No more tornados, hailstorms, or bipolar Oklahoma weather.
• That feeling of "starting fresh" when you move into a new apartment.  Getting rid of old/unneeded furniture/decor and getting to redecorate (little by little, as finances will allow, of course).  
• FOOD: fresh produce, fresh fish, more culturally diverse groceries and restaurants, etc. (We can't wait to eat at The Stinking Rose again. Mmmmmmm)
• Much more interesting variety of "where to go," "things to do," and "places to see" when we're bored.
• Meeting new people. Getting acquainted with a new culture in general.
• Getting to see how DH's career develops in an awesome location.

WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO:

• DRIVING! I have NO IDEA how to drive on the highways out there.  Hopefully I can find a job close enough that I can just take the city streets because I'm so scared I'm gonna wreck the car on my very first attempt to merge and/or change lanes on the freeway.  The driving *rules* are so different out there, but I'll have to learn.
• The extremely expensive cost of living.
• I suppose I'll be trading Oklahoma tornados for California earthquakes.  And you can't prepare for earthquakes.  But maybe it won't be so bad.
• The crammed/congested feeling of the city.  I guess I am somewhat of a country girl at heart, wanting *wide open spaces.* Even as I search for apartments I'm wondering what the heck we're going to do with 2 cars, as all the places only allow for 1 parking space (if even that).  
• Having to use the *apartment laundromat.*  I've come to grips with the fact that I won't be able to do laundry whenever I want in the comfort of my own home, but I don't like it.  I've had bad experiences in the past. Hopefully the apt we get will have the laundromat in a convenient location and not where we have to walk far far away to get there.  
• I have this feeling that I'm really gonna stick out like a sore thumb wherever I go.  I don't usually care so much about "fitting in" and I couldn't care less about all the Hollywood glam.  I just hate being somewhere new and feeling clueless about everything.  There are probably some cultural/lifestyle differences between Okies & Californians that I don't even know exist that will throw me off.
• Feeling alone.  Of course DH is right there with me, but I'm really gonna miss my family, especially my bro, SIL, & nephew.  Starting over with making new friends, I don't even know where to begin.  Plus DH's school schedule for the 1st semester is apparently really hectic, so I'll probably be crying myself to sleep for a while.  

Ok there's my *list.*  I'll revisit this in a few months and see how my feelings and expectations of the new home have changed.

And yet, another reason to hate insurance companies

DH got an e-mail from the new school, explaining enrolling procedures, registration fees, yada yada. AND it mentioned the student health insurance plan that's included in the registration fees, unless we waive it.

So being a "student health insurance" I figured it's gotta be pretty limited on coverage, on what is considered a medical necessity.  Of course infertility won't be covered.

Looking through the list of benefits:

Elective abortion: covered.   Well yeah, insurance companies don't want to pay for another human being.  No surprise there.

Transgender surgery: covered.  What? Really?  Oh are CA insurance companies really going to be accepting of people's differences?  Surely the infertile won't be overshadowed now- where does it mention infertility?

Oh here it is.....under "Exclusions & Limitations".
ABSOLUTELY NO BENEFITS PAID FOR:

Reproductive/Infertility services including but not limited to: family planning; fertility 

tests; infertility (male or female), including any services or supplies rendered for the 

purpose or with the intent of inducing conception; premarital examinations; impotence, 

organic or otherwise; reversal of sterilization procedures

Fuck.

The stash

Today I have this horrible sinus headache, plus itchy nose/sneezing.  I'm going through all my OTC meds, trying to find something to help me out....

And I come across my long lost secret stash.  You know: the prenatals, the Omega-3 fish oil, the EPO, the B6, the fertility blend (for women AND for men)..... All those things that were supposed to magically help me get pregnant.  Ha.

Anyone need some pre-seed?

New Favorite Proverb

Ok, I know it.  I've been a bad blogger.  I didn't mean to leave the blog hanging with my anger at insurance companies.  I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but just kept putting it off, trying to figure out just how I wanted to say this.  Afraid of just rambling and not making any sense.

And while I've put it off, a lot has happened.  DH got accepted into the grad school he wanted, so we're definitely planning out this exciting move to California, and know exactly what location to aim for in the job/apt hunt.  We are both so blessed to have this opportunity for something new in our lives....

Yet....

There is still an emptiness, a longing inside of me.  And people all around me tend to minimize it.  For example, recently at my workplace, they threw a baby shower for several new moms.  And I let a close co-worker (not a "new mom") know that I was getting some gifts, but that I don't think I'm ready for baby showers again yet.  To which her words of comfort are: "You couldn't do what you're doing right now (moving to a new state) if you were pregnant."  Of course not.  And yes it's nice to not have to worry about  anything happening at an inconvenient time.  But what wouldn't I give for DH and I to BE ABLE TO conceive even "accidentally."

And then there's Facebook, ever faithful in reminding me of what I don't have.  What I can't have without a LOT of intervention (and $$$).  What I may never have if those interventions do not work.  Announcements seem to pop up unexpectedly everywhere.  Oh hey, there's that long-time-ago friend.  Wonder how she's doin n-....wonder why she's asking for a good newborn photographer.... How is so&so nowadays?....oh....it's a boy....

And with that comes the huge wave of guilt.  The why am I so upset over a friend's huge blessing?  Why do I feel so empty when I have so much?


That's what brings me to my new favorite Proverb:

(But first, a mini-pitch): In what little spare time I have, I've been reading The Infertiliy Companion, by Sandra L. Glahn, Th. M. & William R. Cutrer, M.D.  I found this book in the Christian Inspiration section at a bookstore, and so far I just love it.  I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a good read on IF from a Christian perspective.

Anyway, I was reading the chapter on "The Spiritual Struggle," where the author was discussing the often-quoted "fertility" verses that get pulled out of context.  You know, the "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child" (Isaiah 54:1) or "[a woman] will be saved through childbearing..." (I Tim. 2:15).
Then it pointed out one of the least-quoted "infertility" passages:

The leech has two daughters-
Give and Give!
There are three things that are never satisfied,
Four never say, "Enough!":
The grave,
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water-
And the fire that never says, "Enough!"

-Proverbs 30:15-16 (NKJV)

Now I think it's easy for most people to focus on the negative aspect of this proverb concerning the leeches' greed, especially when it's talking about wildfires and death.  But we as IFers can see another meaning to this:
Four NATURAL forces (not necessarily evil) created by God are described in parallel to each other, INCLUDING the cry of the barren womb.  We are created to desire children, and the emptiness we feel when we don't have a child is just as natural and inevitable as the need for the earth to drink up rainwater to be fruitful.

So when I hurt for what I don't have, or when I begin to fear that I never will have, I find peace and comfort in this verse.  Knowing that it is perfectly OK to feel this way, because it's how I have been created.  And knowing that if our IVF procedures don't work out in the future, it has to be for a greater purpose.

**** you, BCBS!

DH just got this copy of a letter from his insurance company in the mail today:

"Dear Board of Regents:

In reviewing the claims for this patient, we found that a payment was made to you....of $156.36.  However, we have determined that these services were for a preexisting condition, and under the patient's benefit plan, benefits are not available.  If we do not receive the overpayment of $156.36 within 30 days..." yada yada yada

NO SHIT IT"S A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION! HE WAS FUCKING BORN THAT WAY!

We're now looking at having to pay at least $750 for ONE appointment. DH is calling first thing Monday morning and canceling the insurance. If this is the shit we have to go through for a few piddly little blood tests, I am not looking forward to IVF.

Not like "Obamacare" is gonna help any with fertility treatments.

To the flag....

Exciting news today: DH passed his citizenship test!!!

Not like it was hard or anything (although I'm sure quite a few natural-born citizens may even miss some of the easiest questions...)   But the whole process of getting PR status had been quite a journey, and now he's made it to citizen; it feels great to put these worries behind us now.

DH was a little bit sad about having to "give up" his home country, as the U.S. does not recognize dual citizenship.  That means he will now have to get a visa when he goes back to visit his own family.  How weird is that?

Maybe it's better

The other day we got DH's insurance "EOB" in the mail.  And gee wouldn't you know, practically NOTHING was covered.  So we may owe over $500.  What's the point of insurance then?  Now these are all for the lab services on Jan 11th.  Can't wait to see what they try to do about the renal u/s visit.  If they try to not cover that I will be raising some hell.  Can you imagine if someone actually is born with only one kidney, and their insurance wouldn't want to pay for any treatment cuz it's a "pre-existing condition?"  Well no shit.  Stupid insurance.

So maybe it's good that we won't be doing the MESA here cuz this insurance sucks ass.  But then again, it may not be any better in California.  I read online about some states that have "mandatory infertility coverage" but from what I see there's still no guarantee.

On a positive note, DH is flying back in from CA tonight.  I missed him a lot this weekend.