Today I have this horrible sinus headache, plus itchy nose/sneezing. I'm going through all my OTC meds, trying to find something to help me out....
And I come across my long lost secret stash. You know: the prenatals, the Omega-3 fish oil, the EPO, the B6, the fertility blend (for women AND for men)..... All those things that were supposed to magically help me get pregnant. Ha.
Anyone need some pre-seed?
Monday, May 17, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
New Favorite Proverb
Ok, I know it. I've been a bad blogger. I didn't mean to leave the blog hanging with my anger at insurance companies. I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but just kept putting it off, trying to figure out just how I wanted to say this. Afraid of just rambling and not making any sense.
And while I've put it off, a lot has happened. DH got accepted into the grad school he wanted, so we're definitely planning out this exciting move to California, and know exactly what location to aim for in the job/apt hunt. We are both so blessed to have this opportunity for something new in our lives....
Yet....
There is still an emptiness, a longing inside of me. And people all around me tend to minimize it. For example, recently at my workplace, they threw a baby shower for several new moms. And I let a close co-worker (not a "new mom") know that I was getting some gifts, but that I don't think I'm ready for baby showers again yet. To which her words of comfort are: "You couldn't do what you're doing right now (moving to a new state) if you were pregnant." Of course not. And yes it's nice to not have to worry about anything happening at an inconvenient time. But what wouldn't I give for DH and I to BE ABLE TO conceive even "accidentally."
And then there's Facebook, ever faithful in reminding me of what I don't have. What I can't have without a LOT of intervention (and $$$). What I may never have if those interventions do not work. Announcements seem to pop up unexpectedly everywhere. Oh hey, there's that long-time-ago friend. Wonder how she's doin n-....wonder why she's asking for a good newborn photographer.... How is so&so nowadays?....oh....it's a boy....
And with that comes the huge wave of guilt. The why am I so upset over a friend's huge blessing? Why do I feel so empty when I have so much?
That's what brings me to my new favorite Proverb:
(But first, a mini-pitch): In what little spare time I have, I've been reading The Infertiliy Companion, by Sandra L. Glahn, Th. M. & William R. Cutrer, M.D. I found this book in the Christian Inspiration section at a bookstore, and so far I just love it. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a good read on IF from a Christian perspective.
Anyway, I was reading the chapter on "The Spiritual Struggle," where the author was discussing the often-quoted "fertility" verses that get pulled out of context. You know, the "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child" (Isaiah 54:1) or "[a woman] will be saved through childbearing..." (I Tim. 2:15).
Then it pointed out one of the least-quoted "infertility" passages:
The leech has two daughters-
Give and Give!
There are three things that are never satisfied,
Four never say, "Enough!":
The grave,
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water-
And the fire that never says, "Enough!"
And while I've put it off, a lot has happened. DH got accepted into the grad school he wanted, so we're definitely planning out this exciting move to California, and know exactly what location to aim for in the job/apt hunt. We are both so blessed to have this opportunity for something new in our lives....
Yet....
There is still an emptiness, a longing inside of me. And people all around me tend to minimize it. For example, recently at my workplace, they threw a baby shower for several new moms. And I let a close co-worker (not a "new mom") know that I was getting some gifts, but that I don't think I'm ready for baby showers again yet. To which her words of comfort are: "You couldn't do what you're doing right now (moving to a new state) if you were pregnant." Of course not. And yes it's nice to not have to worry about anything happening at an inconvenient time. But what wouldn't I give for DH and I to BE ABLE TO conceive even "accidentally."
And then there's Facebook, ever faithful in reminding me of what I don't have. What I can't have without a LOT of intervention (and $$$). What I may never have if those interventions do not work. Announcements seem to pop up unexpectedly everywhere. Oh hey, there's that long-time-ago friend. Wonder how she's doin n-....wonder why she's asking for a good newborn photographer.... How is so&so nowadays?....oh....it's a boy....
And with that comes the huge wave of guilt. The why am I so upset over a friend's huge blessing? Why do I feel so empty when I have so much?
That's what brings me to my new favorite Proverb:
(But first, a mini-pitch): In what little spare time I have, I've been reading The Infertiliy Companion, by Sandra L. Glahn, Th. M. & William R. Cutrer, M.D. I found this book in the Christian Inspiration section at a bookstore, and so far I just love it. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a good read on IF from a Christian perspective.
Anyway, I was reading the chapter on "The Spiritual Struggle," where the author was discussing the often-quoted "fertility" verses that get pulled out of context. You know, the "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child" (Isaiah 54:1) or "[a woman] will be saved through childbearing..." (I Tim. 2:15).
Then it pointed out one of the least-quoted "infertility" passages:
The leech has two daughters-
Give and Give!
There are three things that are never satisfied,
Four never say, "Enough!":
The grave,
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water-
And the fire that never says, "Enough!"
-Proverbs 30:15-16 (NKJV)
Now I think it's easy for most people to focus on the negative aspect of this proverb concerning the leeches' greed, especially when it's talking about wildfires and death. But we as IFers can see another meaning to this:
Four NATURAL forces (not necessarily evil) created by God are described in parallel to each other, INCLUDING the cry of the barren womb. We are created to desire children, and the emptiness we feel when we don't have a child is just as natural and inevitable as the need for the earth to drink up rainwater to be fruitful.
So when I hurt for what I don't have, or when I begin to fear that I never will have, I find peace and comfort in this verse. Knowing that it is perfectly OK to feel this way, because it's how I have been created. And knowing that if our IVF procedures don't work out in the future, it has to be for a greater purpose.
Four NATURAL forces (not necessarily evil) created by God are described in parallel to each other, INCLUDING the cry of the barren womb. We are created to desire children, and the emptiness we feel when we don't have a child is just as natural and inevitable as the need for the earth to drink up rainwater to be fruitful.
So when I hurt for what I don't have, or when I begin to fear that I never will have, I find peace and comfort in this verse. Knowing that it is perfectly OK to feel this way, because it's how I have been created. And knowing that if our IVF procedures don't work out in the future, it has to be for a greater purpose.
Friday, March 26, 2010
**** you, BCBS!
DH just got this copy of a letter from his insurance company in the mail today:
NO SHIT IT"S A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION! HE WAS FUCKING BORN THAT WAY!
We're now looking at having to pay at least $750 for ONE appointment. DH is calling first thing Monday morning and canceling the insurance. If this is the shit we have to go through for a few piddly little blood tests, I am not looking forward to IVF.
Not like "Obamacare" is gonna help any with fertility treatments.
"Dear Board of Regents:
In reviewing the claims for this patient, we found that a payment was made to you....of $156.36. However, we have determined that these services were for a preexisting condition, and under the patient's benefit plan, benefits are not available. If we do not receive the overpayment of $156.36 within 30 days..." yada yada yada
NO SHIT IT"S A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION! HE WAS FUCKING BORN THAT WAY!
We're now looking at having to pay at least $750 for ONE appointment. DH is calling first thing Monday morning and canceling the insurance. If this is the shit we have to go through for a few piddly little blood tests, I am not looking forward to IVF.
Not like "Obamacare" is gonna help any with fertility treatments.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
To the flag....
Exciting news today: DH passed his citizenship test!!!
Not like it was hard or anything (although I'm sure quite a few natural-born citizens may even miss some of the easiest questions...) But the whole process of getting PR status had been quite a journey, and now he's made it to citizen; it feels great to put these worries behind us now.
DH was a little bit sad about having to "give up" his home country, as the U.S. does not recognize dual citizenship. That means he will now have to get a visa when he goes back to visit his own family. How weird is that?
Not like it was hard or anything (although I'm sure quite a few natural-born citizens may even miss some of the easiest questions...) But the whole process of getting PR status had been quite a journey, and now he's made it to citizen; it feels great to put these worries behind us now.
DH was a little bit sad about having to "give up" his home country, as the U.S. does not recognize dual citizenship. That means he will now have to get a visa when he goes back to visit his own family. How weird is that?
Monday, March 1, 2010
Maybe it's better
The other day we got DH's insurance "EOB" in the mail. And gee wouldn't you know, practically NOTHING was covered. So we may owe over $500. What's the point of insurance then? Now these are all for the lab services on Jan 11th. Can't wait to see what they try to do about the renal u/s visit. If they try to not cover that I will be raising some hell. Can you imagine if someone actually is born with only one kidney, and their insurance wouldn't want to pay for any treatment cuz it's a "pre-existing condition?" Well no shit. Stupid insurance.
So maybe it's good that we won't be doing the MESA here cuz this insurance sucks ass. But then again, it may not be any better in California. I read online about some states that have "mandatory infertility coverage" but from what I see there's still no guarantee.
On a positive note, DH is flying back in from CA tonight. I missed him a lot this weekend.
So maybe it's good that we won't be doing the MESA here cuz this insurance sucks ass. But then again, it may not be any better in California. I read online about some states that have "mandatory infertility coverage" but from what I see there's still no guarantee.
On a positive note, DH is flying back in from CA tonight. I missed him a lot this weekend.
Monday, February 15, 2010
From Either/Or to Neither/Nor
Today we went to the urologist again for the bloodwork results & renal ultrasound. As it turns out, both kidneys are there and intact. All his hormone levels came back normal, AND he tested negative for all 36 panels of CF screening. The Dr. said there's no way to test for ALL genetic possibilities, so there may still be a possibility of a mutation in the CFTR gene, but for now things are looking good! Just an unexplained mutation. Maybe DH should join the X-Men ;)
BTW, for those of you who were wondering, we finally got a chance to talk to my parents this past Friday. And, it actually went pretty well. My mom was starting to tear up a little but was fine. (I'm definitely glad we decided not to tell them back when all we knew was "0 sperm"). The only weird thing she said was "So there's no way they can do any kind of.....transplant for that?" Um, no. My dad was pretty quiet, only spoke up when we talked about IVF. When we said we would not selectively abort any embryos, he said that's the only problem he has with IVF. And also said "And if it doesn't work out, you can always adopt." To which I replied we still have intentions to adopt, even if we are able to have a biological child.
Really my parents were only judgmental and giving stupid advice regarding our likely move to California. You know, stuff like "It's too liberal out there" or "You don't want to teach in their schools" when they haven't really seen it for themselves.
So now, we're just on pause. Just going to relax and let "TTC" take the back seat as we start preparing for the move. Gotta find something to blog about in the meantime...
BTW, for those of you who were wondering, we finally got a chance to talk to my parents this past Friday. And, it actually went pretty well. My mom was starting to tear up a little but was fine. (I'm definitely glad we decided not to tell them back when all we knew was "0 sperm"). The only weird thing she said was "So there's no way they can do any kind of.....transplant for that?" Um, no. My dad was pretty quiet, only spoke up when we talked about IVF. When we said we would not selectively abort any embryos, he said that's the only problem he has with IVF. And also said "And if it doesn't work out, you can always adopt." To which I replied we still have intentions to adopt, even if we are able to have a biological child.
Really my parents were only judgmental and giving stupid advice regarding our likely move to California. You know, stuff like "It's too liberal out there" or "You don't want to teach in their schools" when they haven't really seen it for themselves.
So now, we're just on pause. Just going to relax and let "TTC" take the back seat as we start preparing for the move. Gotta find something to blog about in the meantime...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Wagon Wheels
Two years ago this May, I lost a very dear friend of mine to kidney cancer. Even though we were not related, I always thought of her as a "Grandma" to me. Some of my earliest memories at church are those of falling asleep in the pew beside her. I think that as a younger child, I just always wanted to sit by her because she gave me candy every Sunday. As I got older, I began to really just cherish her company. The day I was saved, I asked her to come to the altar with me. As a teenager, I could talk to her about all my secret crushes. I told her when DH and I were engaged before I even told my mom! In a small church environment bustling with gossip and judgmental attitudes, this woman simply offered her practical service to God through her sweet, humble, and caring spirit.
IF has gotten me thinking more about her lately. You see, I had always noted that she didn't talk about children. She never had any family come to visit at church like everyone else did. But I never knew why until my junior year in high school. We had a writing assignment, where we had to interview a senior adult about their life growing up, the most important things they learned in life, that sort of thing. So I chose to write about my "Grandma." She told me about her life growing up on a farm with lots of siblings, about all the chores they would do to help out. Then she told me about the accident. When she was about 8 years old, a young man that worked on their farm somehow ran over her while he was driving a wagon or buggy... She smiled as she told me "He felt so bad about it that he bought me a brand new dress and some shoes." (Or something like that...I just remember it was pretty miniscule). But the accident left her incapable of having children. She said she and her husband wanted/tried to adopt, but they just couldn't get around to it or it didn't work out.
Of course as a high schooler, the thought of infertility was, in a way, over my head. All I could think about was that must have been so sad for her. Now that it hits quite a bit closer to home, I wonder how she really dealt with it. Because of somebody's careless mistake, she was robbed of the ability to experience pregnancy, to experience birth, to experience motherhood. Did she really just humbly accept a pair of shoes in its place? I wonder how she really felt during her younger years, as she watched all her friends have children, and watched them grow up.
There are some days I wish I still had her shoulder to lean on, that we could talk about this. I miss you Grandma.
IF has gotten me thinking more about her lately. You see, I had always noted that she didn't talk about children. She never had any family come to visit at church like everyone else did. But I never knew why until my junior year in high school. We had a writing assignment, where we had to interview a senior adult about their life growing up, the most important things they learned in life, that sort of thing. So I chose to write about my "Grandma." She told me about her life growing up on a farm with lots of siblings, about all the chores they would do to help out. Then she told me about the accident. When she was about 8 years old, a young man that worked on their farm somehow ran over her while he was driving a wagon or buggy... She smiled as she told me "He felt so bad about it that he bought me a brand new dress and some shoes." (Or something like that...I just remember it was pretty miniscule). But the accident left her incapable of having children. She said she and her husband wanted/tried to adopt, but they just couldn't get around to it or it didn't work out.
Of course as a high schooler, the thought of infertility was, in a way, over my head. All I could think about was that must have been so sad for her. Now that it hits quite a bit closer to home, I wonder how she really dealt with it. Because of somebody's careless mistake, she was robbed of the ability to experience pregnancy, to experience birth, to experience motherhood. Did she really just humbly accept a pair of shoes in its place? I wonder how she really felt during her younger years, as she watched all her friends have children, and watched them grow up.
There are some days I wish I still had her shoulder to lean on, that we could talk about this. I miss you Grandma.
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