Step 2

I guess I had better quit putting this post off and give the blog world an update before too much time goes by ;)


Anyway, our visit with the urologist last month went great.  Only thing is we found out DH also has "incomplete" epididymis on both sides, which is I guess pretty common with CBAVD so not a big deal.  Also, he was not satisfied with our previous genetic screenings, as DH was only screened for 36 panels of CF, so he wanted ME to do at least a 90 panel one. (We were told "there's no way to test for all strands,"  but apparently there's tests for a hell of a lot more than 36 panels so go figure)

The urologist referred us to an RE that he works with a lot, and who would do the egg retrieval in the same OR, but we have to drive out to the valley for all office visits. (Just about a 30-minute drive though, so not too bad).  We had our initial visit with the RE this past Thursday to review our conditions and discuss a plan.  Strangely enough, whereas my previous RE did not think that I met the criteria for PCOS, this guy highly suspects that I do based on my history of irregular/ no ovulation and a slightly high testosterone level.  Once again, go figure.  Of course, PCOS is much less significant when your partner has CBAVD, but his concern is that it puts me at a higher risk for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome during the IVF process.  (Yikes!) So he wants me to come in next week for a glucose tolerance test to consider putting me on Metformin.  Ai-yi-yi. 

And he also wrote a prescription for me to go ahead and start on BC so that we'll be ready by June or July.  At first he wanted to give me Yaz, but I was really hesitant since I've heard a lot of bad things about it, so he gave me one called Deseon instead.  I gotta say, I find it pretty ironic that I am back on the pill "because I'm trying to get pregnant."  But it's nice to feel like we're moving forward.

Finally starting somewhere....

Guess who's a bad blogger: Me! Blame it on my job.  It has been soo stressful from the very beginning: I have never had so many demands and been under so much pressure in my life, and it never seems to end.  I'm just now finally starting to get a grip on what I should be doing (I hope) and trying to be more organized.

But anyway, DH and I are FINALLY taking our next step towards IVF.  This Wednesday we have a consultation with a (very highly recommended!) urologist/male reproductive specialist! I'm excited to finally be doing something, but honestly I feel like we have no idea what we're doing.  This is just the only place we know where to start since we know DH will need to do the MESA and this Dr. looks like the best one for the job.  Still trying to find a [good] RE to see that will collaborate with the urologist, don't know if he will be able to help refer us or if I have to start from scratch on that one.  I'm trying to come up with a list of questions we should have for him when we go, so any input from you readers would be helpful! :)

What a jerk......

I was searching for something IF related on google, and stumbled across this thread.

Some people are born without vas deferens.  Other people are born without hearts.

One year

It was one year ago today that my world was turned upside down.

I remember that it was already a bad day to begin with.  A parent came in that morning angry about something and I had to deal with it.  Then during my planning period, a teacher aide decided to leave a [very dependent] student (not mine) in my classroom unsupervised.  So I had to deal with that.  And then deal with the aide getting mad at me for telling him we can't leave students unattended.  And with a million other things going wrong at school, I kept telling myself "I can't wait for some good news to put an end to this bad day."  I was carrying my cell phone with me all day, anxious for the doctor to call me.  After all, SA's can't take that long, and they'd had the whole weekend to review it, so how hard could it be to call me?  Oh if I only knew.
I didn't get the call until after the students were gone, thank goodness.  I was in another teacher's classroom when the phone rang, and then got all excited getting out a sticky note and pen, thinking I would want to write down some numbers and percentages....
Until he asked, "Would you rather hear an unusual finding over the phone or in person?"  Well how are you supposed to wait for that?
"I just wanna know," I said, bracing myself.
"Well...we did the semen anaysis....and there were no sperm found."  *shit!* I thought.  It hurts.  While my tears are welling up the doctor keeps going on with "This is....this is NOT something caused by *being stressed out* or *having a bad day*"   Thanks doc, as if I didn't know.
After I got off the phone, I just started bawling uncontrollably.  And my colleague (thankfully the ONLY person in the room at the time) tried her best to comfort me.  I know she meant well, it just didn't help telling me "Well when [daughter's husband] did it he had nothing...and I mean nothing! But it's because he was taking diabetes medication."  She did however convince me to ask my principal for a day off, as I'm usually really hesitant to take a day off unless I'm EXTREMELY sick.  But I knew I couldn't handle work the next day, so I did go down to the office, barely able to get the words "I don't think I can come in tomorrow" out of my mouth.
Then getting ready to go home I texted DH, I knew he was waiting to find out.  I think I wrote something like "It's pretty bad, but there may be hope."  He was in class at the time but stepped out to call me back immediately.
"There's nothing," I said, sobbing.
".........Nothing?"  That was so hard to hear the shock in his voice.
When he got home we just cried and cried and cried and cried.  That was one of the hardest nights for me.  Asleep, I could forget about everything.  Dream nice dreams again.  But I woke up several times throughout the night.  Each time I woke up, reality would instantly hit me again, and I would cry myself back to sleep.  I thought how will we ever go on with out lives?

Fast forward one year and what a difference a year has made.   We've made such a peace with IF, in a strange way I'm almost thankful for how it has opened our eyes, and brought us closer together.  I thought when this "dreaded anniversary" rolled around I would probably have a bad emotional day all over again.  But it didn't even phase me.  In fact I didn't even realize that today marked 1 year of living with IF (or, knowledge therof) until a few hours ago.

One thing that worries me, though, is if the only reason I feel "ok" with IF is because I'm still clinging to this hope of my dream being fulfilled.  The dream of getting to experience pregnancy and giving birth to DH's child.  This may sound weird, but sometimes I almost feel like we've "betrayed" our azoo brothers and sisters.  Because we got the "good" diagnosis.  The obstructive azoo.  The supposedly easy fix.  There is supposedly still hope for having our own biological child.
I'm getting the fear that this hope I'm clinging to may not be a good thing.  I'm afraid I may not be as strong as I think I am.  That one day all these hopes may be dashed away, and then I may not be able to swallow my own words of comfort.  Looking forward to planning IVF is bringing both excitement and fear in me.

Something good that has changed in one year, is how open DH is willing to be about his diagnosis.  Maybe he just thinks it's a cool conversation topic to tell a friend "I'm a mutant" and see how they react.  Anyway I think this is great that he has this much peace with it and can make a step closer to advocating for IF awareness, without feeling any shame.  Although I don't think it's wise to completely "out" ourselves (i.e. at work, or especially on FB).

I wonder where another year will lead us.

PMS is a bitch

That's all there is to it.  I don't ever remember it being this bad pre-BC.  But seriously, I'm sick of feeling like tearing everyone's head off every time AF approaches.  Alanis Morissette to the rescue...maybe...

On top of that I've been having really weird dreams lately.  I'll chalk it up to anticipation/anxiety over the new job I'm starting next week, as that is usually the topic of my dreams lately.  Like I will show up to work and they tell me my program has to be moved to a different building, which ends of being in the same school I taught at in OK for the last 3 years so I'm feeling like "fuck I'm stuck in this dump again."  Or that we had moved back to OK after only 3 months and I'm angry about all the money we wasted.

Then the last couple nights I've had weird baby/TTC- related dreams.  First it was that we had a baby girl, but everyone was saying the baby didn't look like us.  Then I saw her and even DH and I were questioning if the docs had screwed up.  Last night I dreamed I was learning to give myself menopur shots, and when I realized it was too early to be cycling, I was told this was a "practice round."  So I kept trying to figure out the needle (which was more like a mechanical pencil) and then realized I was sitting in my classroom with all the students impatiently waiting for me to start a lesson. Weird.

Oh well I wouldn't put too much thought into analyzing my dreams.  I'm sure it's just hormones.  Seriously, if most of my dreams had any meaning then what a fucked up world this would be.

Choices

This past week has been a bit of an emotional wreck for me.  It really sucks to try to plan things out so far in advance when you have so many conflicting priorities, feeling like you're being pulled in so many directions.

Before we even left, a lot of family members were talking to us about planning some get-togethers for Christmas and next summer.  We will definitely be going to OK for Christmas, as DH's hectic school schedule won't allow him to go anywhere for Thanksgiving.  I was hoping to spend the whole break in OK.  Then a couple weeks ago my BIL was trying to convince us to go to Tahoe with them right after Christmas.

[side note: my playlist just started playing "Did you ever have to make up your mind?" by the Lovin Spoonful.  How convenient]

Then there is trying to make plans for next summer.  My brother had been discussing wanting to go hiking in New Mexico next summer (before it gets TOO hot).  I have had my heart and mind set on starting IVF next summer, but felt like DH wasn't quite as *enthusiastic* about it as I am.  But I definitely want to spend time with my brother next summer so both things are important to me.  I have been contemplating in my mind how on the most convenient way to work out the timing.

Then this past week I started to think about something else that's important to me: visiting DH's parents.  It's just crazy that I've been married this long and have never even met my in-laws.  Then I started weighing that with IVF, realizing that if we had a successful IVF, it would not be wise to go to Bangladesh while pregnant so we would have to put that off even more.  I came to my own conclusion that we should try to go to Bangladesh next summer, even if it meant putting off IVF for a few months or longer.

So this past weekend we went to see our very close friend in San Diego (let's call him K).  On the drive down, I brought it up with DH and we talked about it.  At first he wasn't sure, then thought about it some more and was on board with planning the trip for next summer.  We both started feeling pretty excited about it, but the thought of having to choose one thing over the other was getting me down.  Then we got to K's place and his roommate announced there would be company over.  Great, I thought.  I was not really in the mood for forced socialization with strangers.  Then they happened to bring their little reminder of our IF.  So upstairs in K's room I just had myself a good cry because life sucks.  It's so unfair to have to put so much time and energy (and money) in planning something that most other people can do without much effort.  After drying my eyes I went down to socialize and play with the cute cute tiny tot, and I felt a lot better.

The next day DH and I were spending time with K when he brought up the topic of IF.  We had a good talk about it and he really helped to put things in perspective for us. Basically helped us to realize that we should seize the opportunity to try IVF while we can.  Even when DH talked to his mom that evening, she thought if he had to choose between the two, he should do IVF.

So now we are definitely aiming for IVF next summer.  I wouldn't say that DH was not on board before, but that he just didn't seem to be taking it as seriously as I was.  Like he had shut off that compartment of thoughts and emotions in his brain.  Now I think he officially has "the fever" and is more serious about saving up money for this.

Now we just have to decide what to do about insurance.  We already know the insurance through his school won't cover ANYTHING IF-related.  I am trying to find out more about what my work insurance will cover - I already know it won't cover IVF (or any of the drugs included with that).  But I am trying to find out if it will cover his MESA to see whether or not it would be worth including him on my plan.  Too bad when you call the insurance company they have no clue what those procedures are or what they cover.

Bibliography of ASSVICE!!!

Here comes a fun post full of the most ridiculous ASSVICE I've gotten from various people within the last year or so.  Partly because I'm bored.  Partly because I'm a little PMS-y.  But mostly because some of this stuff is too hilariously stupid not to share:

First of all, I got a lot of stupid assvice, comments, and questions regarding the move to LA

Source #1: Nosy co-worker

Co-worker: I heard you might be leaving after this year....

Me: Yes.  My husband got into grad school in LA so we are moving.

Co-worker: Oh! Well I guess if you wanna stay married, then that's what you gotta do.

Wow.  I didn't know a spouse's education/career change was grounds to consider divorce.

Source #2: Sweet little old lady at church

"Don't let the liberals out there getcha."

Good idea.  I just know those dang liberals are hiding in the dark alleys, waiting to mug me for more tax money.

I also got the:  "Are there any Baptist churches in LA?"

Yes, there are actually Baptists in a city with a population of more than 4 million people.  But they all meet in secret underground passageways because they're hiding from the liberals.

Source #3: my mom 

I'm telling you, for some one who has never lived here, she says some of the dumbest things sometimes....such as:

"Well you know, everything is mañana in California."

What.....what does that even mean?? Mañana means tomorrow. Everything is tomorrow? What?

Or how about "You mean they let [DH]'s car into California?"

Well actually we had to smuggle DH's perfectly fine honda into a oversized coffin for 24 hours while we crossed the California state border.

I couldn't even tell her about all the cool ethnic restaurants around and eating Cuban food without her making some comment about countries where people rebel against the government......Seriously??? It's just FOOD and your political views are severely warped.

How about ASSVICE on marriage?:

Source #4: rude co-worker (who has been divorced at least 2 or 3 times, gets into a new relationship every year and almost gets married, then calls it off)

"Well if I haven't taught you anything else, you listen to this: You better get a separate bank account only in your name, don't tell anybody you have this, and every month put away $50 dollars into the account.  This is for EMERGENCIES, in case you need to get out because [DH] starts beatin' up on you."

What a great idea.  Because when I fell in love and took those vows I thought "hmm, now here's a guy I can't trust and who doesn't love me so much that he wouldn't dare to lay a finger on me.  But what the heck, I'll marry him anyway cuz I'm lonely." And by the way this tip you call "advice," in the real world is called "financial infidelity" and it's why you can't get your own relationships to work out.

Source #5: big sister (who is very selfish & immature, thinks she's an expert on marriage just because she has a boyfriend, and has made it very clear that she does not want children and pretty much thinks anyone who wants to get pregnant is stupid)

Sister: When you get married, your primarily responsibility is to your husband.  That means if your husband had a bad day at work and he comes home and the kids are running around screaming, you send them to their room and take care of your husband first.

Mom: Well you just don't know the cold hard reality 

Me: Yeah.  What if you have an infant? You can't just "send him to his room"

Sister: OMG! JUST PUT IT IN THE PLAYPEN! HOW HARD IS THAT?!

That's right, stereotypical wives and stay-at-home-moms of the world.  You better put down that hungry nursing baby and give your stereotypical breadwinner husband his bottle.

And then, of course, there's our all-time favorite: the getting pregnant/infertility ASSVICE:

Source #6: head midwife at the medical center (this is when I was still living in my world of ignorance is bliss, and was so sure I'd be pregnant any time now so I better start researching my birthing options)

Me: (wrapping up the consultation) BTW do you have any tips on getting pregnant?

Midwife: Well how long have you been trying?

Me: About 5 months.....

Midwife: (all-knowing smirk on face) Just take it easy, relax, don't think too much about it.  I guarantee you.  

Too bad there was no money-back on that guarantee.  But then again it was a free consultation.  Still, if I had a dollar for each time I've heard "just relax" I just might have enough money for IVF

Source #7: neurologist (a DOCTOR for crying out loud...keep in mind the whole reason I started seeing him was to get off the meds so I could safely get pregnant, and this conversation was just before we found out about CBAVD)

Neurologist: Are you still trying to get pregnant?

Me: ......we can't get pregnant.  My husband doesn't have any sperm. (the end)

Neurologist: Well you know, all is takes is just one to go "SHOOOOOOOOO" (making rocket-ship motion).  Well I'll see you back here in 6 months.

Yes, I can see it now in the Twilight Zone: "Hello? Hello? Well I guess I'm the only sperm left." (tail snaps off)  "No....that's not fair....there was....SPACE now....there was all the space I needed....THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!!" 

And perhaps the most absurd of all:

Source #8: nurse/former co-worker 

Nurse: So are you still taking the Depakote?

Me: Oh no, I've been off of that over a year

Nurse: Oh good.  So now just watch you'll probably get pregnant before you know it.

Me:.....not exactly...

Nurse: No?

Me: My husband was born without either of his "tubes" so the only possible way we could possibly get pregnant is through in-vitro.

You're a nurse.  You understand, right?

Nurse: Ohhh......Well don't be surprised if something happens one day. heehee.  I'm telling you I've seen these things happen! hahaha! What's it called? vans defens? I'm telling you I've seen things happen!  Cuz it only takes one, JUST ONE! teeheehee! You know cuz it's trapped in there it only takes one it's gonna go crazy! It's gonna go CRAZY I tell you! teeheehee! Just watch, don't be surprised.  You're gonna be one of those people on those TV shows that goes "What? How did it happen?"  And I'm gonna be laughin and goin "AH HA HA! See I told her!" Just watch it only takes one of em to go crazy and find a way!

.......And I have no words.  I guess I just need to hope for a miraculous conception so I can be on Good Morning America....

Well I hope everyone got a good little chuckle or two.  People sure say the *darndest* things