New Favorite Proverb

Ok, I know it.  I've been a bad blogger.  I didn't mean to leave the blog hanging with my anger at insurance companies.  I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but just kept putting it off, trying to figure out just how I wanted to say this.  Afraid of just rambling and not making any sense.

And while I've put it off, a lot has happened.  DH got accepted into the grad school he wanted, so we're definitely planning out this exciting move to California, and know exactly what location to aim for in the job/apt hunt.  We are both so blessed to have this opportunity for something new in our lives....

Yet....

There is still an emptiness, a longing inside of me.  And people all around me tend to minimize it.  For example, recently at my workplace, they threw a baby shower for several new moms.  And I let a close co-worker (not a "new mom") know that I was getting some gifts, but that I don't think I'm ready for baby showers again yet.  To which her words of comfort are: "You couldn't do what you're doing right now (moving to a new state) if you were pregnant."  Of course not.  And yes it's nice to not have to worry about  anything happening at an inconvenient time.  But what wouldn't I give for DH and I to BE ABLE TO conceive even "accidentally."

And then there's Facebook, ever faithful in reminding me of what I don't have.  What I can't have without a LOT of intervention (and $$$).  What I may never have if those interventions do not work.  Announcements seem to pop up unexpectedly everywhere.  Oh hey, there's that long-time-ago friend.  Wonder how she's doin n-....wonder why she's asking for a good newborn photographer.... How is so&so nowadays?....oh....it's a boy....

And with that comes the huge wave of guilt.  The why am I so upset over a friend's huge blessing?  Why do I feel so empty when I have so much?


That's what brings me to my new favorite Proverb:

(But first, a mini-pitch): In what little spare time I have, I've been reading The Infertiliy Companion, by Sandra L. Glahn, Th. M. & William R. Cutrer, M.D.  I found this book in the Christian Inspiration section at a bookstore, and so far I just love it.  I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a good read on IF from a Christian perspective.

Anyway, I was reading the chapter on "The Spiritual Struggle," where the author was discussing the often-quoted "fertility" verses that get pulled out of context.  You know, the "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child" (Isaiah 54:1) or "[a woman] will be saved through childbearing..." (I Tim. 2:15).
Then it pointed out one of the least-quoted "infertility" passages:

The leech has two daughters-
Give and Give!
There are three things that are never satisfied,
Four never say, "Enough!":
The grave,
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water-
And the fire that never says, "Enough!"

-Proverbs 30:15-16 (NKJV)

Now I think it's easy for most people to focus on the negative aspect of this proverb concerning the leeches' greed, especially when it's talking about wildfires and death.  But we as IFers can see another meaning to this:
Four NATURAL forces (not necessarily evil) created by God are described in parallel to each other, INCLUDING the cry of the barren womb.  We are created to desire children, and the emptiness we feel when we don't have a child is just as natural and inevitable as the need for the earth to drink up rainwater to be fruitful.

So when I hurt for what I don't have, or when I begin to fear that I never will have, I find peace and comfort in this verse.  Knowing that it is perfectly OK to feel this way, because it's how I have been created.  And knowing that if our IVF procedures don't work out in the future, it has to be for a greater purpose.

Wagon Wheels

Two years ago this May, I lost a very dear friend of mine to kidney cancer.  Even though we were not related, I always thought of her as a "Grandma" to me.  Some of my earliest memories at church are those of falling asleep in the pew beside her.  I think that as a younger child, I just always wanted to sit by her because she gave me candy every Sunday.  As I got older, I began to really just cherish her company.  The day I was saved, I asked her to come to the altar with me.  As a teenager, I could talk to her about all my secret crushes.  I told her when DH and I were engaged before I even told my mom!  In a small church environment bustling with gossip and judgmental attitudes, this woman simply offered her practical service to God through her sweet, humble, and caring spirit.

IF has gotten me thinking more about her lately.  You see, I had always noted that she didn't talk about children.  She never had any family come to visit at church like everyone else did.  But I never knew why until my junior year in high school.  We had a writing assignment, where we had to interview a senior adult about their life growing up, the most important things they learned in life, that sort of thing.  So I chose to write about my "Grandma."  She told me about her life growing up on a farm with lots of siblings, about all the chores they would do to help out.  Then she told me about the accident.  When she was about 8 years old, a young man that worked on their farm somehow ran over her while he was driving a wagon or buggy... She smiled as she told me "He felt so bad about it that he bought me a brand new dress and some shoes."  (Or something like that...I just remember it was pretty miniscule).  But the accident left her incapable of having children.  She said she and her husband wanted/tried to adopt, but they just couldn't get around to it or it didn't work out.

Of course as a high schooler, the thought of infertility was, in a way, over my head.  All I could think about was that must have been so sad for her.  Now that it hits quite a bit closer to home, I wonder how she really dealt with it.  Because of somebody's careless mistake, she was robbed of the ability to experience pregnancy, to experience birth, to experience motherhood.  Did she really just humbly accept a pair of shoes in its place?  I wonder how she really felt during her younger years, as she watched all her friends have children, and watched them grow up.

There are some days I wish I still had her shoulder to lean on, that we could talk about this.  I miss you Grandma.

J-Lo no-no

So I was just sitting here at home browsing Facebook when I saw one of my friends posted a link to his blog.  His blog posted a link to this site.  My friend then went on to applaud J-Lo for recognizing the true Author and Creator of Life.

My response: Of course anybody would "prefer" the "natural method" of conceiving if it was possible for them. If a man or woman has a condition preventing them from conceiving through "natural methods," it is not necessarily God's way of divinely sterilizing them. God is still the Creator of life when sperm meets egg, regardless of whether it gets there "naturally" or in a petri dish.

Now I suppose in light of the plot of her new movie ("The Back-Up Plan") one can appreciate her decision IRL to not pursue IVF because of "not finding Mr. Right yet."  Maybe she didn't mean it as a judgemental comment, but it's just so funny how someone who has no trouble getting pregnant can say of those who can't, that it's "not meant to be."