Still here

Hello blogworld!  It's been a while since my last post so I thought I'd just let everyone know that I'm still alive.  Not much happening here, except that I've been a bit of an emotional wreck for the past couple of weeks.  Usually, it takes a LOT to make me physically cry, but lately just the littlest things get the waterworks going.  I should be happy after finding out what is wrong with DH, and believe me I am SO thankful for all we do have.  I guess the "novelty" has worn off and reality has struck back.  I am still an outsider, awkwardly separated from people wherever I go: work, church, etc.  Can't even be happy and positive without getting shot down. 

Probably what is getting to me the most is realizing how extremely difficult this process is going to be, with no guarantee that it will work.  On top of that, it's almost certain that we are going to be making the big move to Cali this year.  So there goes our "Oklahoma baby."  Pretty sure that after the u/s in 2 weeks, any other TTC efforts will be put on hold.  I mean sure we COULD try to go ahead and do the MESA and get some little swimmers frozen while we're here (and I know it sounds bad, but I would almost feel more secure doing that).  But what if after we move they won't allow the sperm to be shipped halfway across the country?  Or what if something goes wrong in the shipping process?  I'm not going to make DH get his balls sliced open twice.  Besides, he's already said that if we're moving, he's not going to do the procedure here.  So that means that technically we'll be kicked back to "waiting to try" status.....and who knows how long that wait will be.

BTW, for those of you who are wondering, I still haven't told my parents yet.  I wanted to last week, but DH really needed to finish his work for his final grad school application.  Today would have been perfect, but my dad couldn't even drive up from TX (and no way were we going on the road) because of the ice/snow storm.  Hopefully next weekend my dad will be there and we can drive down and get it over with. 

Sorry for such a melancholy post.  I hope I'll be in a more cheerful mood on my next post.  In the meantime, enjoy a snow/ice pic.  (I just hope these frozen trees don't fall on any power lines!)

2 down, 2 to go

Had an awesome time last night.  We had a double date with my bro & SIL.  We watched "The Lovely Bones" (which was ok but not as good as I expected) and went to eat at Macaroni Grill.  At dinner, DH decided to talk to them about our situation.  Had a good conversation about it and they were very respectful and understanding and I love them for that! :)

DH had already planned to tell his parents, so after we got home he called them.  I tried listening to what English I could pick up from the conversation, but ended up falling asleep.  I guess he was on the phone with them for a couple hours because he woke me up at 12:30.  He said his parents were ok, his mom cried a little bit and said "I don't want anything else, just get a kid as soon as you can." (Um...ok....we'll see what we can do...) 
He also found out/was reminded about some distant male relatives who never had children.  But his parents told him there was nobody they knew of in their family who ever had cystic fibrosis or any lung problems for that matter.  I know there is still a possibility of him carrying the gene, but the URA (unilateral renal agenesis) explanation is starting to seem more likely.  From what I have read, a fetus's kidneys and ureters develop at the same time as the vas deferens, so that would explain why missing vas deferens would be related to a missing kidney.  Also, adults who have URA tend to develop high blood pressure.  Almost all of DH's relatives (on both sides of the family) have HBP.  Hmmm.  Ok I know, I shouldn't jump to any conclusions.  Just got to wait a month until we do the u/s and see the bloodwork results.

Next step on the list: telling my parents.  We want to tell them in person, maybe as soon as this next weekend.  Now I just gotta prepare myself for the possibility of my mom asking stupid questions about IVF or my dad asking stuff like "have you been tithing?" or "this is because you married someone who's not a Christian."

No Plumber Necessary

So today was our long-anticipated initial appointment with the urologist.  We went in expecting it to be just a consultation, probably he'll just order some bloodwork and we'll wait a few days to hear that, right?  Well it turns out we have made another huge discovery today, which is kinda good and kinda bad.

Of course, we had to start with ALLLLL the paperwork.  Then the doctor came in and asked us about our reproductive history, any family history that we know of, yada yada.  Then the fun part when DH got to drop his pants.  So the dr. is feeling around for a while, then asks DH to lay down.  All the while he is feeling him up, he again asks DH if he is sure there wasn't anyone in his family who had difficulty conceiving, and if he is sure that nobody in his family had cystic fibrosis...

You know what's coming next, don't you?

After DH is re-clothed, the dr. started drawing a diagram of what the typical male reproductive system looks like.  Then goes on to tell DH that HE WAS BORN WITHOUT THE VAS DEFERENS ON EITHER SIDE(???!!!!)  If you're wondering what the heck are vas deferens- those are the tubes that transport sperm from the epididymis to the urethra. 
I'm going SERIOUSLY? You can tell that just by feeling aroud his balls?  (Dang if only I'd known how to look for 'em maybe I could've figured that out already LOL) 

Now the good news is the dr. says everything else feels fine and most likely he is producing healthy sperm that they could retrieve for IVF.  The bad news: absence of the vas deferens is usually caused by a mutation in the gene code if he is carrying the gene for cystic fibrosis.  Actually, I don't know that there's anything else that would cause that unless he is carrying that gene. 
So of course, he had bloodwork ordered: testosterone, FSH, & LH, and of course testing for that CF gene.  The doctor also ordered to do a renal ultrasound next month because there could also be a possibility that DH has only one kidney (???!!!)

Mentally, we are both feeling a lot better now knowing the cause.  There could still be some tough decisions ahead of us if DH has the gene.  When we first started seeing the RE, they did some genetic testing so I know I don't carry th gene.  If he has it, and we have kids, they will not have CF, but there will be a good chance they could be carrying the gene.  It's a pretty big ethical decision to make.  Let's see what happens.

J-Lo no-no

So I was just sitting here at home browsing Facebook when I saw one of my friends posted a link to his blog.  His blog posted a link to this site.  My friend then went on to applaud J-Lo for recognizing the true Author and Creator of Life.

My response: Of course anybody would "prefer" the "natural method" of conceiving if it was possible for them. If a man or woman has a condition preventing them from conceiving through "natural methods," it is not necessarily God's way of divinely sterilizing them. God is still the Creator of life when sperm meets egg, regardless of whether it gets there "naturally" or in a petri dish.

Now I suppose in light of the plot of her new movie ("The Back-Up Plan") one can appreciate her decision IRL to not pursue IVF because of "not finding Mr. Right yet."  Maybe she didn't mean it as a judgemental comment, but it's just so funny how someone who has no trouble getting pregnant can say of those who can't, that it's "not meant to be." 

One more week

Finally.  One more week until we start to get SOME answers.  I am so tired of waiting with this diagnosis and not knowing what is causing it or if it can be fixed.  These past few months I have been trying to get my mind prepared (as much as possible) for any possibility, but I know it will still be hard.  I don't want to get my hopes up only to have a major let-down....again.

DH still doesn't want to tell his parents or mine.  He says we shouldn't have to "answer" to anybody.  I wish he would understand that I would like to have the support and prayers of my family.  Maybe he will be ready to tell them if we find out he needs to have a biopsy.  Let's see how this goes....