Hooray for Healthy Uterus!

I went in for the sonohysterogram on Thursday.  Everything looks great and ready to move forward!

Gotta say, the procedure was a *bit* painful/uncomfortable.  As soon as he put the catheter in I instantly got really crampy and sweaty and feeling very impatient, wanting to get up and move around already.  I was thinking to myself "Oh crap, what am I getting myself into if I can't even stand just this one little thing?"  


So the plan for now is:  we are going to Bangladesh for a month, and I will continue the BC there.  Dr. wants me to call as soon as we get back, and then start on Lupron, and then start stims.  He was a little concerned that our urologist may be out of town at the very end of August, so we're hoping the timeline will work out perfectly.  

I'm starting to actually get excited about this, like holy moly this is really gonna happen!

Change of plans

So it turns out, we will not start cycling at the end of June....

Remember back in August when I was contemplating whether or not we should put off IVF and visit DH's parents?  Well recently, DH had been bringing the idea up again, or rather, trying to see if there was any way that we can do both this summer.  Particularly because both of his parents are not in great health right now, and as he hasn't seen them in over 3 years (and I have yet to meet them in person).
Last week, we found out DH's dad has a prostate tumor, and will be getting a biopsy this week.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it, we are going to fly out there to be with them through the operation and to help them out.  We'll be leaving pretty much as soon as school gets out in a few weeks, and will be there about a month.  So this past week has been full of hectic planning and trying to get our emergency passports and visas.
I'm excited that this will be my very first time out of the country, and that I finally will get to meet DH's family.  But the circumstances just suck.  I wish this didn't have to be the reason we were going.

DH is determined that we will be able to still do IVF after we come back.  I'm hoping we can....we had all the money saved for the procedure, and have somebody who was going to be helping us out with the cost of meds and having something for back-up.  But this trip is taking a good chunk out of our savings of course.
On the one hand, I can't bear to think of waiting any longer.  But on the other hand, I'm still trying to be as realistic as I can about this.

In the meantime, IVF-wise, we'll still procede as if it will happen.  I called the RE to see if we can do the SHG before we leave.  I should be getting AF this week, so he says to start my last pack of BC on the 3rd day, then call to schedule the SHG 2 weeks later.  And when I come in, let him know how long I'll be gone.  He says "I can go ahead and start you on Lupron, and I can manipulate your cycle any way I need to."
Boy that sounds scary...

Documentary trailer and more updates

The other day I happened to stumble across this video on youtube:

This looks like it will be a really awesome infertility awareness documentary! Another cool thing is that one of our doctors is one of the experts in this film.  It's great to know we're in an area where we have these doctors who are real leaders in this field!


In other news: My 100-panel CF screening was negative. Hooray! Plus the glucose test was normal so I don't have to think about taking Metformin.  Yippee! The Dr. did however recommend I repeat glucose tests every 2 years to monitor my health.  Makes sense to be on the safe side, as my dad developed type 2 diabetes and I have a sister with hypoglycemia.  So I get to look forward to more good times downing a bottle of what tastes like orange gatorade with a buttload of sugar in it.  It's cool, I've done worse....

So it looks like we should be able to cycle the very end of June/beginning of July.  Dr. wants me to do a sonohysterogram about a month before.  (Dear insurance, please cover it).  And there's the financial stress on top of our prior plans for the summer.....but that is a post for another time.

Step 2

I guess I had better quit putting this post off and give the blog world an update before too much time goes by ;)


Anyway, our visit with the urologist last month went great.  Only thing is we found out DH also has "incomplete" epididymis on both sides, which is I guess pretty common with CBAVD so not a big deal.  Also, he was not satisfied with our previous genetic screenings, as DH was only screened for 36 panels of CF, so he wanted ME to do at least a 90 panel one. (We were told "there's no way to test for all strands,"  but apparently there's tests for a hell of a lot more than 36 panels so go figure)

The urologist referred us to an RE that he works with a lot, and who would do the egg retrieval in the same OR, but we have to drive out to the valley for all office visits. (Just about a 30-minute drive though, so not too bad).  We had our initial visit with the RE this past Thursday to review our conditions and discuss a plan.  Strangely enough, whereas my previous RE did not think that I met the criteria for PCOS, this guy highly suspects that I do based on my history of irregular/ no ovulation and a slightly high testosterone level.  Once again, go figure.  Of course, PCOS is much less significant when your partner has CBAVD, but his concern is that it puts me at a higher risk for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome during the IVF process.  (Yikes!) So he wants me to come in next week for a glucose tolerance test to consider putting me on Metformin.  Ai-yi-yi. 

And he also wrote a prescription for me to go ahead and start on BC so that we'll be ready by June or July.  At first he wanted to give me Yaz, but I was really hesitant since I've heard a lot of bad things about it, so he gave me one called Deseon instead.  I gotta say, I find it pretty ironic that I am back on the pill "because I'm trying to get pregnant."  But it's nice to feel like we're moving forward.

Finally starting somewhere....

Guess who's a bad blogger: Me! Blame it on my job.  It has been soo stressful from the very beginning: I have never had so many demands and been under so much pressure in my life, and it never seems to end.  I'm just now finally starting to get a grip on what I should be doing (I hope) and trying to be more organized.

But anyway, DH and I are FINALLY taking our next step towards IVF.  This Wednesday we have a consultation with a (very highly recommended!) urologist/male reproductive specialist! I'm excited to finally be doing something, but honestly I feel like we have no idea what we're doing.  This is just the only place we know where to start since we know DH will need to do the MESA and this Dr. looks like the best one for the job.  Still trying to find a [good] RE to see that will collaborate with the urologist, don't know if he will be able to help refer us or if I have to start from scratch on that one.  I'm trying to come up with a list of questions we should have for him when we go, so any input from you readers would be helpful! :)

What a jerk......

I was searching for something IF related on google, and stumbled across this thread.

Some people are born without vas deferens.  Other people are born without hearts.

One year

It was one year ago today that my world was turned upside down.

I remember that it was already a bad day to begin with.  A parent came in that morning angry about something and I had to deal with it.  Then during my planning period, a teacher aide decided to leave a [very dependent] student (not mine) in my classroom unsupervised.  So I had to deal with that.  And then deal with the aide getting mad at me for telling him we can't leave students unattended.  And with a million other things going wrong at school, I kept telling myself "I can't wait for some good news to put an end to this bad day."  I was carrying my cell phone with me all day, anxious for the doctor to call me.  After all, SA's can't take that long, and they'd had the whole weekend to review it, so how hard could it be to call me?  Oh if I only knew.
I didn't get the call until after the students were gone, thank goodness.  I was in another teacher's classroom when the phone rang, and then got all excited getting out a sticky note and pen, thinking I would want to write down some numbers and percentages....
Until he asked, "Would you rather hear an unusual finding over the phone or in person?"  Well how are you supposed to wait for that?
"I just wanna know," I said, bracing myself.
"Well...we did the semen anaysis....and there were no sperm found."  *shit!* I thought.  It hurts.  While my tears are welling up the doctor keeps going on with "This is....this is NOT something caused by *being stressed out* or *having a bad day*"   Thanks doc, as if I didn't know.
After I got off the phone, I just started bawling uncontrollably.  And my colleague (thankfully the ONLY person in the room at the time) tried her best to comfort me.  I know she meant well, it just didn't help telling me "Well when [daughter's husband] did it he had nothing...and I mean nothing! But it's because he was taking diabetes medication."  She did however convince me to ask my principal for a day off, as I'm usually really hesitant to take a day off unless I'm EXTREMELY sick.  But I knew I couldn't handle work the next day, so I did go down to the office, barely able to get the words "I don't think I can come in tomorrow" out of my mouth.
Then getting ready to go home I texted DH, I knew he was waiting to find out.  I think I wrote something like "It's pretty bad, but there may be hope."  He was in class at the time but stepped out to call me back immediately.
"There's nothing," I said, sobbing.
".........Nothing?"  That was so hard to hear the shock in his voice.
When he got home we just cried and cried and cried and cried.  That was one of the hardest nights for me.  Asleep, I could forget about everything.  Dream nice dreams again.  But I woke up several times throughout the night.  Each time I woke up, reality would instantly hit me again, and I would cry myself back to sleep.  I thought how will we ever go on with out lives?

Fast forward one year and what a difference a year has made.   We've made such a peace with IF, in a strange way I'm almost thankful for how it has opened our eyes, and brought us closer together.  I thought when this "dreaded anniversary" rolled around I would probably have a bad emotional day all over again.  But it didn't even phase me.  In fact I didn't even realize that today marked 1 year of living with IF (or, knowledge therof) until a few hours ago.

One thing that worries me, though, is if the only reason I feel "ok" with IF is because I'm still clinging to this hope of my dream being fulfilled.  The dream of getting to experience pregnancy and giving birth to DH's child.  This may sound weird, but sometimes I almost feel like we've "betrayed" our azoo brothers and sisters.  Because we got the "good" diagnosis.  The obstructive azoo.  The supposedly easy fix.  There is supposedly still hope for having our own biological child.
I'm getting the fear that this hope I'm clinging to may not be a good thing.  I'm afraid I may not be as strong as I think I am.  That one day all these hopes may be dashed away, and then I may not be able to swallow my own words of comfort.  Looking forward to planning IVF is bringing both excitement and fear in me.

Something good that has changed in one year, is how open DH is willing to be about his diagnosis.  Maybe he just thinks it's a cool conversation topic to tell a friend "I'm a mutant" and see how they react.  Anyway I think this is great that he has this much peace with it and can make a step closer to advocating for IF awareness, without feeling any shame.  Although I don't think it's wise to completely "out" ourselves (i.e. at work, or especially on FB).

I wonder where another year will lead us.