Baby Blues ain't no joke

May 7th.

Today was supposed to be my "due date."  Yet, here I am 12 days into motherhood.  And absolutely loving it!

But....

I have definitely been battling the "baby blues" these last couple weeks.  I never really understood reading other mom blogs when they said they missed being pregnant, but I am so there.  The first time in the hospital that I actually took a moment to look at and touch my post-baby belly, I didn't know just what to think of this flatter-yet-flabby-stomach.

But the hospital was kind of like a "honeymoon."  Some other-worldly place.  Coming home is when it started to feel weird.  When I got in my bed and realized for the first time that I was able to lie down on my back or tummy again, I started tearing up.  DH came in the room to say he wanted to go to the store and buy a tray so he can serve me dinner in bed.  (Um, taking his take-care-of-the-momma role a little too seriously, no?) I told him no, that's a waste of money, as I tried to hold back my tears.  Then he said, "Are you crying? You really don't want me to buy a tray, huh?"  This led to a bout of hysterical laughing and crying at the same time.  I told him I was just hormonal.

That night I started crying again when DH and I laid down in bed and held each other.  Face to face.  Without a big belly between us.  I just started bawling and told him how it was weird, but I was really missing being pregnant.  I was sad that he missed 7 weeks of it.  I was sad that we didn't get to take any maternity pics of us together.  I was even sad about one cute little maternity dress with the tag still on it that I never got to wear.  "It's like the wedding blues, only 10 times more," I said.  He said he understands.  And then said that he's having the "shooting blues."  He gets a little sad that he's finished filming his movie...  Um....ok, not exactly the same thing but at least he is trying to be comforting and at least he makes me laugh.

I'm not feeling quite as "hormonal" anymore but definitely still get the waterworks going a little bit now and then.   The other day I went out to run a quick errand while I left Anu at home with DH, and it was weird realizing that was the first time I was driving without Anu with me.  Without him hearing me sing along to the radio (or yell at other drivers on the road).  It's so weird that even though I get to see him and hold him in my arms now, I miss feeling him get his groove on whenever I'd listen to Erykah.Badu or kicking me in the ribs whenever I'd eat ice cream.

I now totally get why other moms say that as soon as they have their baby, they are ready for baby #2.  But I don't know if we'll get to have baby #2.  Or I guess I should say pregnancy #2.  We still have our 3 frozen embies, but of course there are no guarantees.  I get a little depressed whenever I look in the closet because I know pretty soon I'll be putting all these maternity clothes away and I don't know if I'll be putting them away for good.

Still, I'm trying to find all the positive in things.  I've never had a problem with my body image or been self-conscious about gaining weight during pregnancy (I didn't gain much anyway).  But sometimes I do look in the mirror and enjoy seeing my slimmer-than-pregnant self.  DH tells me I'm already getting my booty back lol. Also, it sounds strange but now whenever I hug DH it's like I feel a new kind of intimacy with him.  Don't know how to explain it.  But it has me looking forward to being able to GOFO again...whenever that will be.