This past week has been a bit of an emotional wreck for me. It really sucks to try to plan things out so far in advance when you have so many conflicting priorities, feeling like you're being pulled in so many directions.
Before we even left, a lot of family members were talking to us about planning some get-togethers for Christmas and next summer. We will definitely be going to OK for Christmas, as DH's hectic school schedule won't allow him to go anywhere for Thanksgiving. I was hoping to spend the whole break in OK. Then a couple weeks ago my BIL was trying to convince us to go to Tahoe with them right after Christmas.
[side note: my playlist just started playing "Did you ever have to make up your mind?" by the Lovin Spoonful. How convenient]
Then there is trying to make plans for next summer. My brother had been discussing wanting to go hiking in New Mexico next summer (before it gets TOO hot). I have had my heart and mind set on starting IVF next summer, but felt like DH wasn't quite as *enthusiastic* about it as I am. But I definitely want to spend time with my brother next summer so both things are important to me. I have been contemplating in my mind how on the most convenient way to work out the timing.
Then this past week I started to think about something else that's important to me: visiting DH's parents. It's just crazy that I've been married this long and have never even met my in-laws. Then I started weighing that with IVF, realizing that if we had a successful IVF, it would not be wise to go to Bangladesh while pregnant so we would have to put that off even more. I came to my own conclusion that we should try to go to Bangladesh next summer, even if it meant putting off IVF for a few months or longer.
So this past weekend we went to see our very close friend in San Diego (let's call him K). On the drive down, I brought it up with DH and we talked about it. At first he wasn't sure, then thought about it some more and was on board with planning the trip for next summer. We both started feeling pretty excited about it, but the thought of having to choose one thing over the other was getting me down. Then we got to K's place and his roommate announced there would be company over. Great, I thought. I was not really in the mood for forced socialization with strangers. Then they happened to bring their little reminder of our IF. So upstairs in K's room I just had myself a good cry because life sucks. It's so unfair to have to put so much time and energy (and money) in planning something that most other people can do without much effort. After drying my eyes I went down to socialize and play with the cute cute tiny tot, and I felt a lot better.
The next day DH and I were spending time with K when he brought up the topic of IF. We had a good talk about it and he really helped to put things in perspective for us. Basically helped us to realize that we should seize the opportunity to try IVF while we can. Even when DH talked to his mom that evening, she thought if he had to choose between the two, he should do IVF.
So now we are definitely aiming for IVF next summer. I wouldn't say that DH was not on board before, but that he just didn't seem to be taking it as seriously as I was. Like he had shut off that compartment of thoughts and emotions in his brain. Now I think he officially has "the fever" and is more serious about saving up money for this.
Now we just have to decide what to do about insurance. We already know the insurance through his school won't cover ANYTHING IF-related. I am trying to find out more about what my work insurance will cover - I already know it won't cover IVF (or any of the drugs included with that). But I am trying to find out if it will cover his MESA to see whether or not it would be worth including him on my plan. Too bad when you call the insurance company they have no clue what those procedures are or what they cover.
Showing posts with label emotions of IF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions of IF. Show all posts
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
The stash
Today I have this horrible sinus headache, plus itchy nose/sneezing. I'm going through all my OTC meds, trying to find something to help me out....
And I come across my long lost secret stash. You know: the prenatals, the Omega-3 fish oil, the EPO, the B6, the fertility blend (for women AND for men)..... All those things that were supposed to magically help me get pregnant. Ha.
Anyone need some pre-seed?
And I come across my long lost secret stash. You know: the prenatals, the Omega-3 fish oil, the EPO, the B6, the fertility blend (for women AND for men)..... All those things that were supposed to magically help me get pregnant. Ha.
Anyone need some pre-seed?
Saturday, May 8, 2010
New Favorite Proverb
Ok, I know it. I've been a bad blogger. I didn't mean to leave the blog hanging with my anger at insurance companies. I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but just kept putting it off, trying to figure out just how I wanted to say this. Afraid of just rambling and not making any sense.
And while I've put it off, a lot has happened. DH got accepted into the grad school he wanted, so we're definitely planning out this exciting move to California, and know exactly what location to aim for in the job/apt hunt. We are both so blessed to have this opportunity for something new in our lives....
Yet....
There is still an emptiness, a longing inside of me. And people all around me tend to minimize it. For example, recently at my workplace, they threw a baby shower for several new moms. And I let a close co-worker (not a "new mom") know that I was getting some gifts, but that I don't think I'm ready for baby showers again yet. To which her words of comfort are: "You couldn't do what you're doing right now (moving to a new state) if you were pregnant." Of course not. And yes it's nice to not have to worry about anything happening at an inconvenient time. But what wouldn't I give for DH and I to BE ABLE TO conceive even "accidentally."
And then there's Facebook, ever faithful in reminding me of what I don't have. What I can't have without a LOT of intervention (and $$$). What I may never have if those interventions do not work. Announcements seem to pop up unexpectedly everywhere. Oh hey, there's that long-time-ago friend. Wonder how she's doin n-....wonder why she's asking for a good newborn photographer.... How is so&so nowadays?....oh....it's a boy....
And with that comes the huge wave of guilt. The why am I so upset over a friend's huge blessing? Why do I feel so empty when I have so much?
That's what brings me to my new favorite Proverb:
(But first, a mini-pitch): In what little spare time I have, I've been reading The Infertiliy Companion, by Sandra L. Glahn, Th. M. & William R. Cutrer, M.D. I found this book in the Christian Inspiration section at a bookstore, and so far I just love it. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a good read on IF from a Christian perspective.
Anyway, I was reading the chapter on "The Spiritual Struggle," where the author was discussing the often-quoted "fertility" verses that get pulled out of context. You know, the "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child" (Isaiah 54:1) or "[a woman] will be saved through childbearing..." (I Tim. 2:15).
Then it pointed out one of the least-quoted "infertility" passages:
The leech has two daughters-
Give and Give!
There are three things that are never satisfied,
Four never say, "Enough!":
The grave,
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water-
And the fire that never says, "Enough!"
And while I've put it off, a lot has happened. DH got accepted into the grad school he wanted, so we're definitely planning out this exciting move to California, and know exactly what location to aim for in the job/apt hunt. We are both so blessed to have this opportunity for something new in our lives....
Yet....
There is still an emptiness, a longing inside of me. And people all around me tend to minimize it. For example, recently at my workplace, they threw a baby shower for several new moms. And I let a close co-worker (not a "new mom") know that I was getting some gifts, but that I don't think I'm ready for baby showers again yet. To which her words of comfort are: "You couldn't do what you're doing right now (moving to a new state) if you were pregnant." Of course not. And yes it's nice to not have to worry about anything happening at an inconvenient time. But what wouldn't I give for DH and I to BE ABLE TO conceive even "accidentally."
And then there's Facebook, ever faithful in reminding me of what I don't have. What I can't have without a LOT of intervention (and $$$). What I may never have if those interventions do not work. Announcements seem to pop up unexpectedly everywhere. Oh hey, there's that long-time-ago friend. Wonder how she's doin n-....wonder why she's asking for a good newborn photographer.... How is so&so nowadays?....oh....it's a boy....
And with that comes the huge wave of guilt. The why am I so upset over a friend's huge blessing? Why do I feel so empty when I have so much?
That's what brings me to my new favorite Proverb:
(But first, a mini-pitch): In what little spare time I have, I've been reading The Infertiliy Companion, by Sandra L. Glahn, Th. M. & William R. Cutrer, M.D. I found this book in the Christian Inspiration section at a bookstore, and so far I just love it. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a good read on IF from a Christian perspective.
Anyway, I was reading the chapter on "The Spiritual Struggle," where the author was discussing the often-quoted "fertility" verses that get pulled out of context. You know, the "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child" (Isaiah 54:1) or "[a woman] will be saved through childbearing..." (I Tim. 2:15).
Then it pointed out one of the least-quoted "infertility" passages:
The leech has two daughters-
Give and Give!
There are three things that are never satisfied,
Four never say, "Enough!":
The grave,
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water-
And the fire that never says, "Enough!"
-Proverbs 30:15-16 (NKJV)
Now I think it's easy for most people to focus on the negative aspect of this proverb concerning the leeches' greed, especially when it's talking about wildfires and death. But we as IFers can see another meaning to this:
Four NATURAL forces (not necessarily evil) created by God are described in parallel to each other, INCLUDING the cry of the barren womb. We are created to desire children, and the emptiness we feel when we don't have a child is just as natural and inevitable as the need for the earth to drink up rainwater to be fruitful.
So when I hurt for what I don't have, or when I begin to fear that I never will have, I find peace and comfort in this verse. Knowing that it is perfectly OK to feel this way, because it's how I have been created. And knowing that if our IVF procedures don't work out in the future, it has to be for a greater purpose.
Four NATURAL forces (not necessarily evil) created by God are described in parallel to each other, INCLUDING the cry of the barren womb. We are created to desire children, and the emptiness we feel when we don't have a child is just as natural and inevitable as the need for the earth to drink up rainwater to be fruitful.
So when I hurt for what I don't have, or when I begin to fear that I never will have, I find peace and comfort in this verse. Knowing that it is perfectly OK to feel this way, because it's how I have been created. And knowing that if our IVF procedures don't work out in the future, it has to be for a greater purpose.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Wagon Wheels
Two years ago this May, I lost a very dear friend of mine to kidney cancer. Even though we were not related, I always thought of her as a "Grandma" to me. Some of my earliest memories at church are those of falling asleep in the pew beside her. I think that as a younger child, I just always wanted to sit by her because she gave me candy every Sunday. As I got older, I began to really just cherish her company. The day I was saved, I asked her to come to the altar with me. As a teenager, I could talk to her about all my secret crushes. I told her when DH and I were engaged before I even told my mom! In a small church environment bustling with gossip and judgmental attitudes, this woman simply offered her practical service to God through her sweet, humble, and caring spirit.
IF has gotten me thinking more about her lately. You see, I had always noted that she didn't talk about children. She never had any family come to visit at church like everyone else did. But I never knew why until my junior year in high school. We had a writing assignment, where we had to interview a senior adult about their life growing up, the most important things they learned in life, that sort of thing. So I chose to write about my "Grandma." She told me about her life growing up on a farm with lots of siblings, about all the chores they would do to help out. Then she told me about the accident. When she was about 8 years old, a young man that worked on their farm somehow ran over her while he was driving a wagon or buggy... She smiled as she told me "He felt so bad about it that he bought me a brand new dress and some shoes." (Or something like that...I just remember it was pretty miniscule). But the accident left her incapable of having children. She said she and her husband wanted/tried to adopt, but they just couldn't get around to it or it didn't work out.
Of course as a high schooler, the thought of infertility was, in a way, over my head. All I could think about was that must have been so sad for her. Now that it hits quite a bit closer to home, I wonder how she really dealt with it. Because of somebody's careless mistake, she was robbed of the ability to experience pregnancy, to experience birth, to experience motherhood. Did she really just humbly accept a pair of shoes in its place? I wonder how she really felt during her younger years, as she watched all her friends have children, and watched them grow up.
There are some days I wish I still had her shoulder to lean on, that we could talk about this. I miss you Grandma.
IF has gotten me thinking more about her lately. You see, I had always noted that she didn't talk about children. She never had any family come to visit at church like everyone else did. But I never knew why until my junior year in high school. We had a writing assignment, where we had to interview a senior adult about their life growing up, the most important things they learned in life, that sort of thing. So I chose to write about my "Grandma." She told me about her life growing up on a farm with lots of siblings, about all the chores they would do to help out. Then she told me about the accident. When she was about 8 years old, a young man that worked on their farm somehow ran over her while he was driving a wagon or buggy... She smiled as she told me "He felt so bad about it that he bought me a brand new dress and some shoes." (Or something like that...I just remember it was pretty miniscule). But the accident left her incapable of having children. She said she and her husband wanted/tried to adopt, but they just couldn't get around to it or it didn't work out.
Of course as a high schooler, the thought of infertility was, in a way, over my head. All I could think about was that must have been so sad for her. Now that it hits quite a bit closer to home, I wonder how she really dealt with it. Because of somebody's careless mistake, she was robbed of the ability to experience pregnancy, to experience birth, to experience motherhood. Did she really just humbly accept a pair of shoes in its place? I wonder how she really felt during her younger years, as she watched all her friends have children, and watched them grow up.
There are some days I wish I still had her shoulder to lean on, that we could talk about this. I miss you Grandma.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Still here
Hello blogworld! It's been a while since my last post so I thought I'd just let everyone know that I'm still alive. Not much happening here, except that I've been a bit of an emotional wreck for the past couple of weeks. Usually, it takes a LOT to make me physically cry, but lately just the littlest things get the waterworks going. I should be happy after finding out what is wrong with DH, and believe me I am SO thankful for all we do have. I guess the "novelty" has worn off and reality has struck back. I am still an outsider, awkwardly separated from people wherever I go: work, church, etc. Can't even be happy and positive without getting shot down.
Probably what is getting to me the most is realizing how extremely difficult this process is going to be, with no guarantee that it will work. On top of that, it's almost certain that we are going to be making the big move to Cali this year. So there goes our "Oklahoma baby." Pretty sure that after the u/s in 2 weeks, any other TTC efforts will be put on hold. I mean sure we COULD try to go ahead and do the MESA and get some little swimmers frozen while we're here (and I know it sounds bad, but I would almost feel more secure doing that). But what if after we move they won't allow the sperm to be shipped halfway across the country? Or what if something goes wrong in the shipping process? I'm not going to make DH get his balls sliced open twice. Besides, he's already said that if we're moving, he's not going to do the procedure here. So that means that technically we'll be kicked back to "waiting to try" status.....and who knows how long that wait will be.
BTW, for those of you who are wondering, I still haven't told my parents yet. I wanted to last week, but DH really needed to finish his work for his final grad school application. Today would have been perfect, but my dad couldn't even drive up from TX (and no way were we going on the road) because of the ice/snow storm. Hopefully next weekend my dad will be there and we can drive down and get it over with.
Sorry for such a melancholy post. I hope I'll be in a more cheerful mood on my next post. In the meantime, enjoy a snow/ice pic. (I just hope these frozen trees don't fall on any power lines!)
Probably what is getting to me the most is realizing how extremely difficult this process is going to be, with no guarantee that it will work. On top of that, it's almost certain that we are going to be making the big move to Cali this year. So there goes our "Oklahoma baby." Pretty sure that after the u/s in 2 weeks, any other TTC efforts will be put on hold. I mean sure we COULD try to go ahead and do the MESA and get some little swimmers frozen while we're here (and I know it sounds bad, but I would almost feel more secure doing that). But what if after we move they won't allow the sperm to be shipped halfway across the country? Or what if something goes wrong in the shipping process? I'm not going to make DH get his balls sliced open twice. Besides, he's already said that if we're moving, he's not going to do the procedure here. So that means that technically we'll be kicked back to "waiting to try" status.....and who knows how long that wait will be.
BTW, for those of you who are wondering, I still haven't told my parents yet. I wanted to last week, but DH really needed to finish his work for his final grad school application. Today would have been perfect, but my dad couldn't even drive up from TX (and no way were we going on the road) because of the ice/snow storm. Hopefully next weekend my dad will be there and we can drive down and get it over with.
Sorry for such a melancholy post. I hope I'll be in a more cheerful mood on my next post. In the meantime, enjoy a snow/ice pic. (I just hope these frozen trees don't fall on any power lines!)
Monday, January 18, 2010
2 down, 2 to go
Had an awesome time last night. We had a double date with my bro & SIL. We watched "The Lovely Bones" (which was ok but not as good as I expected) and went to eat at Macaroni Grill. At dinner, DH decided to talk to them about our situation. Had a good conversation about it and they were very respectful and understanding and I love them for that! :)
DH had already planned to tell his parents, so after we got home he called them. I tried listening to what English I could pick up from the conversation, but ended up falling asleep. I guess he was on the phone with them for a couple hours because he woke me up at 12:30. He said his parents were ok, his mom cried a little bit and said "I don't want anything else, just get a kid as soon as you can." (Um...ok....we'll see what we can do...)
He also found out/was reminded about some distant male relatives who never had children. But his parents told him there was nobody they knew of in their family who ever had cystic fibrosis or any lung problems for that matter. I know there is still a possibility of him carrying the gene, but the URA (unilateral renal agenesis) explanation is starting to seem more likely. From what I have read, a fetus's kidneys and ureters develop at the same time as the vas deferens, so that would explain why missing vas deferens would be related to a missing kidney. Also, adults who have URA tend to develop high blood pressure. Almost all of DH's relatives (on both sides of the family) have HBP. Hmmm. Ok I know, I shouldn't jump to any conclusions. Just got to wait a month until we do the u/s and see the bloodwork results.
Next step on the list: telling my parents. We want to tell them in person, maybe as soon as this next weekend. Now I just gotta prepare myself for the possibility of my mom asking stupid questions about IVF or my dad asking stuff like "have you been tithing?" or "this is because you married someone who's not a Christian."
DH had already planned to tell his parents, so after we got home he called them. I tried listening to what English I could pick up from the conversation, but ended up falling asleep. I guess he was on the phone with them for a couple hours because he woke me up at 12:30. He said his parents were ok, his mom cried a little bit and said "I don't want anything else, just get a kid as soon as you can." (Um...ok....we'll see what we can do...)
He also found out/was reminded about some distant male relatives who never had children. But his parents told him there was nobody they knew of in their family who ever had cystic fibrosis or any lung problems for that matter. I know there is still a possibility of him carrying the gene, but the URA (unilateral renal agenesis) explanation is starting to seem more likely. From what I have read, a fetus's kidneys and ureters develop at the same time as the vas deferens, so that would explain why missing vas deferens would be related to a missing kidney. Also, adults who have URA tend to develop high blood pressure. Almost all of DH's relatives (on both sides of the family) have HBP. Hmmm. Ok I know, I shouldn't jump to any conclusions. Just got to wait a month until we do the u/s and see the bloodwork results.
Next step on the list: telling my parents. We want to tell them in person, maybe as soon as this next weekend. Now I just gotta prepare myself for the possibility of my mom asking stupid questions about IVF or my dad asking stuff like "have you been tithing?" or "this is because you married someone who's not a Christian."
Monday, January 4, 2010
One more week
Finally. One more week until we start to get SOME answers. I am so tired of waiting with this diagnosis and not knowing what is causing it or if it can be fixed. These past few months I have been trying to get my mind prepared (as much as possible) for any possibility, but I know it will still be hard. I don't want to get my hopes up only to have a major let-down....again.
DH still doesn't want to tell his parents or mine. He says we shouldn't have to "answer" to anybody. I wish he would understand that I would like to have the support and prayers of my family. Maybe he will be ready to tell them if we find out he needs to have a biopsy. Let's see how this goes....
DH still doesn't want to tell his parents or mine. He says we shouldn't have to "answer" to anybody. I wish he would understand that I would like to have the support and prayers of my family. Maybe he will be ready to tell them if we find out he needs to have a biopsy. Let's see how this goes....
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Hypothesis?
Last night DH and I went on a little date. Had a very interesting talk about this whole IF/azoo thing. A lot of things have been going through my mind. DH has been so busy with schoolwork as this is his last semester, and has been applying to different grad schools for the 2010-2011 school year. It's funny looking back to when we first started thinking about TTC; I was SO determined to have an Oklahoma baby and be able to stay here for a while before moving to wherever. But now I realize that if we are to have our own child at all, the odds of us having a baby in Oklahoma are very slim. And now with my work environment getting more and more stressful, I don't think I even want to stay for another year. But then, I don't know how things would work out if, for instance, they are able to find some sperm and freeze it to use for IVF.... It's not like we could just do IVF here and then move halfway across the country while I'm pg.
On the other hand, I think I hypothesize too much. I told DH I really don't want to get my hopes up at all. Especially since with the reading I've been doing on azoo, it seems most couples I've read about end up doing donor sperm. And then DH just said "If you want to do donor sperm, I don't care, do what you want, because it's still gonna be my kid." Wow I was not expecting that. But we talked about it. I still personally would not want to do donor sperm. At least at this point, I feel that if we can't both have a biological child, I would rather adopt a child who needs a good family than to have a child that's only "half" ours. Still very weird that DH thinks he would be ok with it before I would....
I really wish I could keep my mind off of this, but it's hard waiting in limbo. At least, I'm gonna get my "fix" this weekend. I'm going to my brother's this weekend for my nephew's birthday (turning 3 years old!) I've talked with my SIL about problems I've had since TTC, but I haven't told her about azoo. But I feel I may need to confide in her & my brother since we are so close. Not looking for pity, but I feel I can trust them, and I may need their help if my mom does what she always does- going on and on asking me/talking to me about kids/pregnancy.
On the other hand, I think I hypothesize too much. I told DH I really don't want to get my hopes up at all. Especially since with the reading I've been doing on azoo, it seems most couples I've read about end up doing donor sperm. And then DH just said "If you want to do donor sperm, I don't care, do what you want, because it's still gonna be my kid." Wow I was not expecting that. But we talked about it. I still personally would not want to do donor sperm. At least at this point, I feel that if we can't both have a biological child, I would rather adopt a child who needs a good family than to have a child that's only "half" ours. Still very weird that DH thinks he would be ok with it before I would....
I really wish I could keep my mind off of this, but it's hard waiting in limbo. At least, I'm gonna get my "fix" this weekend. I'm going to my brother's this weekend for my nephew's birthday (turning 3 years old!) I've talked with my SIL about problems I've had since TTC, but I haven't told her about azoo. But I feel I may need to confide in her & my brother since we are so close. Not looking for pity, but I feel I can trust them, and I may need their help if my mom does what she always does- going on and on asking me/talking to me about kids/pregnancy.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Me in the Corner
I've been feeling particularly down in the dumps these last few days. It's probably all these raging hormones since AF finally showed up after 43 days. This is the first time that instead of feeling sad when AF shows up, I just feel extremely bitter. Bitter knowing that this time around (and any time before) we never even got a chance to "try" like most couples do. And I'm becoming more and more skeptic that we will ever get a chance at having our own child....at all.
Lately, I don't even feel like being around people anymore. I feel so separated and awkward, even though most people in real life don't know what's going on with us. For some reason at work I am fine, but everywhere else I go I am constantly reminded of the harsh reality that is my life. It's probably because most people in my small circle of friends have kids or are pregnant, and it just hurts knowing that many of these people take their blessings for granted without realizing it. But I feel I can't really open up to them and receive any understanding. How can you be understanding, or why should I expect you to "be there for me" if you never have and never will experience the pain I am going through? I know there are good supportive "fertile" people out there. But I feel I can't go certain places, even when I'm feeling positive and happy, without becoming the awkward one, the outcast, the "downer."
The bad thing is my church is one of these places. Going to church and being around other Christian people used to really lift my spirits. I haven't even told anyone at church about IF, never even told people there that DH and I had been TTC. But for some reason lately when I go, I feel like I am somehow being judged by those around me. Maybe there's been a change in my persona or my attitude that needs working on. If so, that will take some time. Right now I think I just need a little break from "people" until I'm ready to handle these awkward situations.
Lately, I don't even feel like being around people anymore. I feel so separated and awkward, even though most people in real life don't know what's going on with us. For some reason at work I am fine, but everywhere else I go I am constantly reminded of the harsh reality that is my life. It's probably because most people in my small circle of friends have kids or are pregnant, and it just hurts knowing that many of these people take their blessings for granted without realizing it. But I feel I can't really open up to them and receive any understanding. How can you be understanding, or why should I expect you to "be there for me" if you never have and never will experience the pain I am going through? I know there are good supportive "fertile" people out there. But I feel I can't go certain places, even when I'm feeling positive and happy, without becoming the awkward one, the outcast, the "downer."
The bad thing is my church is one of these places. Going to church and being around other Christian people used to really lift my spirits. I haven't even told anyone at church about IF, never even told people there that DH and I had been TTC. But for some reason lately when I go, I feel like I am somehow being judged by those around me. Maybe there's been a change in my persona or my attitude that needs working on. If so, that will take some time. Right now I think I just need a little break from "people" until I'm ready to handle these awkward situations.
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