Entities as Singularity

26 weeks update

2012-01-31T17:14:00.000-08:00

- We had the repeat u/s on Dec. 29th. They were able to get all the measurements they needed, and baby is right on track where he should be. He kept hiding his face when they tried to take some 3D pics, but they were finally able to get some good ones. When we looked at the printouts, DH immediately thought that he looks like me. I thought in one of the side profile pics he looks a little like my dad. But then when DH showed the pics to his family and friends, they all say that he looks like him. Typical, lol! I guess we'll see in a few months. :)

-The belly has definitely exploded in the past month. Now nobody is shy about asking or saying anything. Except for the first day back at work after winter break, one student was apparently asking my assistant when I was out of the classroom because he was too nervous to ask me. She finally prompted him to ask me when I came back, but he wasn't sure what to say and said "Um....you have a big belly." Made for a great social skills lesson, and then my students got very excited that I am having a baby..... And then immediately started counting down the months until I will be gone because they seem to think they will get to break all the rules lol! Also, last week one of my students from last year approached me and said "Hey Mrs R, somebody told me that you're eating for 2 now....is that correct?" I told him "Yes, you heard correctly." Then he said, "Congratulations, Mrs. R. Is it from....um...I forgot his name.....is it from Mr. R?" Had me and another teacher cracking up- she said "This is not Jerry Springer here!" LOL! I know this student just wanted to find a way to talk about my DH since he met him before.....it just came out the wrong way. Another good social skills lesson.

- Before pregnancy, I used to see women in public rubbing all over their own pregnant belly and I thought they just looked smug. Now I realize how nearly impossible it is NOT to rub a little bit, especially when this little guy decides to start going wild and kicking while I'm out getting some groceries. I'm pretty sure he's destined to be the next Karate Kid, lol!

-DH finally got to feel movement a couple weeks ago. Anytime I felt baby moving a lot, I would grab DH's hand and put it on my belly and then...nothing. And then DH would just get impatient and take his hand away. Well one day I finally got him to touch it long enough to feel a little punch. He got so excited and I'm so glad; I think it finally made this feel more real to him. Now he takes the initiative to try and feel him move more, talk to him more, and at night he is sure to drape his arm over my belly while sleeping to feel as much as he can. Little one has been really active at my bedtime this past week so that's good timing.....for now ;)

-This past Thursday, I went in to do the glucose test. Haven't heard the results yet so I'm assuming we will find out at our OB appointment this Friday. I'm feeling a little bit nervous about it.

-We also got to tour the maternity ward at the hospital last week. Now I haven't seen any other maternity ward to compare this one to, but I was pretty impressed with the beds and how the nurse giving the tour seemed to encourage some natural methods. I have been reading up on the Bradley method (and highlighted the chapters for DH to read....if I can get him to read....) I'm also trying out Hypnobabies....not entirely sure how I feel about it yet but with a couple listens it has really helped me to feel relaxed. So hopefully I'll be able to use these techniques when the time comes. We are still searching for a doula.

Halfway point

2011-12-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday officially marked 20 weeks. Can't believe we are halfway through this pregnancy now! Here's the latest happenings:

- I started to feel movement at 18 weeks. I think I may have been feeling it before then, but by 18 weeks I was positive that all those little flutters and pops were the real deal. I sometimes can't keep from myself from giggling when I feel him move, because it is so amazing.

- We had the "20 week ultrasound" this past Thursday (less than 20 weeks, I know). They had already received my results from the 1st & 2nd trimester prenatal screenings; all negative. Everything was measuring just as it should. And no "surprise" gender change: it's definitely still a boy. However, baby was being extremely stubborn and wouldn't move for them to be able to see all the views of the heart that they wanted. They couldn't even get any good looks at his face because he was keeping his head tucked down at his chest. So we had to schedule another u/s for the 29th. No complaints here! The more we can look at baby boy the better! :)

- There is definitely no denying I have a baby bump now. More people at work have started asking, and saying they had been noticing for a while but hesitant to ask. It's pretty exciting! The funny thing is I still haven't told my students, and they haven't noticed. One of my co-workers said that maybe they have noticed, but are too scared to say anything. Nope, not these kids. With deficits in social skills, they would definitely blurt it out if they had any suspicions of my bump. However, the student who would be most likely to go "OMG YOU HAVE A BABY IN YOUR BELLY!" has not said that, but twice had told me that I really needed to "get a child" so that I won't be lonely when my husband goes to work....And then proceeded to try to get the rest of the class to vote on whether or not I should have a child. Of course, I turned that into a teachable moment on why it is not appropriate to ask other people about having kids, or to tell people that they should have kids (or especially to take a vote on it). Still had me and my assistant cracking up though.

- After having so people notice I'm pregnant, and being nearly at the halfway point, on Friday evening I decided that it was time to come out of the closet on Facebook. DH was really against it at first, saying that I always got mad when other people announced on FB. I explained that I did not get angry at pregnancy announcements themselves, even though there have been times I couldn't help but feel a little bitter, especially if it was announced in such a way/so early that made it obvious that it was quite easy for them to conceive or that they take it for granted. What makes me angry is when people announce/update with complaints (especially of weight gain) or give any other sense of ungratefulness. So what we wanted to do was share our joy, yet at the same time acknowledge those who may still be struggling and share hope that they will be blessed someday, someway, somehow. I am not joking when I tell you that we deliberated for hours on what to post (oh, how we put so much thought into social networking these days), and finally decided to say:
"It is such a miracle to feel a human being moving and kicking inside of me. I wish everybody was able to experience this, and my heart breaks for those who never can. But God has a wealth of miracles in store for everyone, even when we don't know what his exact plan will be. I can't wait for [DH] and I to meet our son in just 20 weeks and see what other wonders God will work in our lives."
We got an enormous amount of responses. I just hope I still did not unintentionally cause any bitterness, because it was not that long ago for me; I have not forgotten.

The first "suspicions"

2011-11-28T19:12:00.000-08:00

This afternoon, my assistant informed me that 2 of the speech therapists asked her if I was pregnant. Because "her belly wouldn't look like that if she was just gaining weight." I guess this is for real for real: I have officially crossed into the realm of causing others to be suspicious, and it's not just all that Thanksgiving turkey talking.

But of course, I'm sure all that turkey helped a little. :)

What's been happening in the past month.....

2011-11-27T10:55:00.000-08:00

Here I am at almost 17 weeks.....I'd say an update is long overdue right? Ack. The problem is I have so much I want to write about that it overwhelms me and I keep putting it off. Now I have too much to write about so I'll have to give a slightly condensed version of what's been happening:

The NT scan:
We had the NT scan on October 31. It was nice to get a long look at our little one. Although I must say, I did actually get bored while the u/s tech was taking some of the measurements. I seriously could watch the little hands and feet all day instead of looking at the brain lol! The good thing is that they burned a DVD of the u/s so we can watch it whenever we like! As far as screening results, everything was looking good and right on track. The only thing abnormal was small jugular lymphatic sacs, but the doctor said that is not very significant since there are no other abnormalities, and this is something that will usually go away later on in the pregnancy.
Also.....the u/s tech asked us if we wanted to know the sex if it was possible to tell, so we said yes. Sure enough, when we got to that part of the u/s, we could definitely see something. I thought that 13 weeks was still a little too early to tell, but the tech and the doctor were so certain that they put "male fetus" on the report. So now we are thinking blue and ~~arguing over~~ trying to pick a boy name. ;)

The new OB:
I went for a consultation with a new OB the week after my NT scan. DH wasn't able to come with me so I went alone. But that's ok: for the most part it was uneventful other than getting to hear the heartbeat on the Doppler. I'm not sure yet how I feel about this OB. I was trying not to judge the book by its cover and let the fact that he is reeeeeally old get to me. He was just a bit odd, but never did or said anything that made me uncomfortable. I did ask a couple questions about his views on induction and laboring options, and his views seem in agreement with mine. I know I still have plenty of time to switch OBs if I need to.

Now let's talk about.......

The sickness:
Well, vomiting is at a running total of 6 times so far. Hopefully I will have no more of that. But it usually happens in the morning when I haven't eaten enough yet and/or I get grossed out by a smell (i.e. the kitchen trash that DH didn't take out) or even just the thought of something gross. Just the other day, I almost threw up again. I had just gotten up and hadn't eaten just yet and thought about how sick I felt that it made me gag once.......the gag made me run to the toilet and I kept gagging but fortunately I had nothing in my stomach to expel.
Also, most of my food aversions have gone away. I am finally able to eat a little bit of cooked greens again, although I'm not back at the point where I go "Hmmm, I think I'll have a can of spinach today!" Still a bit grossed out by smelling seafood, but really I don't like seafood anyway. I have managed to eat tilapia one time so far, but still definitely going to limit my fish intake.
(By the way, DH and I keep arguing over whether or not mayonnaise/sauces made with mayonnaise should be safe or not. I can't find any really conclusive answers on the internet. Anybody know???)

Sleep:
Isn't it too early in the pregnancy to be so uncomfortable? I did buy one of those pregnancy body pillows and I like it. But the annoying thing is I can't sleep on one side all night. I am always waking up with a burning pain in my hip on whichever side I'm lying on, like a pressure sore. So then I have to turn over and try to take the whole body pillow with me, or sit up to flip the pillow and then turn over. Sometimes I just say forget the pillow, but then I am still uncomfy. What the heck am I going to do in the 3rd tri??? I don't know.

The belly:
For the last couple weeks, DH has been kinda obsessed with feeling my uterus. He says it feels like a balloon. He also says that I'm starting to "show" a little bit, and my co-workers who know about it say the same thing. I'm still not quite sure that what they're seeing is actually a "baby bump" and not just a little plump gut, lol. I don't plan to make any kind of "announcement" at work; I'll just let the pregnancy announce itself. If the different pants I'm wearing haven't given it away, I'm pretty sure that once I start showing up to work in sweater dresses and leggings, people will know something's up. (That's actually how I figured out a co-worker was last year: "Hey.....she never wears dresses to work....") I'm also curious to see how long it will take my students to figure it out, and who will be the first one to say something.

And in other news:
We are moving! And at the same time, we are not moving. I originally planned to try to find a place to move into in January, and had been keeping my eye on craigslist to get an idea of what we could find. But I really like the area we are in and don't want to move far from it because it is such a convenient location. Right down the street from us, there is UCLA housing for grad students/families. It looked really nice because the buildings are newer, and plus it has a playground onsite. But, I know that with campus housing comes very long waiting lists. Plus when I looked at the pictures online, it actually seemed like the space was smaller than what we'd like.
So I'd been looking around on craigslist, but then I noticed that our building had the "2 bedrooms" sign out front. After going to view one other apt in the area that ended up being too small, plus a difficult parking situation, we decided to ask our landlord about taking a look at the 2br apt in our building.....And....we....love it! It has 1 & 1/2 bathrooms, tons of closet/storage space (including an outside storage locker, which we didn't get with this unit), newer carpet and newer tile flooring (the floor in our current kitchen looks like something from the 70s, seriously), and even a balcony with a nice view. Of course, the cost is a bit more, but DH & I talked about it and decided we can make this work, and it will definitely be worth it. He signed the contract last week and the landlord went ahead and gave us the keys so we can start moving stuff at our own pace. The best part is that we literally just have to move stuff across the other side of the courtyard. No packing. No stairs to go up and down. This will be the easiest move EVER.

How not to be pregnant on Facebook

2011-10-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm just crazy. Here I am with a healthy pregnancy, almost into the 2nd trimester. Couldn't be more excited. And yet.... pregnancy announcements and updates on Facebook still bug the crap out of me.

Now don't get me wrong. I really am happy for my pregnant FB friends. It's just the "Hey FB world, check out my pee stick!" or the "We haven't even had our first doctor appointment yet but we're going to announce this pregnancy with a picture of the onesies we already went out and bought", followed by several obnoxious and/or "complaining" status updates. That's what gets to me.

Of course, I will eventually need to come out on FB, but I am going to hold out at least until this becomes obvious to people IRL. DH thinks we shouldn't need to announce on FB at all. But the thing is, I know my family will be uploading a slew of pictures come Christmas time. So I'd rather make a tasteful announcement sometime before all my FB friends get bombarded with pics that may include Ruth+more.

After witnessing much obnoxious FB behavior from others, I have come up with a list of things I vow never to do once I go public. Seriously readers, if I break any of these you have my full permission to slap me straight:

I vow to demonstrate an awareness that the majority of my friends do not need to see objects that have recently come in contact with my bodily fluids.
Hey everybody! Check out this TP I just wiped with.....wait, you mean that's not socially acceptable??

I vow never to disclose the explicit details of what just came out of my stomach.
......or rather, what's NOT coming out. Status update: "I just wish I could poop. Oh the joys of pregnancy..."

I vow never to complain of weight gain, or of all the things I'm not allowed to have.
Wishing for a drink? Seriously? Alcohol is the LAST thing I want to think about going in my mouth. Of course there are some things I miss.... Status update: "I just wish I could get freaky nasty with my hubby again, without being uncomfortable. Oh the woes of carrying a child in my uterus...."

I solemnly swear never to use the word "prego" unless I'm discussing a recipe for chicken parmesan.
Ok ok I know, that's just my own damn problem and I need to get over my disdain for that word. DH is trying to desensitize me by calling me "prego" and "preggy" and every other name in the book.

Even if this pregnancy consumes me, I promise not to let it consume those on my news feed.
Susy: "I just discovered that I like coffee."
   comment: "I love coffee! But I can't have any because I'm pregnant."
(This was an actual exchange I saw between 2 FB friends)

Sally: "I'm so happy I aced my psychology exam today!"
   comment: "Hooray! I aced my exam too...at the OB's office....because I'm pregnant!"

Places: Sammy was at The Grocery Mart on Grocery Avenue.
   comment: "Hey while you're there, could you get me some pickles? I'm all out. It's an emergency....because I'm pregnant!"

Selma: "I'm loving this beautiful weather today."
   comment: "Me too. Did I mention that I'm pregnant????"

Pomp and Circumstance

2011-10-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

Today was graduation day from my RE's office. Which is great because baby is perfectly healthy, but it was pretty emotional. I was really choking back tears when they handed me a "graduation present" (a sonogram frame. awww!) That's ok. Someday we'll be back to give our other 3 little embies a chance.... someday.

On to the details: Our little one was totally wiggling and kicking and flipping around today. I am so in love with watching baby on the screen. The RE made sure to show us lots of good angles of the baby. At one point I thought I saw......something *extra* but nobody said anything. After the RE & nurse left and I was getting dressed, DH goes "....did you see something in between the legs?" (BTW, he reeeeally wants a girl). I said yes, but I thought it was too early to tell and maybe it was the umbilical cord. But then when I was getting my blood drawn, the nurse said "Guess what? *I think it's a boyyyy*" I guess we'll know for sure in a few weeks or so.

Now the next step is to do the NT scan. My RE wants me to make sure I get it done by 13 weeks, so he gave me a couple perinatology recommendations. (Just had a hilarious realization: I kept trying to figure out why one of the names sounded so familiar. Now I know......won't say the name. Just that this doctor shares the same name as someone who became famous for singing "Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground!" LOL!!! Oh well, good thing I already decided on the other doctor. Otherwise I may not be able to keep a straight face haha!)

My RE also gave me a few recommendations for OBs at the hospital I want to deliver at. I gave him the name of one I'd heard good reviews about (ok ok, so I yelped doctors. Is that so bad?). Let's call her Dr M, but he didn't recognize the name and said before I left, he wanted me to look up a list of OBs in that hospital group that would be covered under my insurance, so he would recommend a few. Because, he said, he would rather I go with somebody that he knows.... Ok that's probably the one weird vibe I've gotten from this doctor. And the funny thing: his "#1 recommendation" was someone I already really did not like judging from his online reviews (Let's call him Dr. B). This afternoon I was talking with a coworker who recently had a baby at that hospital and said she really loved her OB there. She had to have 1 encounter with Dr. B and she really did not like how he talked to her. Guess who was her regular OB: Dr. M! However, Dr. M is on maternity leave now. So I figure I can go with one of the other names my RE gave me, and if I don't like that OB, I could always switch to another one in the same group. Besides, I know that when it comes to the actual delivery, it could be anybody doing it. I've already started talking with DH about how I think it is really important that we hire a doula. That's a topic for a whole other post. :)

Still alive and well

2011-10-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

I guess it's about time I write a little update. Didn't mean to leave any of you readers hanging with the fifth disease scare. I have been sooooooooooooooo busy with school. Anyway, this is what's been going on in the life of Ruth:

Fifth Disease:

I went in for the bloodwork, which came back negative (I've never had it). They want me to come back for some follow-up bloodwork in a couple weeks to make sure I haven't been exposed since the first test. I haven't had any symptoms, and I rarely ever come in contact with the "little kids" at my school, so I think I should be ok.

Ultrasound:

My last u/s was on Oct. 1st (at almost 9 weeks). It was awesome because our little one was actually starting to look human. At previous u/s, my RE would point out the head forming, and it still just looked like a blob to me. This time, I could recognize the head and body as soon as baby came on the screen. Of course, my eyes are still very untrained. When I asked "are those the little arms and legs?" the RE zoomed in to show me. "See, here's an arm. Look! Here's a knee." A knee???!!! Seriously, how can he see this? We also saw the baby move a little bit at one point. So exciting! My next u/s is this Thursday (it's been a long wait). Tomorrow will be my last day taking estrogen & progesterone, then on Thursday they will test to see if my body is producing enough on its own.

Symptoms:

Well, 3 weeks ago when I last posted, I was having the week from hell. The antibiotic I was taking made me soooooo sick. I threw up twice that week, missed another day of work (in addition to the Monday I was on "bed rest"), and even had to stay behind at school with a student rather than go with my class on a field trip to the beach because of how nauseous I was. That whole week I felt like it was a chore to eat anything, like I had to try really hard to just swallow food without gagging.

Since then, I haven't been as nauseous, but I've definitely developed some food aversions. For instance, at the beginning of pregnancy I always wanted spinach. Now the thought of any leafy green makes me sick. Also boiled eggs; I don't even want to think about that texture going down my throat. Oh yes, and there are some definite smell aversions. DH likes to keep cooking seafood for himself & his friend, which does not make my nose happy at all. Last weekend I was so mad when he made the whole place smell like clams. Gotta count my blessings though: at least he hasn't brought shutki into this house (look it up). And last night he made me some chicken korma, after I begged him to please stop the experimenting and make something I know I like.

Sleep: It's getting pretty uncomfortable. At least I am no longer going for hours at a time without being able to fall asleep. But I do wake up several times feeling uncomfortable and having to switch over to sleep on my other side. Before pregnancy, I was a tummy sleeper, but now have learned to sleep on my side. I know they say the left side is best, especially later on, but right now I feel much better to sleep on my right side. The last few days I've been feeling a sharp pain in my left hip, so I try not to put pressure on that side. I read about sciatic nerve pain in early pregnancy, but I'm not sure if that's what it is.

Weight gain: I think I have gained a total of......1 pound....maybe. Although it feels like so much more. I feel so bloated all the time. Fortunately, I had lost about 15-18 pounds after moving to LA, and kept a lot of my old pants, so those are coming in really handy. However, I did invest in a pair of maternity pants for work. I also bought one of those stretchy bands to wear over my regular pants, but I still feel too constricted when I wear it. I'm just ready to actually start "showing" so I can have more proof that this is actually real. :)

Now what?.....

2011-09-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

After getting the all-clear from the RE yesterday, I thought I would be able to come back to work today drama-free.

Not so.

I had just gotten to my class and then 5 minutes later, our clinical supervisor walked in and says "Hi, I heard that you might be pregnant?" (What? I have hardly told anyone at work but now it's going through the grapevine). She went on, "I have a reason for asking: there's been a child here diagnosed with fifth disease, so you need to call your doctor to let them know there's been an exposure in the school."

Great. Something new to scare me. Though from what I've read, the chances of getting serious complications from an exposure are very low. But still not any chance I want to take! I called the RE's office, and the receptionist said she'd pass the message on and have one of the nurses call me back. Well I waited all day for them to call, but in the meantime I just made sure to keep a good distance (as much as possible) from the kids and made sure to wash my hands plenty. The nurse finally called again around 2:30 and said that they wanted me to come in tomorrow for a test to see if I've been exposed before.

I think my RE's office might be sick of seeing me after this week, lol!

All is well

2011-09-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

I went in for my follow-up with the RE this morning. Took a look at the area that the ER doctor was talking about, but my RE says he's not even sure if it's really a hematoma. Bottom line, it's definitely nothing to worry about. However, he did tell me to stop taking the baby aspirin, just in case. And no GOFO allowed. Don't really feel like that anyway since this UTI and the antibiotic I have to take for it make me feel blehhhh.

Next u/s is Saturday morning. My uterus sure is getting a lot of attention lately lol!

Little Scare

2011-09-25T10:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was quite an eventful day for us. Fortunately, baby is still perfectly ok, but we did have a little bit of a scare (I will warn you it is TMI):

It started yesterday morning when I did my first suppository. I noticed a little pinkish discharge on the applicator afterwards, but thought maybe I just pushed it in too far and irritated my cervix...or something like that. I was using the bathroom a lot throughout the morning, but didn't see any more pink.

DH and I had planned to have a day at the mall window shopping for baby stuff (and maybe to buy some comfy work pants because I am quickly running out!). We ate at the food court first and then I had to go to the bathroom again. I had a lot of white discharge from the suppository, but there was also a little glob of dark bloody mucus. Since there was no more blood when I wiped, I again thought maybe it was from my cervix being irritated by the suppository. But it definitely killed my mood to walk around the mall so we went home.

We both took a little nap at home, but when I woke up I noticed some strange cramping on my left side. Even though I was not bleeding anymore, and I know cramping can be normal, we decided to go to the ER just to be sure and to put our minds at ease.

Of course, we all know how very quickly thinks move in the ER (ha!). So long story short: after giving a urine sample, getting some blood drawn, and getting an u/s, they determined I have a small subchorionic hemorrhage. And also a UTI.

As I said earlier, the good thing is that the baby is still measuring fine and the heartbeat is still good. They said the hemorrhage does not seem to be affecting the baby at all, so the threat of miscarriage is very low. However, I am on bedrest until I can get in to see my RE (hopefully tomorrow).

....and growing!

2011-09-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

The good news is... only 3 more days of PIO and then I get to switch to suppositories. Hooray for booty relief!

Now, the GREAT news is....baby is still perfectly healthy and growing strong! Nearly doubled in size since last week (now 9mm). And the heart rate is 144 bpm. I could spot it flickering away as soon as baby came on the screen!

The RE made sure to print out a few good u/s pics for me today. This one is my favorite because even though I know the head is just beginning to form, it totally looks like baby is chowing down on yolk sac lol!

"Mmmmmmm....delicious!"

My next u/s is in 10 days, and the RE says we will be discussing invasive vs. non-invasive options for prenatal testing. Oh boy will this be fun. :)

Baby, baby, can't you see my heartbeat?

2011-09-15T01:17:00.000-07:00

(Ok, I meant to post this much earlier, but I was once again so exhausted I fell asleep very early)

Today's appointment (well, I guess yesterday afternoon's appointment) was just as perfect as we could have hoped for! We had had a little bet going on how many babies we had. DH thought 2, my [crazy] neighbor thought 3, and I thought 1.....

I won the bet. I was kind of hoping that maybe it would be twins, but I just knew it was 1. Everyone has been telling me "mother knows best." I guess that's true. :)

The absolute best part of yesterday, of course, was seeing that little flickering heartbeat!!! It was so magical!!!!! And the heart rate was a very healthy 126 bpm! We are so thankful!!!!

Now the only *bad* thing about today, was that I asked the RE if I could PLEASE switch from injections to suppositories, but he wants me to continue the PIO for 10 more days and after next week's visit, he'll give me the ok to switch (maybe?). Boooooooo. I've been doing the PIO for 4 weeks now, I have HUGE lumps in my booty, and it's sooooooooooooooo sore. But hey, I'll do whatever it takes to keep me & baby healthy.

Beta #2

2011-08-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

206!!!!!!

My levels decided to more than TRIPLE in 48 hours!!! DH thinks this means I have more than 1 baby in there. I said not necessarily. No more bloodwork for now. Just waiting another 2 weeks until we get to have the 1st ultrasound.....and hoping I don't go crazy waiting in the meantime.

Update on symptoms: Other than the bloated feeling, we have noticed since around Sunday that my BBs have definitely gotten bigger/fuller. I already have a pretty good sized chest, but now my nipples are GINORMOUS! LOL

Also, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping for the past few days. I will fall asleep around my usual time, 10 or 11 (usually while watching TV). But then just sleep 2-3 hours before having to get up to pee. Then after that, when I come back to bed, I just can NOT get comfortable and can NOT sleep for like 3 hours until I fall asleep for another 2 hours and then get up. Yesterday evening, I was already feeling tired after my 7:30 PIO shot. I was telling myself I can NOT go to sleep or else I'll be awake all night. So I begged DH to take me somewhere just to keep me awake and alert. We decided to just go for a little walk.

While we were walking, I was telling DH about how much trouble I am having getting to sleep at night. Then he asked me if I wanted a new mattress. You see, the mattress we have now, we've had it for 4 years.... but it was used before then. My mom got it at a garage sale somewhere and at the time it was great because anything was better than sharing a twin bed. But it is really not very comfortable. Now it just so happens that tomorrow (Thursday) is my birthday, and DH was stressing about what to do/get for my birthday. (He's just not good at thinking of any gift that is not practical, and besides I don't even wear jewelry that often). So we decided to walk down the street to the mattress store (gotta love living in the city) to take a look. We ended up finding one that I really like that was on sale, and DH was willing to just go ahead and order it.

Isn't that ironic? Going for a walk just to stay awake, only to end up buying something to sleep on. LOL

And the beta is.....

2011-08-29T17:29:00.000-07:00

60!

They said they like to see it at least over 50 by this point, so I am pregnant.... fo shizzle! :) I'm just a tad disappointed because I was hoping for some whopping high, possible twin-range 1st beta like I see so many blog friends have. But hey, pregnant is pregnant so I'm definitely taking what I can get!!! Praying it doubles (or more than doubles) by Wednesday. :D

After this morning's bloodwork, I just want to say how much I really freakin love my doctor and his office. Actually, even before we started the IVF, even when I was just doing the SHG a few months ago, I was already impressed with his bedside manner compared to other doctors we've had. (Then again, it could just be that I've only had really mean doctors. My RE in OK seemed more interested in my charts and my ovaries than me as a person). For my baseline u/s, my RE was out of town and I had to go to his partner doctor in Beverly Hills. I felt like that office was too big and impersonal, the nurses seemed bitchy, and the doctor was just weird.
This morning I was waiting in the waiting room longer than usual (to be expected on a Monday morning, I suppose). There was an older lady in there, as well as a couple. I think the guy must have said something about the waiting time because the other lady told him that it's nothing to do with them, and that this doctor was very well worth the wait. For the couple it was only their 2nd visit, but the lady had already gotten pregnant with his help a couple years before. So we were all sitting there talking about how awesome this doctor is. The lady said that with her last pregnancy, she had an OBGYN that was so mean that she fired him and was begging the RE to deliver her baby (which of course, he doesn't do) until she finally found a new one. LOL Nice to know we went through a doctor with that good of a rep.
When I was called back to get my blood drawn (after peeing in a cup, of course), the nurse asked me if I had tested at home. I told her yes, 3 times and they were positive. I said "But I know that doesn't mean much if my beta is low." She assured me that a lot of times they see low betas at first, but then everything turns out to be fine. She was also doing a pee test while she took my blood, and sure enough we got a line. She went to go tell the doctor, then the other nurse (who is the one usually taking my blood and accompanying the ultrasounds) came over and looked at the test with a huge grin on her face. The doctor came over and looked at the test, then gave me a hug and everybody was saying "Congratulations!" It was such a nice feeling to have the whole office get as excited as I was; like one big happy family LOL :)

I am SOOOOO glad I was recommended to this RE. Which would not have been possible had I not been given a recommendation for an AWESOME urologist by Emmy. Thanks Emmy!!!

Unofficially....official?

2011-08-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

I meant to do this post last night, but I was so exhausted I just fell asleep. These last few days have been crazy emotional!

First, an update on my "symptoms": since Wednesday night I noticed that my BBs would feel pretty sore and sensitive whenever I'd take my bra off. (But this wasn't happening much since most of the time I was at home wearing very loose-fitting clothing and no bra.) The painful, nauseating cramps went away after Wednesday. When I went in for my bloodwork on Thursday, I told the nurse about those and she said the progesterone is what does that. However, I have continued to have this.....feeling below my stomach. Hard to describe because it's not really a "cramping" feeling. It's like a dull pressure/heaviness/bloated feeling. And it is constant, making it really uncomfortable for me to wear anything but stretchy exercise shorts or pants that are too big for me. This is the one symptom that has been driving me crazy because it is so unusual and unlike AF symptoms.

So I planned to hold out until Sunday morning to test, thinking that since I only had one HPT in the house the desire to save money would tide me over. Ha! By Friday night, I was already getting anxious to test. That night, I couldn't sleep too well. I went to bed around 11:30, woke up around 2:30 to go to the bathroom, came back to bed, and had the weirdest dream. I dreamed that I used the HPT and the test line instantly turned really dark (the way it did morning after my HCG trigger). Then I wanted to surprise DH with the test by leaving it by the computer table, but when he finally came to look at it, it was completely blank as if it hadn't been used at all.

I woke up from that dream around 5:45 and had to go to the bathroom again (but not much). Thought I would go back to sleep but I just could NOT sleep after that. I kept thinking "Should I test or not test? Was this dream a sign to test or not test? I surely won't even get a dark line this early, but I should get something right?" Ok I eventually got out of bed about an hour later, having made up my mind that I would test. But I made the stupid decision of trying to drink a lot of water to make myself go instead of holding it for longer. So I used it, and thought I saw a line appear right after the control line, but it was sooo sooo faint I wasn't sure whether or not I was just imagining it. It was like deja vu of the olden days, when I would try so hard to make myself see a line when it was obvious there was no way I was pregnant.

So then, I did what any woman in my shoes would do......consult Dr. Google. Sure, THAT will calm my crazy head. After agonizing over what a 9dp3dt BFP should look like, I decided that I would go out and buy more tests. So I told DH I was going to get some shaving razors (hey it's true, I DID need razors). But he figured me out anyway; after he got up he was like "Did you buy more tests?" That man can read me like a book.

I told him that we needed to go somewhere today because I just HAD to get out of the house. We decided to go to the beach, but not until his friend came over several hours later. Just enough time for me to go even more crazy on the internet. So then we did drive to the beach....except the whole road was jam packed and there was absolutely NO parking ANYWHERE, so we just drove back home. That was a wasted hour. So we sat outside by the pool and played a card game to pass the time. Then the boys decided to jump in the pool.

While they were swimming, I decided it was time to go inside and test again. (I had made sure to hold my pee for at least a good 4 hours). I started to see a line very soon after the control line showed up. Then I started screaming/squealing/laughing to myself because the line kept getting darker! It was not "dark" but there was no way it was imaginary this time! Now I always thought that I would try to find some nifty way to "surprise" DH if I ever got a BFP, but I just couldn't keep it to myself! I ran out to tell him (or rather, I briskly waddled because of the heavy/bloated feeling). Of course he was in disbelief (I think he still is). I tested again yesterday morning: once again, BFP! So I called my mom before church to tell her the news and ask her to keep praying that however many little babies have latched on, for them to hold on tight for the next 9 & 1/2 months!

Last night, I tested AGAIN (okay, POAS addict here) so that DH could see it in action. I tried with a cheapie from the Dollar Tree first, and got nothing. DH was like "What? What's going on?" I'll admit I was freaking out just a little too, but figured that the cheapie must not detect as well as the others. So DH told me to use the pricey FRER, and sure enough, we got a line! I had him take a picture while we were still within the 10-minute time window (I couldn't get a good enough picture on my camera with the previous tests).

Ta-da!

(Okay, you probably have to click to see it better)

And here it is again, next to the old tests:

I go in for the BETA this morning. Even with 3 BFPs at home, I'm still soo nervous about this. (High numbers please please please....)

Stupid side effects :(

2011-08-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, we have resolved the issue with the PIO shots.....and by resolved, I mean that I've fired DH and my neighbor is continuing to do them. Hey, she actually enjoys it, I guess it gives her something to do. I still make DH draw it up for me though (I think he likes playing scientist with the syringe, just not stabbing me lol).

Today is 6dp3dt, and I'm beginning to fear that this didn't work. Beta is not until Monday. I have ONE hpt in my house, so I'm planning to hold off on testing until at least Saturday or Sunday. However, it seems that I had more "symptoms" right after the transfer (when it was DEFINITELY too early for pg symptoms) and those have all seemed to wean off now. I think I have yet to have any symptoms that are enough to convince me they could be implantation/early pg symptoms.

Here's what I have been feeling:

2-3dp3dt: Sore BBs (particularly the left): WAY too early: obviously a progesterone side effect. Now my BBs are not sore at all.

2dp3dt-present: Lower back pain: Progesterone? Pressure sore from lying down a lot? Or just the fact that I have a really crappy back anyway?

4-5dp3dt: Waking up in the wee hours of the morning or right after a nap with EXTREMELY PAINFUL cramping throughout the whole midsection that lasts about 5 minutes (TMI ALERT: the last time it happened, the cramping was relieved by using the bathroom): Implantation? (very doubtful) Or gas pain from the PIO?

4dp3dt-present: Mild, dull cramping and/or bloating feeling around the uterine area: Implantation? Or just the PIO & Estrace playing more mind games with me?

5dp3dt: Random cramping in right leg: ....actually I have no clue what that's all about. Estrace side effect, maybe?

5dp3dt: Irritability: PMS? Or just from being on pelvic rest for so long I can't remember the last time we GOFO? lol

PIO: piece of....

2011-08-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

Well, it finally happened: Last night we had our first PIO freakout/meltdown.

As I mentioned before, my neighbor had been coming over at 7:30 every night to give me the PIO shot. Whichever side she was doing the shot on, I would lean the opposite leg onto the couch to shift my weight onto it, and then she would stick me faster than I knew what happened lol.

Anyway Thursday night, since I had been laying in bed pretty much all day, DH decided to go ahead and give me the shot so I could stay near the bed. After cleaning my left side with the alcohol swab, I leaned into the same position, and DH gave the shot perfectly: just a little pinch, didn't hurt. I was so proud of him. So we assumed last night should be just as easy, but no.

First of all, I was watching TV and then DH turned the TV off. I was like "Hey! I was watching it! That was my distraction!" So he turned it back on. I got into position, and DH made the stupid mistake of saying "Are you ready?" Now why'd he have to do that? Now I was anticipating it. And when he tried to stick me it actually HURT this time, and I moved a little as a reflex. Great. So DH changed the needle and we tried again. Same thing happened, and then he got mad: "Why do you keep moving?? The needle was halfway in and when you move it comes out!" I said he must have been doing it too slow if it was able to "come out" that quickly.

He went next door to ask my neighbor if she could do it. She wasn't there, but her roommate said she should be nearby; she just went for a walk. However, she had left her phone at the apt so there was no way of calling her. So I just sat on the couch waiting and crying because I was too chicken to let DH try again. I'm not sure if I was more worried about him hurting me or about screwing up and wasting needles.

Finally at 8:25 (hey, they say to do the shot "within the same hour" so we're good) I was about ready to give in and let DH try again after he suggested maybe I should lay down flat. So I went to the bed and then my neighbor walked in, so of course we let her do the shot instead. Then, she took the used needle and made DH practice stabbing an orange. She goes "Look, here's her butt. Just *STAB* it in there real quick like that. See?" Well I tell you DH stabbed the heck out of that orange lol! Then he looked at me and said "You're right. I think I WAS too slow with it."

So now I'm not sure what will happen tonight. I still don't know if I trust DH with a needle...lol! I'll take any tips from you ladies out there.

On a side note: since Thursday's transfer, a lot of people have been asking me "What are you gonna do if you have triplets???" Even though the chances are low, I know there's still that possibility. Yikes. We wouldn't mind twins, but if we found out all 3 implanted I think I would mostly be worried about whether or not my body would be able to handle it. But we are against selectively aborting, so if that did happen we would just take the best care of my body and pray for the best. Whatever will be, will be. :)

I'm "unofficially pregnant!!!!!"

2011-08-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

This morning's embryo transfer was full of lots of good news and surprises:

First of all, it turns out that our 2 late-maturing eggs did fertilize after all, so we have a total of 6 little embies! They are of course a little behind on the growing, so they are both at 4 cells right now. Out of our initial 4 embies, 2 of them are right on target at 8 cells (my RE gave them an "A" and an "A+"!) and the other 2 are growing a little slower at 5 cells now. My RE said that for our age group, 2 should be enough. But he decided he wanted to go ahead and transfer one of the 5-cells as well, for "insurance" as he put it. He thinks that our other 3 should be able to make it to freeze. However, the embryologist said that one of the 4-cells may have some problem. She said it's "too big" or "too uneven." We'll see.

I'm just so excited that right now I am PUPO with 3 little embabies!!!! (To my readers unfamiliar with the lingo: no it has nothing to do with the life cycle of a caterpillar. ;) It means "pregnant until proven otherwise")

The lab gave us a couple pictures today. I joked with DH that all the Fertile Facebookers who post a million ultrasound pics on their page, they never get to have THESE! lol (Don't worry, I have absolutely no intention of putting these on FB)

Here are our 3 embryos pre-transfer:

And post-transfer:

So now I am on bedrest for 3 days to help these little ones snuggle up nice and tight. I am trying my best to lay/sit as still as I can for long periods of time. My legs get awfully fidgety though, so I'm trying to fight it lol!

DH is being very sweet helping out. I had read that pineapple (or particularly pineapple core) is supposed to help with implantation, so he went out to the grocery store to buy me one. Then he said he wanted to make a list of what we have to eat, so he wrote out a "menu" for me, sectioned by "proteins," "veggies," "fruit," "dairy," "carbs," and best of all "condom." You would think that's his way of abbreviating "condiments," except the list includes: peanut butter, cashew butter, soup, and pickles.... He says "condom" is his own category lol!

We've got embies!!!

2011-08-16T14:16:00.000-07:00

The doctor's office called me a little before noon today: Out of the 9 eggs they got, 4 of them are now fertilized!!! They said there were 2 more they did ICSI on, but trying to get them to mature so we could end up with 6. I would be more than thrilled if they did, but I know the chances are slim. I'm just so ecstatic that we actually have 4 of our OWN little embryos out there waiting for us. GROW, EMBIES, GROW!

On a side note, I have to say that DH and I are both really surprised about our recovery from yesterday. I had always thought that DH would come out of this procedure grasping his junk and whimpering with pain. Instead, I was the one all crampy and sore, waddling around and needing help getting into the car. At home, DH only sat on ice for about 20-30 minutes. But only because I requested him to for good measure, not because he felt he needed it. He has really not been in much pain at all. Meanwhile,all day yesterday it hurt me to stand up, sit down, lay down, etc. I almost freaked out thinking I might be getting OHSS last night when I saw I had gained 5 pounds, but I was not having any other severe OHSS symptoms. So I've just been drinking plenty of water and when I got up this morning, my weight was back to normal.

Also, I had my first PIO shot last night. And once again, my neighbor did it for me. She actually came to my door in the afternoon and asked me what time to do the shot, and I hadn't even asked her to lol! But she seems so eager to stick me, and is so gentle with it that maybe I'll make it a regular thing haha. DH did help by drawing up the PIO and then massaging the area for me afterwards, so it's not like he's completely out of the process. ;) Here's hoping tonight's shot goes just as smoothly.

MESA and Egg retrieval story

2011-08-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

Just got back home from the egg retrieval and MESA! (That is, after stopping for breakfast afterwards- we were starving!!) Everything went very smoothly; piece of cake! Here is the long story:

This morning I woke up around 5:30, feeling very nervous. I couldn't tell if it was butterflies in my stomach or just my ovaries feeling gigantic and torturing me. I woke DH up around 6:20 and we started getting ready. I got a small bag of stuff together(socks, jockstrap, pads, a couple oranges), which we ended up not even needing because the facility provided stuff for us. Our friend (today's chauffeur) ate a little bit (making me jealous lol!) and then we hit the road.

We got to the facility at 7:15, and DH was the first to sign paperwork, then they brought him back. I saw his doctor walk through the door at about 7:35, and DH said they started around 7:45. First, they gave him a couple shots in the sac to numb him. He says it didn't hurt too bad and after that he didn't feel anything and they went to work getting those swimmers out. DH says first the doctor collected a sample and then left the room to examine it (he said it was weird that he was left with his balls just hanging open for a few minutes lol). Doctor said he had plenty of sperm, but he wanted to get some more for freezing, so he took a little more, and then stitched him up. I was so surprised when DH came walking into the waiting room at around 8:25 all smiles, didn't seem in pain at all. (I think the pain meds still haven't worn off quite yet; we'll see how we're doing in a few hours).

All while DH was in the operating room, I was waiting outside feeling almost nauseous with nervousness. Don't know why because at least I got to be asleep and DH had to be awake. Anyway, my anesthesiologist came out around 8:15, then my RE arrived at the office about 5 minutes later. At 8:30 they took me back to get changed and then I went to the operating room. The anesthesiologist gave me a numbing shot before doing the IV, which didn't hurt a bit. As he was putting the IV in, my RE got me into position on his end and assured me that I wouldn't feel or remember a thing. The anesthesiologist told me he was giving something to relax me, and the RE said "You'll close your eyes and doze off in just a couple minutes." I looked at the clock and saw it was 8:45. Then I looked at the ceiling and started feeling sleepy, but I was so determined not to close my eyes while I was still conscious lol. The last thing I remember was the nurse putting the blood pressure monitor on my arm, then I woke up and it was 9:15. (Staples button: that was easy!) I was feeling pretty groggy and definitely crampy, but nothing too bad. The nurse gave me some juice and Tylenol and after 15 minutes I was ready to get up. Had to get dressed veeeeeeery slllloooooowly because of the cramps but it was still manageable.

So they managed to get 9 eggs from me. I won't hear a maturity/fertilization report until tomorrow. I'm just praying that this is enough.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow

2011-08-14T17:47:00.000-07:00

Last night's trigger shot went surprisingly well. However, DH was not the one giving it. Now don't worry, he didn't chicken out. I just did. I was so concerned about getting this shot JUST RIGHT, and I somewhat jokingly asked "should we find out if there's a licensed nurse in our building who can do it?" And DH replied, "....IS there a nurse here?" So I decided to find out. I went next door to ask my neighbor who pretty much knows everything about everybody. No nurses here, but it turns out she has gone through EMT training and she mentioned that she had a friend she helped by giving "those pregnancy shots." How convenient! :)
So I had her come over, DH helped to mix and draw up the HCG, then at precisely 8:30 I leaned over the couch and let my neighbor stick me. Didn't feel a thing; that was easy! Of course, just a few minutes later I could definitely feel something (and my bum is still sore)!
This morning I went ahead and decided to test the trigger with an HPT, and sure enough it turned positive instantly. So at least I know we got it right! But it was very weird for me to see that, wondering if I'll ever see another positive.

I'm trying to keep calm for tomorrow morning and pray that everything goes smoothly. I think it's the anesthesia that's got me worried the most. I'm just ready for it to be over and to have peace with whatever happens.
There's a song that my mom used to sing at church a long time ago, and lately it's been stuck in my head quite a bit. Particularly the line:

I know not what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future

I think it's very appropriate to our situation, and I pray that others like us may find the same comfort

Pulling the trigger

2011-08-13T17:44:00.000-07:00

This morning was my last office visit & u/s before the egg retrieval...which is Monday! AUGH!!!

So today we saw about 11-12 follicles. But of those, only 5 are really the lead follies (ranging from 16-18mm). Dr said he didn't want to continue stims because he is most concerned about those leads, and doesn't want them to become post-mature by the retrieval. As for the other eggs, he says they *may* be able to mature them in the lab after retrieval. We shall see.

Tonight is the HCG trigger! This is my first intramuscular injection, so DH is stepping up his game and doing it for me. This time he will be sticking a 1&1/2 inch long needle in my ass instead of doodling on it. What joy!

Movin' right along

2011-08-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

Here I am, after 8 days of stims and boy let me tell you: the emotions are going wild! Especially yesterday morning, just about every little thing was making me cry. Even just looking at my bookshelf and the waterworks would just start from looking at the TITLES of some books. *sigh* I'm such a crybaby.
And, I probably shouldn't have been quick to say I'd be a "pro" at these injections. The Menopur mixing had been a little tricky for me at first, but certainly even more after trying to mix TWO vials. The other night, I just had the hardest time trying to draw up the saline without getting huge air bubbles in it. And after that, trying not to let the plunger move because it apparently has a mind of its own when there's too much air in the vials. After I'd done the very best I could, I was left with what was definitely not one FULL cc of solution, and I nearly broke down crying thinking that I just couldn't get it right and it would screw everything up. Last night I made DH mix it for me. He decided to forego the Q-cap and just use the long needle to draw up the meds instead. He actually seemed to be handling that syringe a lot better than I did. Still ended up with a *little* less than 1 full cc, but I suppose it was the best we could get.

Well yesterday afternoon I had my u/s and right away he saw that my lining was looking great at 7.7mm, so I guess the Menopur was working after all. (Oh, to answer a previous comment: yes, I have been taking the baby aspirin so I guess that is helping too). Then we checked what my ovaries are doing, and I think he only counted about 9 follicles. Mostly ranging from 11-14.5mm, but there were a couple small ones too. He said there were 6 "lead" follicles that he should definitely be able to use. According to him, everything was looking good and so there was no need to up any meds. However, I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. I guess I was hoping we could see more follies than that...I guess to have more of a "buffer" for error. But hey, if we get *just enough* to have a healthy baby, that's good enough for me. I have my next u/s tomorrow morning, so we will see how the follies are doing. My ovaries have been KILLING me these last couple of days (seriously, today I can barely walk without feelin' the pain) so I hope that means we'll see some really GOOD ones. I should be triggering tomorrow night, and then Monday is the egg retrieval/MESA. This past week, the fear finally got to me and I started feeling really nervous and queasy looking at the chart at the Dr's office that explains the retrieval. Yikes!

Funny story: At the appointment yesterday, the Dr. told DH "[Your doctor] should be calling you within the next couple of days to let you know what you need before the MESA. Now, he'll be doing it without the anesthesia; I believe he does that with most of his patients. But if you want the anesthesia, just let them know beforehand." DH just quietly nodded and said "Ok." But as soon as the doc and nurse left the room, he starts hyperventilating and goes:
"No anethesia?? I'm not doing it! I'm not doing it!"
"Well ok then, ask for the anesthesia if you're scared."
This conversation went on for some time after the appointment:
"I'm not doing it without anestheeeeeeesiaaaaaaaaa" (in his acting voice).
"He said most guys do it without anesthesia so it must not be that bad."
"NO! NO! I'm not doing it! I'm not cutting my balls, I'm not doing it!"
Then again, in the car:
"I mean, WHY would anybody do it without anesthesia? Do you know how much it hurts just to get hit with a ball there?"
Suddenly, I realized there was a communication barrier. ".....honey," I said, "When he said no anesthesia he just meant you won't be asleep, but of course they're going to use a LOCAL anesthetic."
"OH REALLY?!!!" DH lets out a huge sigh of relief. "Well, I might be ok with a local anesthetic....yeah I think I'll be ok."
Poor DH. Just goes to show we gotta be careful in how we communicate when we're caught up in all the medical lingo.

And another funny thing that happened this morning: You see, DH has this funny habit of doodling on things when he is on the phone. But instead of little squiggles or pictures, he just writes a word that pops up in conversation, and writes that word over and over and over and over again. Kinda cute actually, but access to any writing utensil while he is on the phone can be dangerous. I think he's only ever destroyed a couple important (but not irreplaceable) papers of mine. But most of the time, there is no paper, so instead he doodles on the computer table. Or best of all, he is relaxing in the computer chair with his feet propped up on the wall and doodles on his thighs instead. That's right, on his LEGS. Even yesterday while we were waiting at the pharmacy, he got out his pen and started doodling on his leg.
So this morning, I woke up and was just lounging around in my underwear. Then I went to the bathroom and as I was washing up, out of the corner of my eye I noticed a bruise on my backside. I was thinking "Oh crap! What is going on? Am I having a bad reaction to the meds? Let me see what is th....." Turns out it was not a bruise. Instead, there were several illegible words written on me. So I went back to the bedroom to show DH.
"Um, honey? Did you DOODLE on my ass while I was sleeping?"
"What? No"
"Then what is THIS?"
"What is that?"
"It's YOUR DOODLING!"
"Oh....I think I put my leg on you, that's why."
That's my goofy hubby for ya.

"Let's see what we've got cookin' here....."

2011-08-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

....said the Doc as he stuck the good ol' ultrasound doodad up my hoo-hah.....

So I guess all is looking relatively well. I have 7 follicles "cookin," ranging from 6-10.5 mm. Mostly in the 8-9ish range. However, he says my lining is still a little on the low side: only about 4.4 mm. The nurse poked my arm once again to test my estrogen levels, so they said they will call me later on today to let me know whether I need to go up to 2 amps Menopur, or still stay at one.

The injections have been treating me pretty good. I have been icing my tummy before and after the Menopur and it definitely helps. I think I'm slowly becoming a "pro" at these shots, although the other night it was possibly a little over-confidence that led to a little mishap. The first 2 nights the Follistim was treating me well, and I only got a small bruise from the 1st night of the Menopur. However, night 3, after I did the Follistim, I was on my way to grab the ice pack from the freezer before the last shot, and noticed I was feeling a little more stinging than I expected from the Follistim. So I lifted my shirt and saw I was bleeding like crazy! (Ok well, maybe not THAT bad, but it was quite unusual). So I had to clean that up, yet it managed to leave the biggest, nastiest bruise of all thus far. My best guess as to what happened is I probably took the needle out too quickly and/or at the wrong angle and ended up ripping a bit more flesh (if that's possible?) Yuck. That's not happening again.

As far as the symptoms, SO FAR I have only felt a *little* cramping. The few times that I've felt slightly nauseous, I usually attributed it to other reasons at the moment (i.e. "Oh I just didn't eat breakfast yet" or "Oh I just gotta use the toilet"). Hmm, maybe I'll be okay during the 2ww?.....Nah, I'm pretty sure come the 2ww (our first ever LEGITIMATE 2ww at that) I will be going absolutely nuts analyzing every symptom.

Next appointment is on Thursday, and we may possibly see even more follicles then. Yay!

Update: Turns out, my estrogen is low, so tonight I did the 1 amp Menopur, but as of tomorrow I'm bumpin' it up to 2

Surprise!

2011-08-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

What a fun Thursday:

This morning I wake up relatively early, on my own. I decide to just be lazy for a good while, and *maybe* do a little cleaning before my 12:15 eye appointment. So 9:30, I'm just chillin' at the computer when I get a call from the RE's office. My appointment is not until tomorrow, but the Dr has decided he wants me to come in and start stims TODAY!

So I take a quick shower and ask DH if he wants to tag along. He agrees and slllllllloooooooooowly gets out of bed. We look over the consent forms once more (and have a nice little spat about the whole what-to-do-with-potential-frozen-embryos-in-the-case-of-our-death thing) and head to the office. Dr comes in and profusely apologizes for wearing jeans since he didn't originally intend to see patients today. Does the ultrasound, everything looks good. Get poked in the arm again, fun times.

Then I go to my eye appt and *supposedly* my last eye doctor had me over-corrected in my right eye. I apparently should be wearing -6.5 instead of the -7 I have been wearing (yes, I'm about as blind as a bat!)

After that appt, we go to UCLA for DH to run a quick errand, then he drops me off at the pharmacy. I pay a whopping $860 for 4 days worth of Menopur and Follistim. Then I come right back out and DH is not waiting for me outside, so I try to call him. But whaddya know, I'm stuck in the middle of Westwood and can't get any service on my phone. So I borrow a phone from someone, and of course DH's phone won't ring either. So I'm just left waiting outside, slightly annoyed. Annoyance turns into slightly freaking out about where the hell he could be and why the hell he is taking so long. 45 minutes later he comes around the block, and says he was stuck at one light for the last 30 minutes (although I suspect he probably drove a lot further away then he needed to!) I come home, relax a little more, then have my little injection party around 7:30.

Gotta say, I think the Follistim pen is pretty nifty, although clumsy ol' me ended up stabbing myself afterwards while trying to unscrew the needle. I had a little trouble mixing the Menopur; probably should have used the Q-cap to draw up the meds instead of that long needle it came with. And I had heard that one stings quite a bit so I sure am glad I saved it for last!!

So even though this was one hectic busy day, I'm glad the appointment is out of the way. Now I can use that free time tomorrow to.......CLEAN! My sister & BIL are coming to visit from San Jose. Hooray Hooray! I get to be someone's "tour guide" in LA! :)

Subcutaneous gold

2011-07-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

5 days of Lupron injections and so far giving myself the shots have been a piece of cake. I haven't had a whole lot of side effects: I definitely had hot flashes the 2nd day but that was the only time. I usually feel slightly dizzy or lightheaded afterwards, and also feel a little funny in my stomach, but I can't tell if that's actually from the Lupron or just leftover indigestion issues from the trip. The first few days I only got a little redness and a small bump at the injection site, which went away within an hour. So I was all happy thinking I would get another 2 weeks with an inconspicuous tummy, but then last night I bled a bit when I took the needle out and it left a bruise. Pretty sure my abdomen will look like a battlefield before this is all over.

And once again, I am irked with my insurance. At the appointment on Friday, DH and I were both asked to do an infectious diseases/STD screening that they need by the 10th. The nurse recommended we go through our primary doctor since most insurances won't cover it if we go through their office. DH had no problem with his student insurance and just went to the clinic on his campus. (We'll see if we get any nasty bills though...) However, I call my assigned PCP (whom I have yet to even see), and they don't even have a single appointment available until the middle of August. Scratch that. Then I tried to find other doctors who are supposedly within my network and none of them will take my insurance. This whole thing has got me thinking what is the point of insurance anyway? Ugh. I'm thinking I just might as well go through the RE's office anyway.

Other than the irritation, DH and I are just trying to enjoy our summer at home. Yesterday we went to the Harry Potter movie (cheeeeeeeeeeeesy!) and then went to our local farmer's market for the 1st time (never got a chance during the school year). I think today I'll do some laundry to earn myself a chance to be lazy and lay out by the pool. :)

And the ride begins....

2011-07-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

We just got back from Bangladesh yesterday morning (which will be a post for another day) aaaaaaaand we are ready to go:

Tomorrow morning I am going in for the baseline u/s and starting the Lupron. I am excited and at the same time freaking out a little about the thought of giving myself injections. Hopefully it's a lot easier than it sounds. And if I completely chicken out, I can always make DH do it (if he doesn't chicken out too). Teehee.

The egg retrieval & MESA will be Aug. 15th or 16th. So I'm glad the timing worked out so that our urologist will be in town. However, looking at when my potential betas would be, will most likely be the week I have to report back to work, so that might be a little tough depending how everything turns out. I just keep trying to remind myself to leave it in God's hands.

Sidenote: It's hard to believe that it's already been about a year since we moved. I never even updated my expectations, but I guess the "culture shock" from OK to Cali is nothing after going to Bangladesh. :)

Hooray for Healthy Uterus!

2011-06-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

I went in for the sonohysterogram on Thursday. Everything looks great and ready to move forward!

Gotta say, the procedure was a *bit* painful/uncomfortable. As soon as he put the catheter in I instantly got really crampy and sweaty and feeling very impatient, wanting to get up and move around already. I was thinking to myself "Oh crap, what am I getting myself into if I can't even stand just this one little thing?"

So the plan for now is: we are going to Bangladesh for a month, and I will continue the BC there. Dr. wants me to call as soon as we get back, and then start on Lupron, and then start stims. He was a little concerned that our urologist may be out of town at the very end of August, so we're hoping the timeline will work out perfectly.

I'm starting to actually get excited about this, like holy moly this is really gonna happen!

Change of plans

2011-05-30T12:20:00.000-07:00

So it turns out, we will not start cycling at the end of June....

Remember back in August when I was contemplating whether or not we should put off IVF and visit DH's parents? Well recently, DH had been bringing the idea up again, or rather, trying to see if there was any way that we can do both this summer. Particularly because both of his parents are not in great health right now, and as he hasn't seen them in over 3 years (and I have yet to meet them in person).
Last week, we found out DH's dad has a prostate tumor, and will be getting a biopsy this week. No ifs, ands, or buts about it, we are going to fly out there to be with them through the operation and to help them out. We'll be leaving pretty much as soon as school gets out in a few weeks, and will be there about a month. So this past week has been full of hectic planning and trying to get our emergency passports and visas.
I'm excited that this will be my very first time out of the country, and that I finally will get to meet DH's family. But the circumstances just suck. I wish this didn't have to be the reason we were going.

DH is determined that we will be able to still do IVF after we come back. I'm hoping we can....we had all the money saved for the procedure, and have somebody who was going to be helping us out with the cost of meds and having something for back-up. But this trip is taking a good chunk out of our savings of course.
On the one hand, I can't bear to think of waiting any longer. But on the other hand, I'm still trying to be as realistic as I can about this.

In the meantime, IVF-wise, we'll still procede as if it will happen. I called the RE to see if we can do the SHG before we leave. I should be getting AF this week, so he says to start my last pack of BC on the 3rd day, then call to schedule the SHG 2 weeks later. And when I come in, let him know how long I'll be gone. He says "I can go ahead and start you on Lupron, and I can manipulate your cycle any way I need to."
Boy that sounds scary...

Documentary trailer and more updates

2011-03-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

The other day I happened to stumble across this video on youtube:

This looks like it will be a really awesome infertility awareness documentary! Another cool thing is that one of our doctors is one of the experts in this film. It's great to know we're in an area where we have these doctors who are real leaders in this field!

In other news: My 100-panel CF screening was negative. Hooray! Plus the glucose test was normal so I don't have to think about taking Metformin. Yippee! The Dr. did however recommend I repeat glucose tests every 2 years to monitor my health. Makes sense to be on the safe side, as my dad developed type 2 diabetes and I have a sister with hypoglycemia. So I get to look forward to more good times downing a bottle of what tastes like orange gatorade with a buttload of sugar in it. It's cool, I've done worse....

So it looks like we should be able to cycle the very end of June/beginning of July. Dr. wants me to do a sonohysterogram about a month before. (Dear insurance, please cover it). And there's the financial stress on top of our prior plans for the summer.....but that is a post for another time.

Step 2

2011-02-17T19:06:00.000-08:00

I guess I had better quit putting this post off and give the blog world an update before too much time goes by ;)

Anyway, our visit with the urologist last month went great. Only thing is we found out DH also has "incomplete" epididymis on both sides, which is I guess pretty common with CBAVD so not a big deal. Also, he was not satisfied with our previous genetic screenings, as DH was only screened for 36 panels of CF, so he wanted ME to do at least a 90 panel one. (We were told "there's no way to test for all strands," but apparently there's tests for a hell of a lot more than 36 panels so go figure)

The urologist referred us to an RE that he works with a lot, and who would do the egg retrieval in the same OR, but we have to drive out to the valley for all office visits. (Just about a 30-minute drive though, so not too bad). We had our initial visit with the RE this past Thursday to review our conditions and discuss a plan. Strangely enough, whereas my previous RE did not think that I met the criteria for PCOS, this guy highly suspects that I do based on my history of irregular/ no ovulation and a slightly high testosterone level. Once again, go figure. Of course, PCOS is much less significant when your partner has CBAVD, but his concern is that it puts me at a higher risk for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome during the IVF process. (Yikes!) So he wants me to come in next week for a glucose tolerance test to consider putting me on Metformin. Ai-yi-yi.

And he also wrote a prescription for me to go ahead and start on BC so that we'll be ready by June or July. At first he wanted to give me Yaz, but I was really hesitant since I've heard a lot of bad things about it, so he gave me one called Deseon instead. I gotta say, I find it pretty ironic that I am back on the pill "because I'm trying to get pregnant." But it's nice to feel like we're moving forward.

Finally starting somewhere....

2011-01-09T16:28:00.000-08:00

Guess who's a bad blogger: Me! Blame it on my job. It has been soo stressful from the very beginning: I have never had so many demands and been under so much pressure in my life, and it never seems to end. I'm just now finally starting to get a grip on what I should be doing (I hope) and trying to be more organized.

But anyway, DH and I are FINALLY taking our next step towards IVF. This Wednesday we have a consultation with a (very highly recommended!) urologist/male reproductive specialist! I'm excited to finally be doing something, but honestly I feel like we have no idea what we're doing. This is just the only place we know where to start since we know DH will need to do the MESA and this Dr. looks like the best one for the job. Still trying to find a [good] RE to see that will collaborate with the urologist, don't know if he will be able to help refer us or if I have to start from scratch on that one. I'm trying to come up with a list of questions we should have for him when we go, so any input from you readers would be helpful! :)

What a jerk......

2010-11-04T21:33:00.000-07:00

I was searching for something IF related on google, and stumbled across this thread.

Some people are born without vas deferens. Other people are born without hearts.

One year

2010-09-28T23:45:00.000-07:00

It was one year ago today that my world was turned upside down.

I remember that it was already a bad day to begin with. A parent came in that morning angry about something and I had to deal with it. Then during my planning period, a teacher aide decided to leave a [very dependent] student (not mine) in my classroom unsupervised. So I had to deal with that. And then deal with the aide getting mad at me for telling him we can't leave students unattended. And with a million other things going wrong at school, I kept telling myself "I can't wait for some good news to put an end to this bad day." I was carrying my cell phone with me all day, anxious for the doctor to call me. After all, SA's can't take that long, and they'd had the whole weekend to review it, so how hard could it be to call me? Oh if I only knew.
I didn't get the call until after the students were gone, thank goodness. I was in another teacher's classroom when the phone rang, and then got all excited getting out a sticky note and pen, thinking I would want to write down some numbers and percentages....
Until he asked, "Would you rather hear an unusual finding over the phone or in person?" Well how are you supposed to wait for that?
"I just wanna know," I said, bracing myself.
"Well...we did the semen anaysis....and there were no sperm found." *shit!* I thought. It hurts. While my tears are welling up the doctor keeps going on with "This is....this is NOT something caused by *being stressed out* or *having a bad day*" Thanks doc, as if I didn't know.
After I got off the phone, I just started bawling uncontrollably. And my colleague (thankfully the ONLY person in the room at the time) tried her best to comfort me. I know she meant well, it just didn't help telling me "Well when [daughter's husband] did it he had nothing...and I mean nothing! But it's because he was taking diabetes medication." She did however convince me to ask my principal for a day off, as I'm usually really hesitant to take a day off unless I'm EXTREMELY sick. But I knew I couldn't handle work the next day, so I did go down to the office, barely able to get the words "I don't think I can come in tomorrow" out of my mouth.
Then getting ready to go home I texted DH, I knew he was waiting to find out. I think I wrote something like "It's pretty bad, but there may be hope." He was in class at the time but stepped out to call me back immediately.
"There's nothing," I said, sobbing.
".........Nothing?" That was so hard to hear the shock in his voice.
When he got home we just cried and cried and cried and cried. That was one of the hardest nights for me. Asleep, I could forget about everything. Dream nice dreams again. But I woke up several times throughout the night. Each time I woke up, reality would instantly hit me again, and I would cry myself back to sleep. I thought how will we ever go on with out lives?

Fast forward one year and what a difference a year has made. We've made such a peace with IF, in a strange way I'm almost thankful for how it has opened our eyes, and brought us closer together. I thought when this "dreaded anniversary" rolled around I would probably have a bad emotional day all over again. But it didn't even phase me. In fact I didn't even realize that today marked 1 year of living with IF (or, knowledge therof) until a few hours ago.

One thing that worries me, though, is if the only reason I feel "ok" with IF is because I'm still clinging to this hope of my dream being fulfilled. The dream of getting to experience pregnancy and giving birth to DH's child. This may sound weird, but sometimes I almost feel like we've "betrayed" our azoo brothers and sisters. Because we got the "good" diagnosis. The obstructive azoo. The supposedly easy fix. There is supposedly still hope for having our own biological child.
I'm getting the fear that this hope I'm clinging to may not be a good thing. I'm afraid I may not be as strong as I think I am. That one day all these hopes may be dashed away, and then I may not be able to swallow my own words of comfort. Looking forward to planning IVF is bringing both excitement and fear in me.

Something good that has changed in one year, is how open DH is willing to be about his diagnosis. Maybe he just thinks it's a cool conversation topic to tell a friend "I'm a mutant" and see how they react. Anyway I think this is great that he has this much peace with it and can make a step closer to advocating for IF awareness, without feeling any shame. Although I don't think it's wise to completely "out" ourselves (i.e. at work, or especially on FB).

I wonder where another year will lead us.

PMS is a bitch

2010-09-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

That's all there is to it. I don't ever remember it being this bad pre-BC. But seriously, I'm sick of feeling like tearing everyone's head off every time AF approaches. Alanis Morissette to the rescue...maybe...

On top of that I've been having really weird dreams lately. I'll chalk it up to anticipation/anxiety over the new job I'm starting next week, as that is usually the topic of my dreams lately. Like I will show up to work and they tell me my program has to be moved to a different building, which ends of being in the same school I taught at in OK for the last 3 years so I'm feeling like "fuck I'm stuck in this dump again." Or that we had moved back to OK after only 3 months and I'm angry about all the money we wasted.

Then the last couple nights I've had weird baby/TTC- related dreams. First it was that we had a baby girl, but everyone was saying the baby didn't look like us. Then I saw her and even DH and I were questioning if the docs had screwed up. Last night I dreamed I was learning to give myself menopur shots, and when I realized it was too early to be cycling, I was told this was a "practice round." So I kept trying to figure out the needle (which was more like a mechanical pencil) and then realized I was sitting in my classroom with all the students impatiently waiting for me to start a lesson. Weird.

Oh well I wouldn't put too much thought into analyzing my dreams. I'm sure it's just hormones. Seriously, if most of my dreams had any meaning then what a fucked up world this would be.

Choices

2010-08-23T20:18:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a bit of an emotional wreck for me. It really sucks to try to plan things out so far in advance when you have so many conflicting priorities, feeling like you're being pulled in so many directions.

Before we even left, a lot of family members were talking to us about planning some get-togethers for Christmas and next summer. We will definitely be going to OK for Christmas, as DH's hectic school schedule won't allow him to go anywhere for Thanksgiving. I was hoping to spend the whole break in OK. Then a couple weeks ago my BIL was trying to convince us to go to Tahoe with them right after Christmas.

[side note: my playlist just started playing "Did you ever have to make up your mind?" by the Lovin Spoonful. How convenient]

Then there is trying to make plans for next summer. My brother had been discussing wanting to go hiking in New Mexico next summer (before it gets TOO hot). I have had my heart and mind set on starting IVF next summer, but felt like DH wasn't quite as *enthusiastic* about it as I am. But I definitely want to spend time with my brother next summer so both things are important to me. I have been contemplating in my mind how on the most convenient way to work out the timing.

Then this past week I started to think about something else that's important to me: visiting DH's parents. It's just crazy that I've been married this long and have never even met my in-laws. Then I started weighing that with IVF, realizing that if we had a successful IVF, it would not be wise to go to Bangladesh while pregnant so we would have to put that off even more. I came to my own conclusion that we should try to go to Bangladesh next summer, even if it meant putting off IVF for a few months or longer.

So this past weekend we went to see our very close friend in San Diego (let's call him K). On the drive down, I brought it up with DH and we talked about it. At first he wasn't sure, then thought about it some more and was on board with planning the trip for next summer. We both started feeling pretty excited about it, but the thought of having to choose one thing over the other was getting me down. Then we got to K's place and his roommate announced there would be company over. Great, I thought. I was not really in the mood for forced socialization with strangers. Then they happened to bring their little reminder of our IF. So upstairs in K's room I just had myself a good cry because life sucks. It's so unfair to have to put so much time and energy (and money) in planning something that most other people can do without much effort. After drying my eyes I went down to socialize and play with the cute cute tiny tot, and I felt a lot better.

The next day DH and I were spending time with K when he brought up the topic of IF. We had a good talk about it and he really helped to put things in perspective for us. Basically helped us to realize that we should seize the opportunity to try IVF while we can. Even when DH talked to his mom that evening, she thought if he had to choose between the two, he should do IVF.

So now we are definitely aiming for IVF next summer. I wouldn't say that DH was not on board before, but that he just didn't seem to be taking it as seriously as I was. Like he had shut off that compartment of thoughts and emotions in his brain. Now I think he officially has "the fever" and is more serious about saving up money for this.

Now we just have to decide what to do about insurance. We already know the insurance through his school won't cover ANYTHING IF-related. I am trying to find out more about what my work insurance will cover - I already know it won't cover IVF (or any of the drugs included with that). But I am trying to find out if it will cover his MESA to see whether or not it would be worth including him on my plan. Too bad when you call the insurance company they have no clue what those procedures are or what they cover.

Bibliography of ASSVICE!!!

2010-08-04T20:33:00.001-07:00

Here comes a fun post full of the most ridiculous ASSVICE I've gotten from various people within the last year or so. Partly because I'm bored. Partly because I'm a little PMS-y. But mostly because some of this stuff is too hilariously stupid not to share:

First of all, I got a lot of stupid assvice, comments, and questions regarding the move to LA

Source #1: Nosy co-worker

Co-worker: I heard you might be leaving after this year....

Me: Yes. My husband got into grad school in LA so we are moving.

Co-worker: Oh! Well I guess if you wanna stay married, then that's what you gotta do.

Wow. I didn't know a spouse's education/career change was grounds to consider divorce.

Source #2: Sweet little old lady at church

"Don't let the liberals out there getcha."

Good idea. I just know those dang liberals are hiding in the dark alleys, waiting to mug me for more tax money.

I also got the: "Are there any Baptist churches in LA?"

Yes, there are actually Baptists in a city with a population of more than 4 million people. But they all meet in secret underground passageways because they're hiding from the liberals.

Source #3: my mom

I'm telling you, for some one who has never lived here, she says some of the dumbest things sometimes....such as:

"Well you know, everything is mañana in California."

What.....what does that even mean?? Mañana means tomorrow. Everything is tomorrow? What?

Or how about "You mean they let [DH]'s car into California?"

Well actually we had to smuggle DH's perfectly fine honda into a oversized coffin for 24 hours while we crossed the California state border.

I couldn't even tell her about all the cool ethnic restaurants around and eating Cuban food without her making some comment about countries where people rebel against the government......Seriously??? It's just FOOD and your political views are severely warped.

How about ASSVICE on marriage?:

Source #4: rude co-worker (who has been divorced at least 2 or 3 times, gets into a new relationship every year and almost gets married, then calls it off)

"Well if I haven't taught you anything else, you listen to this: You better get a separate bank account only in your name, don't tell anybody you have this, and every month put away $50 dollars into the account. This is for EMERGENCIES, in case you need to get out because [DH] starts beatin' up on you."

What a great idea. Because when I fell in love and took those vows I thought "hmm, now here's a guy I can't trust and who doesn't love me so much that he wouldn't dare to lay a finger on me. But what the heck, I'll marry him anyway cuz I'm lonely." And by the way this tip you call "advice," in the real world is called "financial infidelity" and it's why you can't get your own relationships to work out.

Source #5: big sister (who is very selfish & immature, thinks she's an expert on marriage just because she has a boyfriend, and has made it very clear that she does not want children and pretty much thinks anyone who wants to get pregnant is stupid)

Sister: When you get married, your primarily responsibility is to your husband. That means if your husband had a bad day at work and he comes home and the kids are running around screaming, you send them to their room and take care of your husband first.

Mom: Well you just don't know the cold hard reality

Me: Yeah. What if you have an infant? You can't just "send him to his room"

Sister: OMG! JUST PUT IT IN THE PLAYPEN! HOW HARD IS THAT?!

That's right, stereotypical wives and stay-at-home-moms of the world. You better put down that hungry nursing baby and give your stereotypical breadwinner husband his bottle.

And then, of course, there's our all-time favorite: the getting pregnant/infertility ASSVICE:

Source #6: head midwife at the medical center (this is when I was still living in my world of ignorance is bliss, and was so sure I'd be pregnant any time now so I better start researching my birthing options)

Me: (wrapping up the consultation) BTW do you have any tips on getting pregnant?

Midwife: Well how long have you been trying?

Me: About 5 months.....

Midwife: (all-knowing smirk on face) Just take it easy, relax, don't think too much about it. I guarantee you.

Too bad there was no money-back on that guarantee. But then again it was a free consultation. Still, if I had a dollar for each time I've heard "just relax" I just might have enough money for IVF

Source #7: neurologist (a DOCTOR for crying out loud...keep in mind the whole reason I started seeing him was to get off the meds so I could safely get pregnant, and this conversation was just before we found out about CBAVD)

Neurologist: Are you still trying to get pregnant?

Me: ......we can't get pregnant. My husband doesn't have any sperm. (the end)

Neurologist: Well you know, all is takes is just one to go "SHOOOOOOOOO" (making rocket-ship motion). Well I'll see you back here in 6 months.

Yes, I can see it now in the Twilight Zone: "Hello? Hello? Well I guess I'm the only sperm left." (tail snaps off) "No....that's not fair....there was....SPACE now....there was all the space I needed....THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!!"

And perhaps the most absurd of all:

Source #8: nurse/former co-worker

Nurse: So are you still taking the Depakote?

Me: Oh no, I've been off of that over a year

Nurse: Oh good. So now just watch you'll probably get pregnant before you know it.

Me:.....not exactly...

Nurse: No?

Me: My husband was born without either of his "tubes" so the only possible way we could possibly get pregnant is through in-vitro.

You're a nurse. You understand, right?

Nurse: Ohhh......Well don't be surprised if something happens one day. heehee. I'm telling you I've seen these things happen! hahaha! What's it called? vans defens? I'm telling you I've seen things happen! Cuz it only takes one, JUST ONE! teeheehee! You know cuz it's trapped in there it only takes one it's gonna go crazy! It's gonna go CRAZY I tell you! teeheehee! Just watch, don't be surprised. You're gonna be one of those people on those TV shows that goes "What? How did it happen?" And I'm gonna be laughin and goin "AH HA HA! See I told her!" Just watch it only takes one of em to go crazy and find a way!

.......And I have no words. I guess I just need to hope for a miraculous conception so I can be on Good Morning America....

Well I hope everyone got a good little chuckle or two. People sure say the *darndest* things

Change of scenery

2010-07-30T09:53:00.003-07:00

We made it! After 4 days of driving we arrived here in LA on Tuesday.
So let me tell you about our trip:

First off, I am SOOOOO glad we went through a moving company. Packing up everything was a pain but it was worth having all that other weight off our shoulders. Literally. This guy wrapped up my coffee table in a protective blanket and hoisted it over his shoulder and carried it to the truck. Dang, it always took us 2 people to carry that thing. Plus they had everything in the truck in about an hour. Normally it would take DH and I (and our parents) all day to pack it in a U-Haul. And I couldn't imagine DH or myself trying to drive a moving truck across the country. Thank you moving company.

Friday after the movers loaded everything up we spent the rest of the day cleaning, and then went out to eat with my family. My nephew was being silly and of course not understanding that his aunt and uncle were leaving. My little sister said a prayer for us and after she was done my nephew was all "Ca-li-FORN-yah?" He thought it was some silly word. So we're all telling him that aunt & uncle are going far far away to California for a long long time. "NO WAYYY! You can't go!" Then saying goodbye I said I wanted "all the hugs and all the kisses" from him. And he says "No! You have to cry!" That's because he always pretends to be mean to me when I want a hug and he says "No, I don't like you Aunt Ruth," then I pretend to cry and he gives me a hug. Believe me that I shed quite a few real tears this time.

Well Saturday morning after having some breakfast (McD's, bleh I know) we started the drive. But fortunately my big sister saved the day before we got too far. About 45 mins from her place she texted me and even though I hate it when people text/read texts while driving, thank God I decided to look at it. Because I had left my expensive new prescription glasses at her house and would be blind without my contacts if I didn't have my glasses. So we stopped at the next exit and her boyfriend and her drove out to bring me my glasses. *Whew!*
The rest of the day it rained and rained and rained all through the Texas panhandle and New Mexico. I was soooo tired and my eyes were so fatigued from trying to concentrate on the road through the rain all day. I'm so used to trading places with DH when we go driving and I was trying to figure out how to cope and stay awake. My little sis, who was used to driving from Nashville to OKC in one day, suggested those 5 hour energy drinks...Yeah it did NOTHING to keep me awake and alert except make me sick to my stomach. I eventually just had to convince DH I needed a power nap to rest my eyes for about 20 mins, and with that and some hot cappucino I was ready to go. I had originally planned that we should aim for Gallup, NM the first night, but we ended up just staying in Albuquerque. Which is a much nicer view and turns out was a better starting point for our next day's trip. (Guess I need to plan better).

Sunday we headed for Tucson, AZ to visit one of DH's friends he hadn't seen in 5 years. It rained a little bit off and on but not as much as the day before. The scary part though was when we were going west on the I-10 in New Mexico, and then for some reason the border patrol blocked off the highway, forcing everyone to take this little road south directly towards the border. I was like wtf is going on and where are they sending us??? My gps didn't even know where we were and kept showing me roads that didn't exist. But fortunately after 1 1/2 hours of wasted time, we got back to the I-10.
We got to Tucson and DH was really excited to see his friend. So after showering and freshening up at the hotel, we went to the friends place and his roommates cooked up some REALLY good Bangladeshi food. I mean DH cooks really good, but IMO his khichuri is nothing compared to how they made it, so he's got some learning to do. The food was really really delicious, but I knew we would regret eating so much before another long drive the next day.

Monday we left Tucson around 11 and headed to San Diego to stay with another good friend of ours. I checked how the weather would be and of course, it was extremely hot through Arizona. So I wore a tank top and hoochie shorts and was still burning up on the drive. And then when we drove through the mountains just inside of CA, the sign says to turn off the a/c to avoid engine over-heating (but don't avoid human over-heating :P When we finally got to San Diego I got out of the car....and was freezing! Ok maybe not freezing but this Okie is not used to 60 degree weather in July.

So on Tuesday we left San Diego around 11, stopped in San Clemente for lunch and then got to our apt here in LA. Of course it's only been a few days but I am really liking it so far. It's obviously much busier than OKC (duh) but somehow it feels "normal" to me. Now I'm going to give it a little more time before I update you and how the city has met my expectations, but first off I am going to say that driving here came so ridiculously easy to me that it almost put me to sleep and I needed to be stuck in bumper to bumper traffic to wake up (and driving in that is not as hard as I thought). I blame it on DH for trying to scare me into thinking I couldn't drive here after he visited the first time. ("People in Oklahoma can't drive. My friend wrecked both rental cars. You wouldn't know how to drive in LA.") Plus now that I've studied the map quite a bit, I realize that when we came here last year on vacation we were kinda dumb because we were staying in Anaheim and visited UCLA, Santa Monica pier, and Venice Beach on I think 3 different days (or at least there were 3 different driving trips....D'OH!) Now I know better. And I'M the one that has to keep telling DH that he needs to change lanes and watch what he's doing. So much for me not knowing how to drive.

So now we're trying to settle in but sometimes it still feels like only a vacation and I know we're acting like tourists lol. Like the first night after we were exhausted from driving and unloading the cars I was like "we need some In-n-Out" Yum. Then Wednesday after running some errands, we wanted to go to Pothead City Venice Beach. Now I would have just worn my normal clothes, but had a little problem getting some cleaning supplies at the store because I realized too late that the bottle of Drano I was holding was leaking.... So I wanted to go home and change out of my ruined clothes and then thought "Hmm, maybe I should wear this sexy beachy dress." Well that was a bad idea because I didn't have a jacket so I was FREEZING again, plus I had quite a few Marilyn Monroe moments.
Yesterday after we got our new fridge delivered, we went grocery shopping at 3 different places and I'm sure we looked like a couple of crazy happy fools astounded by low prices. Like "Whoa! Look how cheap these strawberries are! Whoa! Look how fresh these vegetables are! Whoa! Look how cheap these steaks are!" And DH is really excited that there's a halal meat grocery just down the street from us.

Ok can you tell we're excited about LA yet?

But I have to make one more mini-pitch for this great little restaurant we went to last night called Little Dhaka. It took us about an hour to drive there in heavy traffic but it was definitely worth it for REAL Bangladeshi food. DH said he heard a lot of good things about it. I read some reviews online and there were some "iffy" reviews, but mostly from people who only know Indian food and were disappointed that it's not the same. (A lot of people think the food should be similar because it's in the same geographic region, but the spices and method of cooking is totally different. Indian food typically uses a lot more yogurt and a lot more "sauce" per meat. Bangladeshi food uses different spices, a lot more onions, and you get much more meat or vegetable than gravy). Oh plus some reviewers complained about plastic silverware, but come on- you don't need silverware for this food-you just eat with your hands! Anyway, it's just a little place and also has a little market for South Asian groceries, but the guy at the counter was very nice and friendly and the food was awesome. DH said the whole place is just like back home. Well even though I don't know what "back home" is like, I guess I've been around Bangladeshi company enough that the place just felt comfortable and normal to me. And the food was just like real homemade Bangladeshi food. Definitely worth the drive out there.

T minus 5 days to take-off

2010-07-19T23:14:00.001-07:00

Ok maybe now it's more like 4 & 1/4....Still I can't believe how fast time has flown and here we are already, ready to start the drive on Saturday and move into our new apartment next Tuesday. This last week has been filled with not us much packing as there should be, and much MUCH more time spent with family and friends....I am still not ready to say goodbye.

I'm having an especially hard time thinking of leaving my brother, SIL, & 3-yr-old nephew behind. They live an hour away from us right now, but DH and I are really close with them- I'd say closer than any of our other family members. We're just so much alike, share the same values and generally the same life philosophy. DH and I have gotten to watch our nephew grow up and he's really close with us too. But...he's only 3...and he doesn't quite grasp the concept of what it means that his aunt & uncle are "moving" or "going far far away for a long long time." I'm sure he still thinks that he'll get to come to our house all the time or that we'll still come visit him and play with him a lot. I hate that I'm going to miss watching him as he continues to grow. I'm afraid he may start to forget us the longer we are away.

On a slightly different topic, I know a few of my family and friends are equally unhappy with my departure. Maybe that's where technology can come in with it's sorry, pathetic, not-even-close attempt at filling the void. I'm considering starting a separate blog so that my family and friends can follow up with us if they like. I like this idea better than mass emailing, especially since it seems like a lot of times those emails will go to spam and never be read. The thing is, I would need to keep it completely separate from this blog, using a different profile (we don't exactly want ALL of our family and friends reading our personal IF business, know what I mean?) But then I don't really want to "abandon" this blog while there's no IF treatments happening. Actually, I know that won't happen because this blog is more personal with all my emotional ups and downs, and the one I'm thinking of starting would be a more cut-and-dry-this-is-what-we-did-this-month kinda thing. I guess I just need to re-focus on what I want to use THIS blog for so I can devote time to 2 different blogs........

Ugh, this post is too depressing. Please excuse my late-night ramblings. I'll end it with a silly story about DH:
So for the past 3 &1/2 years, DH has had a wonderful time with all the glitz and glam of working at a gas station. Yeah so what, it helps pay the bills. Plus, the benefit of being able to get anything he needs from the convenience store (say, drinks and snacks and other necessities for going on road trips) and just subtracting it from his paycheck (or sometimes for freeeee). Well everytime we've gone on a long drive, he'll always OVERSTOCK up on snacks and drinks from work. He always does good on making sure I've got plenty of cold coffee and teas. He'll ask me what kind of snacks I want. Now usually if I'm on a long trip, I will be craving [unhealthy] stuff like gardettos, chex mix, pringles, wheat crackers, those little cake donuts, and sometimes honey roasted peanuts. Every now and then I'll want fruity candies like skittles or gummy worms. (Ok yes yes I KNOW this is all very very bad stuff that I don't eat on a regular basis but it tides me over on a long drive). Well then he comes home with oh maybe 1 or 2 packages of donut, a package of skittles, maybe 1 or 2 bags of chips that I like...and a buttload of either cheese flavored or extremely spicy flavored chips or nuts(which I don't much care for) and tons and tons of CANDY...and most of the candy he stashes up on is....CHOCOLATE(!!???!!!) Ok I love DH I really do, but he can be a dufus sometimes. He still hasn't figured out that you can't bring chocolate on a long hot car ride. Yesterday was his last day of work and he came home with the stash of drinks and snacks. So I look to see what he got and sure enough, there is the bag full of chocolate bars. I grabbed a kit-kat ~~bar~~ mushy package and asked him how long this had been in the car. He said 30 mins to an hour...then he says "Hey we can just put these in the freezer and then they'll be solid again"...... *SIGH* For someone who tries to logically analyze everything, you'd think he'd figure out that if his favorite chocolate bars won't last an hour in the car, they won't even last 1 day of driving. The candy is still in the freezer. I guess he'll get to handle that chocolate surprise in his car if he still wants them.

Infertility-friendly Songs

2010-07-07T17:34:00.000-07:00

Lately, as I've been doing stuff around the house while listening to my diverse and random playlist of songs on itunes, I get to thinking that what this world needs is a lot more lyrics for the infertile. Especially those sappy love songs about getting married and having a baby.....Or especially sleazy rapping lyrics about contraception.

I mean, don't you all think Gin & Juice would have been much better if Snoop said:
"So what you wanna do? Sheeit,
I got a missing pair of tubes and my homeboys do too!"

Then my thought about infertility-friendly songs got me curious, and with a quick search: Voila! Someone has already made a MUSICAL about infertility and all the fun and exciting invasive proceedings that go along with it. I could only find 1 video on youtube, but it's pretty hilarious. I need to find the whole recording of this musical, it looks awesome.

Packrats

2010-07-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

I have moved 4 different times in the past 5 years and this one is definitely the biggest pain in the butt, packing wise. All other times we used a U-Haul and/or my dad's truck. We were going to get a U-haul this time, but then decided to go through a moving company because we figure the extra cost is worth not having the hassle of packing/unpacking it ourselves, driving it and paying for the gas for 3 days, plus having to get someone else to drive our 2nd car and pay for their hotel/flying back expenses. But the cost of moving stuff per weight + all the additional "fees", plus the size of the apt we're moving to is forcing us to REALLY cut down on what we're keeping....

And it's making me realize how much of the "trait" I've inherited. My mom is a classic hoarder. Not as bad as most that you see on those TV shows, but it's pretty bad. And I can tell from my other relatives that the justifying of "holding on to things" definitely runs in our family. DH and I used to be pretty messy and lazy and so with the first couple moves it was like just shove random things in a box and take it along. A couple years ago, I finally went through my closet and gave away a lot of clothes-some I'd had since high school! And then last summer I did some serious heavy-duty cleaning out of everything, throwing away unusable stuff, donating un-needed clothes and other stuff, and neatly organizing everything else. I was pretty proud of myself but for the last couple days I've been going through more stuff and been thinking, why did I decide to keep this? For example I had THREE file boxes of papers. One has the most current stuff and I use that but discarded some older things we don't need. But the other 2- well one of them had papers from when I was a freshman in college: why did I keep that??? And I talked DH into helping go through stuff because he kept a lot of papers and notes from college. He got rid of a lot but still wants to keep some.

Then I'm making some tough decisions about things to keep- whether or not the "sentimental value" is worth the space it's taking up. For example some gifts that I never used, and most likely never will get to or want to, I'm donating. And then yesterday I decided to throw away stuff from my wedding box- I kept the guestbook, napkins, and flower petals (oh and my mom insisted she pay to get my wedding dress preserved so that helps a little with space) but got rid of the unity candle, cake topper, things like that. I know they're supposed to be "keepsakes" but I decided it's just not worth it.

We've given away a LOT of stuff but I feel like we still haven't made much of a dent in anything. Tomorrow DH wants to go through the kitchen and thinks we can "make everything half." But as we both love cooking, I can definitely see this being an issue. We already had a tiny spat about which big stew pots to throw away. DH says "we're getting rid of everything we don't use" but the tough decision will be about a few glass serving dishes that we have never used, but they were a wedding gift from my friend who died a couple years ago. I don't know if I can let go of them.

Expectations

2010-06-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm still not quite over the surreality of this big move we're about to make in less than 2 months. It probably won't feel real until we're driving across the country with our bags packed. But the more I pack and the more I search for jobs and apartments, the more I get to thinking "Holy crap! I'm actually going to be living here, living out of Oklahoma for the first time in my life!"
Lots of mixed emotions with that. Yeah I've been living "on my own" since I was 18, but only about 90 miles away from home. And I've got nothing on DH, moving halfway across the globe and completely on his own when he moved here. At least I've got somebody to be with, but this is going to be one of the biggest changes in my life. Some days I'm feeling really excited about it. Other days it gets me down in the dumps.

I decided to make a list of my expectations of our new home, the pros and cons. (Some things obviously will be more about our housing situation than the general culture/atmosphere of the area). Then after we get settled in, I'll see what I was right about, what I miss, and what I never expected. So here we go:

WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO:

The beautiful weather out there. And walking on the beach. No more tornados, hailstorms, or bipolar Oklahoma weather.
That feeling of "starting fresh" when you move into a new apartment. Getting rid of old/unneeded furniture/decor and getting to redecorate (little by little, as finances will allow, of course).
FOOD: fresh produce, fresh fish, more culturally diverse groceries and restaurants, etc. (We can't wait to eat at The Stinking Rose again. Mmmmmmm)
Much more interesting variety of "where to go," "things to do," and "places to see" when we're bored.
Meeting new people. Getting acquainted with a new culture in general.
Getting to see how DH's career develops in an awesome location.

WHAT I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO:

DRIVING! I have NO IDEA how to drive on the highways out there. Hopefully I can find a job close enough that I can just take the city streets because I'm so scared I'm gonna wreck the car on my very first attempt to merge and/or change lanes on the freeway. The driving *rules* are so different out there, but I'll have to learn.
The extremely expensive cost of living.
I suppose I'll be trading Oklahoma tornados for California earthquakes. And you can't prepare for earthquakes. But maybe it won't be so bad.
The crammed/congested feeling of the city. I guess I am somewhat of a country girl at heart, wanting *wide open spaces.* Even as I search for apartments I'm wondering what the heck we're going to do with 2 cars, as all the places only allow for 1 parking space (if even that).
Having to use the *apartment laundromat.* I've come to grips with the fact that I won't be able to do laundry whenever I want in the comfort of my own home, but I don't like it. I've had bad experiences in the past. Hopefully the apt we get will have the laundromat in a convenient location and not where we have to walk far far away to get there.
I have this feeling that I'm really gonna stick out like a sore thumb wherever I go. I don't usually care so much about "fitting in" and I couldn't care less about all the Hollywood glam. I just hate being somewhere new and feeling clueless about everything. There are probably some cultural/lifestyle differences between Okies & Californians that I don't even know exist that will throw me off.
Feeling alone. Of course DH is right there with me, but I'm really gonna miss my family, especially my bro, SIL, & nephew. Starting over with making new friends, I don't even know where to begin. Plus DH's school schedule for the 1st semester is apparently really hectic, so I'll probably be crying myself to sleep for a while.

Ok there's my *list.* I'll revisit this in a few months and see how my feelings and expectations of the new home have changed.

And yet, another reason to hate insurance companies

2010-06-13T16:01:00.000-07:00

DH got an e-mail from the new school, explaining enrolling procedures, registration fees, yada yada. AND it mentioned the student health insurance plan that's included in the registration fees, unless we waive it.

So being a "student health insurance" I figured it's gotta be pretty limited on coverage, on what is considered a medical necessity. Of course infertility won't be covered.

Looking through the list of benefits:

Elective abortion: covered. Well yeah, insurance companies don't want to pay for another human being. No surprise there.

Transgender surgery: covered. What? Really? Oh are CA insurance companies really going to be accepting of people's differences? Surely the infertile won't be overshadowed now- where does it mention infertility?

Oh here it is.....under "Exclusions & Limitations".
ABSOLUTELY NO BENEFITS PAID FOR:

Reproductive/Infertility services including but not limited to: family planning; fertility
tests; infertility (male or female), including any services or supplies rendered for the
purpose or with the intent of inducing conception; premarital examinations; impotence,
organic or otherwise; reversal of sterilization procedures

Fuck.

The stash

2010-05-17T14:13:00.001-07:00

Today I have this horrible sinus headache, plus itchy nose/sneezing. I'm going through all my OTC meds, trying to find something to help me out....

And I come across my long lost secret stash. You know: the prenatals, the Omega-3 fish oil, the EPO, the B6, the fertility blend (for women AND for men)..... All those things that were supposed to magically help me get pregnant. Ha.

Anyone need some pre-seed?

New Favorite Proverb

2010-05-08T12:52:00.001-07:00

Ok, I know it. I've been a bad blogger. I didn't mean to leave the blog hanging with my anger at insurance companies. I've been meaning to write this post for a while, but just kept putting it off, trying to figure out just how I wanted to say this. Afraid of just rambling and not making any sense.

And while I've put it off, a lot has happened. DH got accepted into the grad school he wanted, so we're definitely planning out this exciting move to California, and know exactly what location to aim for in the job/apt hunt. We are both so blessed to have this opportunity for something new in our lives....

Yet....

There is still an emptiness, a longing inside of me. And people all around me tend to minimize it. For example, recently at my workplace, they threw a baby shower for several new moms. And I let a close co-worker (not a "new mom") know that I was getting some gifts, but that I don't think I'm ready for baby showers again yet. To which her words of comfort are: "You couldn't do what you're doing right now (moving to a new state) if you were pregnant." Of course not. And yes it's nice to not have to worry about anything happening at an inconvenient time. But what wouldn't I give for DH and I to BE ABLE TO conceive even "accidentally."

And then there's Facebook, ever faithful in reminding me of what I don't have. What I can't have without a LOT of intervention (and $$$). What I may never have if those interventions do not work. Announcements seem to pop up unexpectedly everywhere. Oh hey, there's that long-time-ago friend. Wonder how she's doin n-....wonder why she's asking for a good newborn photographer.... How is so&so nowadays?....oh....it's a boy....

And with that comes the huge wave of guilt. The why am I so upset over a friend's huge blessing? Why do I feel so empty when I have so much?

That's what brings me to my new favorite Proverb:

(But first, a mini-pitch): In what little spare time I have, I've been reading The Infertiliy Companion, by Sandra L. Glahn, Th. M. & William R. Cutrer, M.D. I found this book in the Christian Inspiration section at a bookstore, and so far I just love it. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a good read on IF from a Christian perspective.

Anyway, I was reading the chapter on "The Spiritual Struggle," where the author was discussing the often-quoted "fertility" verses that get pulled out of context. You know, the "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child" (Isaiah 54:1) or "[a woman] will be saved through childbearing..." (I Tim. 2:15).
Then it pointed out one of the least-quoted "infertility" passages:

The leech has two daughters-
Give and Give!
There are three things that are never satisfied,
Four never say, "Enough!":
The grave,
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water-
And the fire that never says, "Enough!"

-Proverbs 30:15-16 (NKJV)

Now I think it's easy for most people to focus on the negative aspect of this proverb concerning the leeches' greed, especially when it's talking about wildfires and death. But we as IFers can see another meaning to this:
Four NATURAL forces (not necessarily evil) created by God are described in parallel to each other, INCLUDING the cry of the barren womb. We are created to desire children, and the emptiness we feel when we don't have a child is just as natural and inevitable as the need for the earth to drink up rainwater to be fruitful.

So when I hurt for what I don't have, or when I begin to fear that I never will have, I find peace and comfort in this verse. Knowing that it is perfectly OK to feel this way, because it's how I have been created. And knowing that if our IVF procedures don't work out in the future, it has to be for a greater purpose.

**** you, BCBS!

2010-03-26T15:27:00.001-07:00

DH just got this copy of a letter from his insurance company in the mail today:

"Dear Board of Regents:

In reviewing the claims for this patient, we found that a payment was made to you....of $156.36. However, we have determined that these services were for a preexisting condition, and under the patient's benefit plan, benefits are not available. If we do not receive the overpayment of $156.36 within 30 days..." yada yada yada

NO SHIT IT"S A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION! HE WAS FUCKING BORN THAT WAY!

We're now looking at having to pay at least $750 for ONE appointment. DH is calling first thing Monday morning and canceling the insurance. If this is the shit we have to go through for a few piddly little blood tests, I am not looking forward to IVF.

Not like "Obamacare" is gonna help any with fertility treatments.

To the flag....

2010-03-09T21:24:00.001-08:00

Exciting news today: DH passed his citizenship test!!!

Not like it was hard or anything (although I'm sure quite a few natural-born citizens may even miss some of the easiest questions...) But the whole process of getting PR status had been quite a journey, and now he's made it to citizen; it feels great to put these worries behind us now.

DH was a little bit sad about having to "give up" his home country, as the U.S. does not recognize dual citizenship. That means he will now have to get a visa when he goes back to visit his own family. How weird is that?

Maybe it's better

2010-03-01T15:24:00.001-08:00

The other day we got DH's insurance "EOB" in the mail. And gee wouldn't you know, practically NOTHING was covered. So we may owe over $500. What's the point of insurance then? Now these are all for the lab services on Jan 11th. Can't wait to see what they try to do about the renal u/s visit. If they try to not cover that I will be raising some hell. Can you imagine if someone actually is born with only one kidney, and their insurance wouldn't want to pay for any treatment cuz it's a "pre-existing condition?" Well no shit. Stupid insurance.

So maybe it's good that we won't be doing the MESA here cuz this insurance sucks ass. But then again, it may not be any better in California. I read online about some states that have "mandatory infertility coverage" but from what I see there's still no guarantee.

On a positive note, DH is flying back in from CA tonight. I missed him a lot this weekend.

From Either/Or to Neither/Nor

2010-02-15T16:13:00.002-08:00

Today we went to the urologist again for the bloodwork results & renal ultrasound. As it turns out, both kidneys are there and intact. All his hormone levels came back normal, AND he tested negative for all 36 panels of CF screening. The Dr. said there's no way to test for ALL genetic possibilities, so there may still be a possibility of a mutation in the CFTR gene, but for now things are looking good! Just an unexplained mutation. Maybe DH should join the X-Men ;)

BTW, for those of you who were wondering, we finally got a chance to talk to my parents this past Friday. And, it actually went pretty well. My mom was starting to tear up a little but was fine. (I'm definitely glad we decided not to tell them back when all we knew was "0 sperm"). The only weird thing she said was "So there's no way they can do any kind of.....transplant for that?" Um, no. My dad was pretty quiet, only spoke up when we talked about IVF. When we said we would not selectively abort any embryos, he said that's the only problem he has with IVF. And also said "And if it doesn't work out, you can always adopt." To which I replied we still have intentions to adopt, even if we are able to have a biological child.
Really my parents were only judgmental and giving stupid advice regarding our likely move to California. You know, stuff like "It's too liberal out there" or "You don't want to teach in their schools" when they haven't really seen it for themselves.

So now, we're just on pause. Just going to relax and let "TTC" take the back seat as we start preparing for the move. Gotta find something to blog about in the meantime...

Wagon Wheels

2010-02-10T15:15:00.001-08:00

Two years ago this May, I lost a very dear friend of mine to kidney cancer. Even though we were not related, I always thought of her as a "Grandma" to me. Some of my earliest memories at church are those of falling asleep in the pew beside her. I think that as a younger child, I just always wanted to sit by her because she gave me candy every Sunday. As I got older, I began to really just cherish her company. The day I was saved, I asked her to come to the altar with me. As a teenager, I could talk to her about all my secret crushes. I told her when DH and I were engaged before I even told my mom! In a small church environment bustling with gossip and judgmental attitudes, this woman simply offered her practical service to God through her sweet, humble, and caring spirit.

IF has gotten me thinking more about her lately. You see, I had always noted that she didn't talk about children. She never had any family come to visit at church like everyone else did. But I never knew why until my junior year in high school. We had a writing assignment, where we had to interview a senior adult about their life growing up, the most important things they learned in life, that sort of thing. So I chose to write about my "Grandma." She told me about her life growing up on a farm with lots of siblings, about all the chores they would do to help out. Then she told me about the accident. When she was about 8 years old, a young man that worked on their farm somehow ran over her while he was driving a wagon or buggy... She smiled as she told me "He felt so bad about it that he bought me a brand new dress and some shoes." (Or something like that...I just remember it was pretty miniscule). But the accident left her incapable of having children. She said she and her husband wanted/tried to adopt, but they just couldn't get around to it or it didn't work out.

Of course as a high schooler, the thought of infertility was, in a way, over my head. All I could think about was that must have been so sad for her. Now that it hits quite a bit closer to home, I wonder how she really dealt with it. Because of somebody's careless mistake, she was robbed of the ability to experience pregnancy, to experience birth, to experience motherhood. Did she really just humbly accept a pair of shoes in its place? I wonder how she really felt during her younger years, as she watched all her friends have children, and watched them grow up.

There are some days I wish I still had her shoulder to lean on, that we could talk about this. I miss you Grandma.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

2010-02-06T15:16:00.001-08:00

As you *may* have noticed, I decided to change quite a few things on the blog. It was time for a new look, plus I decided to edit a few things for the safety/privacy of DH and I.
DH also helped me come up with a different title for my blog. It's a phrase that reflects how we all need to value ourselves as part of infinity, no matter how insignificant we may feel.

Hope you all enjoy the new look!

ETA: Changed the template again because the comments didn't work on the last one (thanks Emmy for the heads up!)

A pressssstigious award!

2010-02-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

Thanks so much, Missy for nominating me for this award! First ever blog award:

"The instructions that go along with this award are as follows:* Thank the person who nominated you for this award.* Copy the award and place it in your blog.* Link the person who nominated you for this award.* Tell us 7 interesting things about you.* Nominate 7 bloggers.* Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate. "

1. I love to listen to all kinds of music except country, which most people find strange that an Okie doesn't like country music. My absolute favorite decade for music is the 60's, closely followed by the 90's.

2. Growing up, my family didn't get into competitive sports activities. Instead we were extremely competitive musicians. I was doing piano contests from 5th-12th grade, and started doing voice contests in high school. All my hard work payed off my senior year when I won state contest for vocal solo and piano concerto.

3. Part of the reason I never played sports (except required basketball in 5th & 6th grade....*shudder*) is because my motor coordination has always really sucked. I used to dread being called in class to demonstrate something that required good coordination and I always got made fun of in P.E.

4. I grew up in the country and we always had a lot of pets including cats, dogs, rabbits, and ducks. Now I sometimes wish we had a dog, but DH refuses to have cats or dogs as pets. But we may consider someday getting a rabbit, turtles, or a bearded dragon. He's said maybe he wants a pet snake and I say NO WAY! ;)

5. DH and I love to travel: sight-seeing road trips are kind of our mutual addiction! I haven't been out of the country yet :( but so far we have been to Corpus Christi, Colorado Springs/Pikes Peak area, Grand Canyon, and last summer we traveled a lot of places in CA. This May we're planning on driving to MN (where my Grandma and some other relatives live).

6. We also love food: cooking and trying out different kinds of food. DH has become quite an expert at Bengali/Indian food, and I like to cook Mexican or Italian style. Plus we always like to add to our repertoire of different meats we've eaten. Other than the usual stuff (including different kinds of fish), I've had: bison, deer, antelope, elk, ostrich, quail, duck, goose, goat, rabbit, shark, alligator, and rattlesnake.

7. I'm addicted to crossword and variety puzzles. My favorites are diagramless crosswords and logic problems, but I personally think Sudokus are overrated. :)

Well I unfortunately don't have enough people to nominate 7. I nominate Missy and Alison, but I know you guys have already done this one :)

Also nominating:
Kassidy
Emmy
Ruby

Still here

2010-01-29T19:34:00.002-08:00

Hello blogworld! It's been a while since my last post so I thought I'd just let everyone know that I'm still alive. Not much happening here, except that I've been a bit of an emotional wreck for the past couple of weeks. Usually, it takes a LOT to make me physically cry, but lately just the littlest things get the waterworks going. I should be happy after finding out what is wrong with DH, and believe me I am SO thankful for all we do have. I guess the "novelty" has worn off and reality has struck back. I am still an outsider, awkwardly separated from people wherever I go: work, church, etc. Can't even be happy and positive without getting shot down.

Probably what is getting to me the most is realizing how extremely difficult this process is going to be, with no guarantee that it will work. On top of that, it's almost certain that we are going to be making the big move to Cali this year. So there goes our "Oklahoma baby." Pretty sure that after the u/s in 2 weeks, any other TTC efforts will be put on hold. I mean sure we COULD try to go ahead and do the MESA and get some little swimmers frozen while we're here (and I know it sounds bad, but I would almost feel more secure doing that). But what if after we move they won't allow the sperm to be shipped halfway across the country? Or what if something goes wrong in the shipping process? I'm not going to make DH get his balls sliced open twice. Besides, he's already said that if we're moving, he's not going to do the procedure here. So that means that technically we'll be kicked back to "waiting to try" status.....and who knows how long that wait will be.

BTW, for those of you who are wondering, I still haven't told my parents yet. I wanted to last week, but DH really needed to finish his work for his final grad school application. Today would have been perfect, but my dad couldn't even drive up from TX (and no way were we going on the road) because of the ice/snow storm. Hopefully next weekend my dad will be there and we can drive down and get it over with.

Sorry for such a melancholy post. I hope I'll be in a more cheerful mood on my next post. In the meantime, enjoy a snow/ice pic. (I just hope these frozen trees don't fall on any power lines!)

2 down, 2 to go

2010-01-18T14:10:00.001-08:00

Had an awesome time last night. We had a double date with my bro & SIL. We watched "The Lovely Bones" (which was ok but not as good as I expected) and went to eat at Macaroni Grill. At dinner, DH decided to talk to them about our situation. Had a good conversation about it and they were very respectful and understanding and I love them for that! :)

DH had already planned to tell his parents, so after we got home he called them. I tried listening to what English I could pick up from the conversation, but ended up falling asleep. I guess he was on the phone with them for a couple hours because he woke me up at 12:30. He said his parents were ok, his mom cried a little bit and said "I don't want anything else, just get a kid as soon as you can." (Um...ok....we'll see what we can do...)
He also found out/was reminded about some distant male relatives who never had children. But his parents told him there was nobody they knew of in their family who ever had cystic fibrosis or any lung problems for that matter. I know there is still a possibility of him carrying the gene, but the URA (unilateral renal agenesis) explanation is starting to seem more likely. From what I have read, a fetus's kidneys and ureters develop at the same time as the vas deferens, so that would explain why missing vas deferens would be related to a missing kidney. Also, adults who have URA tend to develop high blood pressure. Almost all of DH's relatives (on both sides of the family) have HBP. Hmmm. Ok I know, I shouldn't jump to any conclusions. Just got to wait a month until we do the u/s and see the bloodwork results.

Next step on the list: telling my parents. We want to tell them in person, maybe as soon as this next weekend. Now I just gotta prepare myself for the possibility of my mom asking stupid questions about IVF or my dad asking stuff like "have you been tithing?" or "this is because you married someone who's not a Christian."

No Plumber Necessary

2010-01-11T16:59:00.002-08:00

So today was our long-anticipated initial appointment with the urologist. We went in expecting it to be just a consultation, probably he'll just order some bloodwork and we'll wait a few days to hear that, right? Well it turns out we have made another huge discovery today, which is kinda good and kinda bad.

Of course, we had to start with ALLLLL the paperwork. Then the doctor came in and asked us about our reproductive history, any family history that we know of, yada yada. Then the fun part when DH got to drop his pants. So the dr. is feeling around for a while, then asks DH to lay down. All the while he is feeling him up, he again asks DH if he is sure there wasn't anyone in his family who had difficulty conceiving, and if he is sure that nobody in his family had cystic fibrosis...

You know what's coming next, don't you?

After DH is re-clothed, the dr. started drawing a diagram of what the typical male reproductive system looks like. Then goes on to tell DH that HE WAS BORN WITHOUT THE VAS DEFERENS ON EITHER SIDE(???!!!!) If you're wondering what the heck are vas deferens- those are the tubes that transport sperm from the epididymis to the urethra.
I'm going SERIOUSLY? You can tell that just by feeling aroud his balls? (Dang if only I'd known how to look for 'em maybe I could've figured that out already LOL)

Now the good news is the dr. says everything else feels fine and most likely he is producing healthy sperm that they could retrieve for IVF. The bad news: absence of the vas deferens is usually caused by a mutation in the gene code if he is carrying the gene for cystic fibrosis. Actually, I don't know that there's anything else that would cause that unless he is carrying that gene.
So of course, he had bloodwork ordered: testosterone, FSH, & LH, and of course testing for that CF gene. The doctor also ordered to do a renal ultrasound next month because there could also be a possibility that DH has only one kidney (???!!!)

Mentally, we are both feeling a lot better now knowing the cause. There could still be some tough decisions ahead of us if DH has the gene. When we first started seeing the RE, they did some genetic testing so I know I don't carry th gene. If he has it, and we have kids, they will not have CF, but there will be a good chance they could be carrying the gene. It's a pretty big ethical decision to make. Let's see what happens.

J-Lo no-no

2010-01-08T18:55:00.001-08:00

So I was just sitting here at home browsing Facebook when I saw one of my friends posted a link to his blog. His blog posted a link to this site. My friend then went on to applaud J-Lo for recognizing the true Author and Creator of Life.

My response: Of course anybody would "prefer" the "natural method" of conceiving if it was possible for them. If a man or woman has a condition preventing them from conceiving through "natural methods," it is not necessarily God's way of divinely sterilizing them. God is still the Creator of life when sperm meets egg, regardless of whether it gets there "naturally" or in a petri dish.

Now I suppose in light of the plot of her new movie ("The Back-Up Plan") one can appreciate her decision IRL to not pursue IVF because of "not finding Mr. Right yet." Maybe she didn't mean it as a judgemental comment, but it's just so funny how someone who has no trouble getting pregnant can say of those who can't, that it's "not meant to be."

One more week

2010-01-04T18:16:00.001-08:00

Finally. One more week until we start to get SOME answers. I am so tired of waiting with this diagnosis and not knowing what is causing it or if it can be fixed. These past few months I have been trying to get my mind prepared (as much as possible) for any possibility, but I know it will still be hard. I don't want to get my hopes up only to have a major let-down....again.

DH still doesn't want to tell his parents or mine. He says we shouldn't have to "answer" to anybody. I wish he would understand that I would like to have the support and prayers of my family. Maybe he will be ready to tell them if we find out he needs to have a biopsy. Let's see how this goes....

To Tell and How to Tell...Those Are the Questions...

2009-12-26T09:03:00.001-08:00

Due to the blizzard, we had to delay our Christmas plans. My parents and little sister came up and spent the night last night. Right now we're just waiting for everyone else to come this afternoon so we can celebrate [late] Christmas, so while waiting I decided to write a little while it's still fresh on my mind:

A couple weeks ago, DH said he wanted to tell his parents about his azoo pretty soon, probably even before he goes to see the urologist. I told him that I thought maybe we should also tell my parents pretty soon, but he should probably tell his parents first, and do it whenever he's ready. Well the other day we talked about it some more. He is worried especially about telling his mom. After all, his parents are halfway across the globe and this would be really hard to talk to them about over the phone. He said he thinks his dad would be understanding, but that his mom would be really upset. He thinks she will be mostly upset because of "societal standards," like you're SUPPOSED to have kids when you get married. We talked about telling my parents and we're both worried about the same thing: My parents tend to be very irrational and judgmental, and might say things like "Well God must be punishing you for....blah blah blah...." And will probably go on and on every time we see them with unwanted "advice."

Now, remember last month when my mom was being nosy? Well this morning she just brought it to the next level: the guilt trip. We were just sitting at the table eating breakfast and somehow she brings the conversation to how she got pregnant with me. Me, my little sister, AND my dad were all trying to get her to stop talking. But she just keeps going on and on: "It's all because so & so got pregnant and so & so got pregnant so then blah blah blah...." We again tell her to stop talking. Brief pause. Then she says, in a mocking tone of voice: "I shall forever have only one grandchild."

I don't know how much more of this I can take. And she always only does stuff like this when DH is not around (he's at work this morning). Sometimes I wish she'd just say something when he IS there and maybe he'll just jump in and tell her how it is. Not so easy, I know. So the thing is, I think we definitely need to tell my parents about it sometime soon so that MAYBE my mom can stop with the guilt trip stuff. I'm gonna talk to DH tonight and see what he thinks, which he probably still doesn't want to tell them for a long time.

My question is, whenever we decide to tell, what would be the best way to tell them? I know telling them face-to-face would probably be the proper way to do it. But I'm also wondering about writing a letter, and maybe that will give them some time to process it before talking to us so they won't be blurting out some judgmental remarks. Or should we just suck it up and tell them in person?

Baby It's Cold Outside

2009-12-24T10:28:00.001-08:00

It's rare to get a "White Christmas" in Oklahoma. It's Christmas Eve and we're having a BLIZZARD. Enough to drive an Okie crazy ;)

Have a safe and Merry Christmas!

Movin' on up

2009-12-19T15:28:00.001-08:00

*whew* Hello Christmas break! This has been a quite eventful week. First of all, DH graduated last night! He has worked soooo hard and I am so proud of him!!! Can't wait to see what the future holds for him.

Also, a turn of events at work: our principal resigned and so one of the asst. principals will be acting as interim principal for the rest of the school year. It's gonna be interesting to see what's gonna happen but I think there will be some positive changes. At least I hope so....

But right now, we are just going to RELAX and enjoy our holiday break. :)

Belated Thanksgiving update & more

2009-12-07T20:04:00.002-08:00

Wow I am way overdue for a post. There has been a lot going on in the land of Ruth :)

The Thanksgiving break went by sooo fast but it was really nice. My sister & BIL flew in from San Jose. We had traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my other sister's house. Then on Friday, since it was Korbanir Eid, we had the whole family get together at our place and DH got to show off with his delicious Bangledeshi-style cooking. He made chicken korma, goat curry, Bengali-style salad. My sister made some dal (lentils). Yum yum yum! And a couple of good friends of ours were driving through from San Diego and got to stop by just in time to feast with the family. :) For the most part, the Thanksgiving break went well except for a little family drama. I think some people felt hurt by other peoples' attitudes, and some people are still as selfish as ever and I certainly don't want to encourage that. At least nothing got too heated.

Since then I've been keeping busy with work and then of course, car drama. On Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I was leaving my nail salon and some 17-yr old backed a pick-up into the back of my Scion. Ugh. It was still driveable but left a huge ugly dent. I took it to the body shop and then they got the parts in on the following Tuesday so we dropped it off. And wouldn't it be my luck, that when we only have one car available, that's when it decides to act all funny. Something about the cold weather and we must have a messed up sensor in our old, crappy Mercedes (yes, there IS such a thing-it's our car!) Wednesday it was fine, but both Thursday & Friday when DH had to take me to work, the car REFUSED to start....until the sun came up. Weird. And then it kept dying on the road. DH had to repeatedly park the car in the middle of the street and then re-start it. Then it would work fine for him the rest of the day.....until Friday when he came to pick me up. Then it decided to all of a sudden die in the parking lot and refuse to start....again. I had to have a friend drive me to the body shop to pick up my Scion and by the time I made it back, DH had finally gotten the car to start and he dropped it off at a shop near our place. So we are still at one car now but at least we don't have to worry about it working. I really don't know what to do about the other car. It is so old and so not worth the money it needs to fix it properly. DH wants to sell it but I know we'd hardly get anything for it and I soooo do not want the hassle of shopping for another car right now.

IF-wise, all the busy stuff has really helped me to take my mind off of things. But we still have a little over a month before seeing the urologist and some days I feel I just can't stand to wait any longer! We managed to get through the family time without any nagging questions. Except for when my sister from Cali was talking about how she hates it when people ask when she's going to have kids...and she can't stand it because she doesn't want kids. At least not now, but from the way she talks it sounds like maybe she doesn't want them at all. So yeah that was pretty tough sitting through her and my annoying sister complain about the same questions I complained about.....but for pretty much the opposite reasons.

Then yesterday my mom was up here and she tried to bring it up again, this time asking me why I got mad when she asked about it "in front of my brother." As if THAT is what made me upset? I told her I don't want to talk about it. So she let it go...but it was like "Ok, so what else am I not supposed to ask about?" *Ugh* My mom can be so air-headed sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could just tell her so maybe she would stop nagging me, but then I know she probably would start a whole other type of nagging and then tell everyone about it. I certainly was not going to tell her without DH there since this is especially personal for him. I'm not sure when we're going to tell our parents. The other day I told DH that if it turns out that the doctor will do a biopsy or some other "procedure," we should at least tell our parents before that. But he's still unsure. Let's hope we make it through the Christmas season without any more drama.

What not to ask

2009-11-21T20:07:00.001-08:00

I had a lot of fun last night and today spending time with my nephew. This morning, my brother asked him how old he is now and he says, "I'm terrible....3!" Too funny! He's always being goofy and brightens my day.

But....it was inevitable....my mom had to go and piss me off. After the birthday party we all went back to my bro & SIL's house and were just trying to relax. And my mom just flat out says, "So Ruth, this is your 3rd year teaching. After this year, are you going to get pregnant?" >:( No matter how many times you try to "rehearse" a response in your head, the emotions take over. I was so pissed and just snapped,
"No."
"No?"
"That's a personal question mom, you don't ask this kinda stuff!"
"But I'm your mother" (!)
"That doesn't matter, it's a personal question!" And I made my escape to the bathroom. And she's saying something like "Well, I wasn't the one who said...." I don't know what she was trying to say that I've said. Thank God for my brother for interjecting and telling her to just stop and leave it alone. Maybe I shouldn't have been so....mean about it. But I just knew it was coming. Every time I see my mom she has to randomly bring up baby or pregnancy stuff and I have to try to politely get her to change the subject. And I am not ready to tell her about IF/azoo, not until at least we know what's gonna happen. Because for one thing, I know she will tell everybody about it when I don't want the whole world to know. And then she will be constantly trying to give us her (usually very unhelpful and rude) advice.
(WARNING: EXTREMELY bitchy rant coming up next)
I know everyone who has gone through/is going through IF has the pain in the butt of dealing with people asking stupid questions. I don't know what it is making me feel so agitated today. If you are reading this and you have ever been one of those people that asks somebody "When are you gonna start having kids?" or especially a random "Are you pregnant?" Maybe you think you're just having an innocent conversation, but please: DON'T ASK! Regardless of who it is you're talking to, because:

It's none of your business!! If they want to tell you about their personal life, they will tell you
Have you ever stopped to think just how stupid such a question is in the first place? "When are you gonna *start* having kids?" Or in my mom's case "Are you gonna get pregnant after this year?" Like anybody, IF sufferer or not, can tell you when they're going to conceive like the weather forecast? As much as people would like to think it's as easy as just having unprotected sex, we DON'T have control over what happens. So ask a stupid question, expect a stupid answer. And,
If the first 2 reasons weren't good enough, you may not know the circumstances surrounding the person you're talking to. Maybe they haven't really thought about having kids and think nothing of such a question. But maybe they really want to have kids but know it's not their time to "try" yet. Or maybe they are trying and it hasn't happened yet. Or maybe they just found out they have serious IF issues and need treatment. Maybe they had or keep having miscarriages. When you ask them that question, to them it's like you're implying that they must not want children and need to *start having kids* when it's the exact opposite case. Or if it's a friend you know that is dealing with IF, please don't be that person that keeps asking "So are you pregnant yet?" It only makes the pain worse.

Wow...now I feel a little bit better after all my bitching. I hope I have not offended anybody who reads this. Bottom line, I just wish everybody could understand there are some things you just should not ask about unless given an open invitation to discuss it.

Hypothesis?

2009-11-19T15:12:00.001-08:00

Last night DH and I went on a little date. Had a very interesting talk about this whole IF/azoo thing. A lot of things have been going through my mind. DH has been so busy with schoolwork as this is his last semester, and has been applying to different grad schools for the 2010-2011 school year. It's funny looking back to when we first started thinking about TTC; I was SO determined to have an Oklahoma baby and be able to stay here for a while before moving to wherever. But now I realize that if we are to have our own child at all, the odds of us having a baby in Oklahoma are very slim. And now with my work environment getting more and more stressful, I don't think I even want to stay for another year. But then, I don't know how things would work out if, for instance, they are able to find some sperm and freeze it to use for IVF.... It's not like we could just do IVF here and then move halfway across the country while I'm pg.
On the other hand, I think I hypothesize too much. I told DH I really don't want to get my hopes up at all. Especially since with the reading I've been doing on azoo, it seems most couples I've read about end up doing donor sperm. And then DH just said "If you want to do donor sperm, I don't care, do what you want, because it's still gonna be my kid." Wow I was not expecting that. But we talked about it. I still personally would not want to do donor sperm. At least at this point, I feel that if we can't both have a biological child, I would rather adopt a child who needs a good family than to have a child that's only "half" ours. Still very weird that DH thinks he would be ok with it before I would....

I really wish I could keep my mind off of this, but it's hard waiting in limbo. At least, I'm gonna get my "fix" this weekend. I'm going to my brother's this weekend for my nephew's birthday (turning 3 years old!) I've talked with my SIL about problems I've had since TTC, but I haven't told her about azoo. But I feel I may need to confide in her & my brother since we are so close. Not looking for pity, but I feel I can trust them, and I may need their help if my mom does what she always does- going on and on asking me/talking to me about kids/pregnancy.

Me in the Corner

2009-11-13T16:54:00.001-08:00

I've been feeling particularly down in the dumps these last few days. It's probably all these raging hormones since AF finally showed up after 43 days. This is the first time that instead of feeling sad when AF shows up, I just feel extremely bitter. Bitter knowing that this time around (and any time before) we never even got a chance to "try" like most couples do. And I'm becoming more and more skeptic that we will ever get a chance at having our own child....at all.
Lately, I don't even feel like being around people anymore. I feel so separated and awkward, even though most people in real life don't know what's going on with us. For some reason at work I am fine, but everywhere else I go I am constantly reminded of the harsh reality that is my life. It's probably because most people in my small circle of friends have kids or are pregnant, and it just hurts knowing that many of these people take their blessings for granted without realizing it. But I feel I can't really open up to them and receive any understanding. How can you be understanding, or why should I expect you to "be there for me" if you never have and never will experience the pain I am going through? I know there are good supportive "fertile" people out there. But I feel I can't go certain places, even when I'm feeling positive and happy, without becoming the awkward one, the outcast, the "downer."
The bad thing is my church is one of these places. Going to church and being around other Christian people used to really lift my spirits. I haven't even told anyone at church about IF, never even told people there that DH and I had been TTC. But for some reason lately when I go, I feel like I am somehow being judged by those around me. Maybe there's been a change in my persona or my attitude that needs working on. If so, that will take some time. Right now I think I just need a little break from "people" until I'm ready to handle these awkward situations.

A TTC Journey

2009-11-08T16:08:00.004-08:00

So here it is. My debut into the world of blogging. Despite the fact that I absolutely HATE writing, I thought I would start this blog to share my story, my thoughts, and my feelings during this long and difficult process called "trying to conceive." Here is my (very long, sorry) story up until now:

I guess you could say my "journey" started in the summer of 2008. My husband and I had talked about having kids, but it wasn't until then that I actually got the "baby fever." I was thinking about kids all the time. I started doing all kinds of research online whenever I could. I found myself planning out when should be the best time to start trying, HOW to try (for specific genders), even down to what kind of birth I would want and what facilities in my city offer that.

I knew it was too soon for us to start trying, but I decided to get the ball rolling by seeing a neurologist. Background: I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was 14, after having several "absence" seizures and 2 grand mal seizures. After that I was put on Depakote ER to control the seizures, and had been taking it ever since without problems. While Depakote is good for seizures, it is VERY bad for women who are pregnant. Every doctor I ever had highly stressed the importance of using birth control while taking Depakote. So I knew I needed to take some action regarding my medication before even trying for children. My neurologist ran several tests, and monitored my condition while weaning me off of the Depakote. I was officially finished with Depakote by early December, with no problems.

Now, the original "plan" was to officially start TTC in July of 2009. But at the very end of December '08 I just stopped taking my BC. It was kind of on a whim and I guess my rationale at the time was it may take at least 3 months anyway, and we will still be OK if I have a baby in late '09. Perhaps it was a selfish decision at the time, as I didn't really take a relaxed stance and instead started pressuring myself and my poor hubby.

That may have at least partly contributed to what happened next. It's a good thing I had learned how to chart my cycles so I knew exactly what was going on. First 3 cycles off BC were relatively fine but come April, all hell broke loose. I wasn't ovulating. Weeks and weeks and weeks went by without any clear temperature shift. Frustration city! And I couldn't even talk to friends about my frustration without an ignorant "Ooh! Maybe you're pregnant!" Sorry folks, you can't get pregnant without an egg. Even when I went to my doctor for help, she wasted my time doing a blood pregnancy test (which of course, turned out negative). Well that monstrous cycle finally ended after a very emotional 3 months. But it didn't get any better from there. It was obvious I still wasn't ovulating and on top of that I was having all kinds of unexplained spotting. I finally decided it was time to see a specialist when I had 2 cycles that were both exactly 16 days long....16! So tired of feeling broken, feeling like a failure.

September 15th was our first visit to the fertility specialist and boy was it overwhelming for a first visit. The RE (reproductive endocrinologist) went over all the plans and options for us, ordered a lot of blood tests from me, wanted DH to do a semen analysis later that week. After the nurse took several vials of blood from my arm, it was time for an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any cysts or fibroids. The RE got REALLY excited when he saw 2 mature follicles; I guess he has a lot of fun when it comes to fixing wacked up reproductive systems. So it was a change of plan: they wanted to give me HCG to trigger ovulation, estrogen to build up the endometrium, and DH and I had a "homework assignment" for the next couple days. The s/a was put off until the week after. A few days later my temperature chart showed a clear shift; we were so excited to finally get in a real "try" after so long.

The next week I had to go in for a progesterone test to confirm I ovulated, and also had to bring in DH's fresh "sample." On the way there I just started bawling, thinking what if something is wrong? What if he doesn't even have any? I kept trying to tell myself Oh come on, that is very unlikely. Probably there is nothing wrong, and even if the count is low, it's not that bad. I was still choking back tears while I was at the RE's office and people kept asking if I was ok. I felt like an idiot for crying for no legitimate reason. That afternoon I got a call that my progesterone levels indicated ovulation (of course), but they did not have the results from the s/a yet.

September 28, I got what was possibly the worst phone call of my life. When the doctor started off by asking if I wanted to hear this over the phone or in person, I already knew what was coming. The words "no sperm found" kept ringing in my ears as he went on and on explaining the possible causes for this, and what testing/procedures they might do from here. Of course, DH was absolutely devastated as well. It really slapped us in the face even harder when I started a new cycle the next day, our would-be test date. We did a repeat s/a a few weeks later but the result was the same. Now the RE has referred DH to a urologist, which we won't start seeing until January. He will probably do some hormone testing to try to determine if this is obstructive or non-obstructive azoospermia. If there's a chance he has anything, they will probably do a testicular biopsy or some other type of sperm extraction to use for IVF.

So that is our story so far. Right now we are just hanging "in limbo." Waiting to find out if our problem can be fixed or not. This just might be the most trying part of our journey. Wondering: why us? Why are we cursed with this affliction when we love children so much? Perhaps it is because of our love for children that we are meant to do something greater. Only time will tell.