We cried for you

3 years ago on this day, DH and I spent the evening crying our eyes out after we had just received our diagnosis of azoospermia.

2 years ago, we were both at peace with our infertility, yet I was still afraid that I would never get to experience motherhood.

1 year ago, we were cautiously excited about our pregnancy, yet I was still so fearful that something would go wrong as we were experiencing a couple little scares

Today, here is our own precious 5 month old son:

I get so emotional to think about this. All the tears we shed, all the times I had to fight those tears back at others' pregnancy/birth announcements, all the baby showers I tried to avoid, all the times I just wanted to crawl into a cave and hide from the fertile world forever.........

And this is the one we cried for, more perfect than we could ever dream of.  We are so so so so thankful for how God has blessed us!   

Fleeting

Yesterday afternoon, while Anu was taking a nap, I decided to celebrate my birthday by:  cleaning the house.  Just what any woman wants.  Ha!

But really, I decided it was finally time to put away the bassinet.  Anu hadn't even slept in it since he was about 6 weeks old when he went through that whole growth spurt/I-only-nap-in-mommy's-arms phase.  After that, it had just become a storage catch-all for his clothes, diapers, burp rags, etc.  It was just a big mess and since DH set up the pack-n-play, it was time for this to go.  So I'm going through all the junk we'd just thrown in there and the bottom storage net had so many of his newborn things..... the tiny pants, the little mitts, the long-sleeve shirts with the things to go over his hands so he doesn't scratch his face......

I kid you not, by the time the bassinet was emptied I was in tears.  I mean he's only 4 months old, yet he's already so much bigger than the tiny little swaddled up bundle of joy we brought home from the hospital.  I had to lay him in the bassinet one last time just to savor it and see how much he's grown.  And I realize that this is what I've signed up for: a lifetime of these fleeting moments that will leave me bawling each time they pass by.   I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cry again when I put away his 3 month clothes, and 6 months, and when he turns 1, and when he starts walking, and when he stops nursing, and when he goes to school, and when he gets his first girlfriend, and......you get the picture.  Oh, how I will forever cherish those first days we had with him. When we were scared sh*tless about our new life as parents.


Anu is 4 months old now, and in the past month we have had quite a few milestones and new happenings:

-About 4 weeks ago, he started laughing out loud.  He always gets excited when DH (aka "Baba") is around and finds him very amusing.  Lately he will just giggle like crazy when Baba plays with him.  Also, when I try to give him a bath in his baby tub, he will arch his back and stiffen his legs (because since 3 months he always wants to stand up!), then he slides down towards the water which freaks me out.  Then he looks at me and starts laughing so much like he knows he's not supposed to do that.  It is so precious!

-Anu has also started rolling over (both ways) the last couple of weeks.  We noticed any time we lied him down on his play mat, he would roll to the side, but couldn't quite figure out what to do with his arms.  Then one night, I changed his diaper, then put him in the crib while I went to wash my hands.  By the time I came back, he was completely on his tummy with both arms in front of him.  Now he is always rolling it seems, so we have to be very careful where we put him!  It also drives me crazy at night because when he tries to go asleep and may be sucking on his paci or his thumb, he will roll and squish his face into the mattress.  Some nights he wakes me up (we co-sleep) because I hear him grunting and then I see he has rolled over with his face flat down.  Scares the crap out of me.

-This past week, Anu has started "talking" a whole lot more.  It seems like more expressive/fluctuated "gibberish."  And he tries to blow raspberries too, leaving a whole stream of spit bubbles out of his mouth.  It is so adorable though.

- I went back to work 2 weeks ago.  It was hard, but at the same time it was nice because I was ready for more adult interaction and to get back into the "new normal."  I had been sooo nervous about DH staying with Anu because he was always so wishy-washy with the bottle.  DH definitely had a few rough days but it all worked out.  I feel like now DH feels so much more comfortable with him and they have even more of a special bond because of this 2 weeks.

-On Tuesday, Anu will start at his new home daycare.  We have been taking him there to visit a couple times and last week DH took him a few hours at a time to let him transition.  (This was the daycare owner's suggestion and how she likes to transition new babies).  I'm actually excited for him to start going because wherever we go, he is sooooo intrigued by other babies and really wants to interact.  I think it will be just the right learning stimulation that he needs.

One year of existence

One year ago today, the doctors collected each of our ingredients so that we could bake a baby.  One year ago was the day our sweet little Anu was created!  How awesome is that????!!!! In one year, he has gone from a tiny embryo:

(Which one do you think he is?  I think it's the top one; that one always jumped out at me!)

to this handsome little 3 & 1/2 month old:

One year ago, I could not have imagined a more perfect baby!

Happy conception day, my sweet one!

Nostalgia

I've always been the type of person who gets very nostalgic at the littlest things.  Like whenever I got too big for the "kiddie rides" at amusement parks, or when I turned 10 and was no longer "single digit,"   or when I became a teenager, or when I was no longer a "teen" or.....Ok well you get my drift.  The slightest things make me a little teary-eyed.

Right now is no exception.  At this time last year, we were starting the IVF process.  Even though I am forever grateful that it was successful, I kinda miss the adventure of it all.  The injections, the monitoring, the surgeries, the waiting......all of it made our life exciting with the anticipation.  Though maybe I would not feel the same way had it not worked out the way we wanted.

As I'm preparing to go back to work, I realize that when school started last year, we had just found out we were pregnant.  And trying to keep it a secret made us so giddy.  I was carrying my child that whole school year I was working.  This year will take on a whole new dimension.

I still miss being pregnant sometimes.  And even though I never thought I'd have a problem with body image, I'm continually frustrated at the fact that I'm still only 10 pounds lighter than my pregnancy weight, and have to keep wearing sweatpants or maternity pants because I can't fit in my old clothes.

Oh well, such is life.  Adventures end, and new ones begin.  Right now we are trying to decide which home daycare we want Anu to go to once DH and I go back to work.  It's a hassle, and I wish I didn't have to leave him, but I know that being with other children will be good for him in the long run.  And I am so thankful that I will have gotten to stay home with him for 4 months.

3 months

My little guy is growing so fast!  He is getting to be more playful now, and really enjoys some of his toys.  Especially his butterfly or octopus rattle- he loves to just look at the "face" on it.  Some other recent happenings and fun stories:

- We had been giving Anu baths in his little baby tub set on the bathroom floor.  But lately he kept kicking his legs and splashing water everywhere, so I thought maybe it was time to try bathing him in the big tub with me.  I got the tub ready and DH brought me the baby, then got in to help soap him up.  Anu was really enjoying it, and then when DH was washing his hair, he turned around toward me and decided to help himself to a little snack. lol! It was soo cute, DH couldn't help to get out and grab the camera.  However, not it seems Anu likes to make a habit of it, and will start sucking then flash this huge grin like he's being so sneaky.

- A couple weeks ago we took our first big trip to Oklahoma to visit the family.  The plane ride there went very well since it was Anu's bedtime, so he slept the whole way until we landed.  However, my parents were there to meet us at the airport and they were so excited to see the baby that, well, they overstimulated him a little so he was really cranky at first lol! But all in all, the trip was good.  Everybody really enjoyed seeing and playing with the baby,  and I think he really really enjoyed interactions with his Grandpa and his cousin.   And with all the busy happenings with my sister's wedding, I really think the trip helped us to become more confident as parents and make me less nervous to take him out in public.

- Since the trip, we are dealing with a couple issues.  I had been on a dairy-free diet due to Anu's gas, but in OK I decided to cheat and was eating some ice cream and some other creamy comfort foods. Well the next day his poop turned green and it's been green ever since.  Even now that I'm dairy-free again.  I might need to talk to the doctor about it when we go for his next shots on Tuesday.  Also, the weather in OK was soooooo hot compared to here; I forgot just how hot it gets there!  I've been so spoiled with our 70 degree summers, we were so miserable in the 100+ dry heat.  As soon as we came back to LA, Anu has gotten a little bit of runny nose and cough, probably due to the extreme weather changes :(  

Moments in parenthood

I can't believe my little guy is already 9 weeks old!  He has changed so much already from the tiny little thing he was at birth.  I want to get better at documenting all the little things, because I don't want to forget this! Some of the moments in parenting that I want to remember always, the good and the bad, the cherishable moments and the ones that make us want to pull our hair out:

- The smell of newborn baby on those first days

-The smell and "fluffiness" of his hair after a bath

- When he was brand new in the hospital and would make the "puppy dog squeaks" in his sleep 

- When he first learned how to nurse and would sooooo slooooowly eat with his hand up by his face

- When he was still trying to get the hang of nursing and would "hover" his mouth over the boob while looking up at me as if he was waiting for permission lol

- The times he would start nursing, then start sucking on his hand instead, then squeal in anger because there was no milk

- The times DH would hold him in the morning and he would literally try to latch onto him. ("Hey, I recognize that bull's eye, that's food right?")

- Sitting on the couch day after day watching daytime TV and wondering if baby will ever ever ever stop eating for just 15 minutes lol

- The times when I could not set him down without him getting all fidgety until he made himself spit up

- The times he makes a huge mess in his diaper and all over his clothes 5 minutes after he just got changed

- The messes he would make in the middle of a diaper change

- The times he would fart in his dad's face during a diaper change

-The way he stretches and kicks when passing gas as if it's an olympic event

- The times when his dad holds him and he looks toward me as if to say "Come on mom, I know you're over there; you're not fooling me!"

- The funny noises he makes, like when he yawns and goes "khhhhhooo"

-The times he makes one loud cry in his sleep, and then is still asleep (I wonder what babies do dream about)

- How he did not cry much at first and would just whimper or go "AYE!" and then wait to see if we'd come to him

- The new "words" he says.  My favorite so far being "nnn-GEE-gee"

- His dad worrying that he was not "looking" at us, and then having him smile at us for the first time (6-20-12)

- The funny faces he makes at us, such as the "furrowed eyebrow of disapproval"

- The way he stares at himself in the mirror now that he's discovered it

- How much he loves being in his whale bathtub, and cries when we take him out

-How nerve-wrecking it was the first time I tried to cut his fingernails (it still is nerve-wrecking!)

- Reading "Good Night Moon" to him every night (never too early for literacy!) and seeing his eyes start to get droopy by the first time I read "mushhh"

- Singing lullabies to him

- The times he "sleeps in" with his dad in the morning while I get up and "refuel" 

-The way he falls asleep while nursing or being held, and then wakes up and cries the second we try to lay him down elsewhere

- Wearing him in the MobyWrap and doing dishes or vacuuming so that the white noise could help him sleep for JUST A LITTLE BIT (because mom knows that he is tired and he just won't admit it)

- Wearing him in a front carrier and taking a walk down the street every day because we just needed to get out of the house and dad was gone with the car!

- How nerve-wrecking it was the first time we had to leave the house to go to an appointment

- How nervous mom got when taking him to a restaurant for the first time

- How people "ooh" and "aah" over him whenever we take him out and about

- How mom and dad always pack a ton of stuff in his diaper bag and never even touch it.  Because we know the second we don't bring it is when we will need everything

- Getting comments when we went out such as "You're already taking him out of the house? You should have waited a month!" or "When I had my son I never left my house for 3 months.  Only to go to the doctor and that's it"...and me wanting to tell them to mind their own dam business.  (The latter comment was said to me when I was visiting my neighbor.....like right across the patio from my apartment.  Sorry lady but I'm a mom, not a hermit!)

- How it is so sad yet cute whenever he gets startled by a loud noise while he's nursing.  Once while DH turned on the blender and another time when I called out to DH that his phone was ringing....startled Anu so much that he "jumped" off the boob with a look of shock on his face, then gave the pouty lip and the most pathetic cry.

- The time he got scared at church when the sound system made a lot of static and started crying, and later people came up and said "Oh so he's the one who got scared!"....and me thinking "Yes, my child crying in church.  I know I have many more years of this to look forward to"

- How flustered I would get at DH in the early days when he would ask "Why is he crying?" "Why is he doing that?" as if I was the instruction manual

- How happy DH and I were the first time he actually took a pacifier (he really only uses it for bedtime or sometimes naps)

- The look on DH's face the first time Anu took a bottle from him. (And the wave of relief that mom felt!)

- The first time I took a 3-hour "excursion" while leaving him home with DH and was irrationally freaking out the whole time that something would go wrong.

- Most importantly:  how I fall so much more in love with him every day and can't seem to stop kissing him

I am going to try to update at least every 2 weeks if I can, now that I'm actually able to get a break for a bit! Here are a few highlights of the past 2 weeks:

- Two of my sisters and their SO's came to visit last week.  It was so fun for Anu to get to meet other family members.  We will be flying to Oklahoma in a couple weeks to meet the rest of the family.  

- On Wednesday, Anu had his 2 month checkup.  He weighed 11 lbs 5 oz. and measured 23.5 inches.  The doctor said he was right in the 50th percentile!  He also got shots, but the doctor said it's ok to stagger the shots because we didn't want him getting so many all at once.  It was hard enough just watching him get each shot.  One was Pc and one was a combo DTap, HIB, and polio.  He had a slight temp spike later in the day but not too much fever, and was a little more fussy and irritable than usual.  But with some baby Tylenol and a lot of extra TLC he was better.  Next month he will get the rotavirus, but I am a little on the fence whether he should get the Hep B, even though he had the first round at birth and was fine.

-Yesterday, we took Anu to visit the RE's office during their lunch break.  They were all so excited to see him.  I realized that we had spent more time with that doctor than any other OB during my pregnancy, so it makes sense that everyone there seemed more excited about seeing the results of their work than other doctors who are just used to babies all the time.  And the RE joked, "When you left here, you looked like a little kid.  Now you look all grown up and maternal."  DH said, "Well, but I'm still a kid though!"  Lol.  Someday we will go back to give our frozen embies a try.  Someday.

A Journey in Books

The other day I was cleaning my living room (all while keeping Anu happy in my handy-dandy Moby Wrap!) and upon looking at our bookshelf, I realized what an interesting collection of books we own.  A few of which, arranged just so, could represent our climb from infertility to and through parenthood:

Please note, I am not *endorsing* any of these books.  Most of these were just given to me.  I particularly don't recommend the "week by week" books, or at least the edition I have.  Even though it's nice to have an idea of weekly milestones, they have just BAD information such as telling you to retract the foreskin to clean an intact penis or suggesting to breastfeed privately in a bathroom stall (yuck!)